!!Irksome Me!!

My Net seems to behave conked these days, crippling me beyond reason. There is a sense of despair that is hanging round me because of it. I want to do ‘N’ things at the same time, the usual me. I am doing something and thinking something else at the same time. That in no way means I am multi-tasking, way beyond that. Except for work, I am hardly focused on anything with a single minded dedication. If it means, I need to study for something, I am usually thinking of folding the clothes that are hanging outside in the balcony or thinking about cleaning the table that seems to be cluttered with a truck load of things that I don’t even want to mention here. If I am watching TV, the incessant flip of the channels is almost essential to give me a feeling that I am actually watching TV. And if I am watching a movie, unless it is having some hot hero in it ;), I am usually thinking about the things I did that day or the conversations I had with people. And if I am eating, it would be that I need to complete it fast and do something. Though I enjoy eating and have a healthy appetite, I usually hurry through my meals (My mom usually wonders if there is some competition I have with some imaginary friend about who eats first), for no reason in particular, just that the eating is the most “energy consuming” and “time consuming” task in a given day.

Now why in the blue hell am I rambling on and on? Well, this just goes to say that I am jobless and hardly have focus on anything. The other day I was reading something and all of a sudden, I just lost interest. I just closed the book and kept it in the cub board and I KNOW I will not be opening it ever again. The simple reason being, the book stopped speaking to me as books usually do. It could not capture my attention. I am a person, if I open a book, I will not close it in the middle, for I fervently believe that if I read a single valid statement in a book, that book helped me gain that piece of wisdom that I lacked till then. Despite this book actually talking things that are way beyond me, I just snapped it shut. Then I opened word web, of all the things I could actually read, I opened word web! And I was learning words. And even that seemed to be a boring task after ten minutes that I opened a novel. Now, I read only fiction, especially adventure and thrillers. So, my collection generally has pretty good action packed novels that take me to a different world all in all. But these days, I see a change in the way I am picking up the books and my choice these days seems to go way back into the times of kings and queens when the earth seems to be conquered by sane people, a definite myth. Even the novel seemed boring. Then I suddenly realised it is I who is having a problem with focusing. All of a sudden, I seem to be lacking focus on things. That is pretty alarming to me because that generally indicates that I am taxing my brain for no good reason and I am losing sleep and peace. Setting off the warning bells, I decided I need to do meditation for sometime. Knowing very well that I will not be able to focus on the mantra, I just closed my eyes, synchronised my body clock to the current time and concentrated on breathing evenly, at the same time ticking of the minutes. This is called alpha breathing technique, I believe. And when I seem to be a little less worried about my lack of focus, I started multiplying numbers, big numbers. Now, with computer, excel, calculator, phone, all seemingly accessible resources, I realised I hardly remember my tables! And that triggered another set of thoughts that left me resignedly and hopelessly despondent.

I want to give an exam, do a research, work on my novel, technically improve myself, personally give myself some peace and beyond all these, there is some spark that disturbingly deserted me and I need to find out what it is and I am missing my friends like hell, all of a sudden feeling alone. That does not mean I do not have friends, I do have very good friends whose valuable time is generally governed by my moods, yet I am seemingly feeling alone. Why?

See, the rambling is still on. It is one of those days that I seem to have nothing to do but vilify my own mind. All this started with me trying to study. Now I wonder if ever I actually write the MBA exam and by some miracle be accepted in the college, will I be able to focus on the education? Will I be able to actually fulfil that dream of being an entrepreneur, some day? Or will I go along the tide and resign to the fact that I do not have the will to do it? Or will I, like a coward accept the mirthless thought of just living for the day? Restless mind, relentless hope, reverberating thoughts… stagnant me, that aptly summarizes the current, cluttered me :(.