A crack in the wall

Some days, it is really hard to love life. It is literally the one most unexplainable certainty, even if it is for one fleeing second. And when it happens almost every day, something has to give. These days, I feel that. I feel something has to change in life for me to feel the love inside of me, else, I will keep staring at this altercation in the mirror and wonder, what is staring back. Perfection is a difficult mistress to lap dance with, but so is imperfection. “Done” sounds a promising mistress, yet, it borders at being undone, that seeking it almost always seeks the “undone” too. Yeah, I know, that it is a convoluted sentence that sounds warped to mean something, but does not. But honestly, it does, don’t you think? Anyway, today is one of those days, where it is difficult to accept being an idiot when proof exists right in front of my eyes. Not that every day I think otherwise, but it would be nice to not have proof of being an idiot that obvious. I mean, how many days can we bare ourselves, for the world to scream “Idiota” at us? Once in an occasional while, yes, but not every alternate day. It is kind of irritating, right? Particularly, when it matters more than anything else, that it hurts to think that I let myself down by my own conscious choice. Actually, come to think of it, I have been letting myself down over the past few years. Not days, but years! And I have no excuses for it. Well, all I have is excuses, but that makes me feel even more pathetic. I hardly spend time with myself for me to yearn for something that means something to me. And that, in a nutshell is my problem. And today, having realized it, makes me feel that much more idiotic.

Having vented out all of that, it is time to focus on something that is positive. However worse it show cases, there is always a positive out of the dramatic unnecessary event and that, is the realization that, as long as I am willing to bend my back, I can turn things around to the way I want them. Exactly when have I stopped wanting things the way I see them, is not something I am willing to recollect, but that has got to stop. This is not how it is supposed to be. This is not what I envisaged myself to be. I am not patient, I do not deal with failures well and I certainly do not have all the time in the world. I seek what I want with the unwavering aim of an arrow released and I fight tooth and nail for what is, in my humble opinion, right. And I do not know when I let it slip by me, this flaw that accepts the present and aims for the next turn, but that will change. That is a promise to myself.