Why do we feel that we are stuck and seem to be moving no where? Why do we keep wanting more and more and never to be sufficiently full, despite liking what you do? Is money my motivating factor all of a sudden? Why? I was a firm believer that when you excel in what you do, results come automatically. Now, for the sake of results I seem to be planning my goals in life. And that looks very sad. So I decided that it is time for a little retrospect. And these are the thoughts of that retrospect… When I was doing my engineering, I always had a plan. I will do a job after I do my graduation. And suddenly, in the final year, I have an even bigger motivation when I started focusing all of a sudden on programming. Prior to that, I wanted to get into ICs (Integrated Circuits). Circuits always fascinated me. The thin copper wires that form the core of the electronics, and when it came to understanding PCs, I was completely amazed at these tiny chips that have an inbuilt circuit to do something truly magnificent. And as usual, I wanted to create something like that. Then is the JAVA’s influence on me, a language that grew Internet to the proportions now seen. It fascinated me. And I decided that this is it, I shall be a master of that (Ha!). I guess I was falling in love for the first time. Anyways, I decided I would do certifications. I would be the best in my chosen field. And then I would do MBA, a combination of technical plus soft skills will take me to places, was what I thought. Well, not bad for a graduate with lack of exposure, right???
Then came the dreadful process of job-hunt, managed to scrape through and here I am in my office, in retrospection and thinking about my past and future. Am I what I thought I should be 2 years ago? Yes, I should say I am. I am a SCJP and a SCWCD, but what next? Am I the best? Am I on the way to becoming the best? On both counts it’s a NO. Why? Welcome to the real world, of IT. There is nothing like being best as I am not inventing anything. As they say, software is not re-inventing anything like what Einstein did; you only do better things with minimum effort. In short words, I end up doing SMART work. And am I happy? I have no straight answer for that. I am happy with what I do, because I am learning. And I am happy doing it. The lust for knowledge has not reduced and I don’t see it reducing any time sooner. So, what next? What do I need to do? Where do I see myself heading?
One of my friends, the other day, was saying that my core motivation comes from a very basic idea, to have an internal satisfaction over material benefits. But will that be sufficient in the long run to satisfy my needs or will I be compromising at that point of time? Then is the question of integrity. Am I willing to compromise on that? The very idea is revolting.
As I tend to gain experience in life, it is not turning out to be any better or easier. Again I see myself standing at cross roads, personally and professionally and I am confused. Standing up to my ideals is like trying to balance myself over a double-edged knife. Journeying ahead is becoming treacherous.
But then, whom am I kidding? Don’t I love a challenge? The difficult it is, the better it is. This is MY life and circumstances or none, I write my destiny. Good or bad, I will stick by it. I shall face it head on and I WILL WIN.
This is new to me, self-doubt.
This is new to me, being in the darkness.
This is new to me, pessimism.
But,
It is not new to me, getting up from the dumps.
It is not new to me, trying to find my bearings.
It is not new to me, standing up for myself.
It is not new to me, staring at my own fear.
It is not new to me, fighting my own battles, internal or external.
It is not new to me, soaring high.
(A little self talk to motivate myself)
