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Pain and pleasure

Missing you does not even begin to cover the hole in me. As time passes, these things should be easy. To let go, knowing that you would return, yet, letting go has always been a problem for me. Every time I let go, I have this feeling of being stranded in the middle of no where. Lost, that is how it feels. Lost my way and stuttering around in the dark, opening myself up for a pit or rock, not knowing what would embrace me and if I have enough strength to withstand that.

As the journey unwound today at a speed of 120, the intermittent red lights screaming at me to not look further down the lane, my heart raced abreast with the road, curling its way to the airport, the parched throat reminding me of a painful adieu. While I tossed and turned around, unable to get my mind around the numbness when I realized that the pain is just round the corner, waiting to grab my throat, I wondered if you felt the same way about this. If you could feel the distance that seems to forever hover around us, if you could begin to understand how complex a thought is running through my head, those thoughts that made me from a sparkling light to a defused bulb. The bitter sweet pain of the love I feel when you are around, when you hold me and smother me senseless, oh, how can I comprehend this emptiness? How can I withstand this queasy feeling of being choked by love?

Sitting here, in the chair, not so long ago, occupied by you, typing the letters which form words, words that are tortured to form a coherent meaning. My eyes blur all of a sudden and I wipe them away, angry at myself for being weak, I look around the room, the haphazard array of blanket thrown on the bed, knowing that I will wrap myself around in that blanket, hoping that the comfort of your scent shall offer me solace, hoping that the warmth of the blanket shall engulf me into your arms that have been the most coveted position I ever achieved, hoping that the ruffles on the pillow cover shall fill my head with your thoughts and put me to a slumber free of dreams…

Distance has always caught up on us. Is it a choice or a chance? Together we atone, for the choices we make in life, but, being alone we atone the choice of being together. Is it worth it?

I will miss you…

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