Need to find that spark again!!

I hate being mediocre, cannot understand why though. I have never been best at anything, but I prided in being obsessive about details. And when I have my details, I am ready to go for a head on, but it is not in me to sit with a problem for an eon. Somehow, I never appreciated people finding flaws with me, not because I think I am perfect, not because I think I do not deserve to be pointed out, but because I think I should have found that flaw by myself. When I am pointed with the obvious, it is exceptionally hard on me to swallow it in.

These days have been a little bit tough for me, what with thoughts ranging from deranged to retarded to depressing to worried, on top of it my health has been fantastic, I just do not need a disappointment in terms of what I do! But then, I always failed to understand this part of me. Why is it so difficult for me to accept that I am wrong? Though I accept it, I just cannot digest it and it simply turns me off. I sometimes wonder if I miss the minute details and I am not as detailed as is required. And this raises other questions as to whether I am doing the right job or not!

I had a tough day today, what with arguments back and forth and finally some conclusion, but the thing is, why can’t I put across my thoughts clearly? Is it because my thoughts are cluttered that I cannot find a damn needle in that haystack? Or is it that it is plainly obvious and I fail to see? When I set out being an engineer, I want to be the best in the field. As days progressed, I realized my interests lie elsewhere. I like being part of a boardroom, I like having to take decisions, I like to know that the onus is on me, I like to take the pride that I am responsible for a success or a failure. I like being responsible, plain and simple. But am I really responsible? Or am I just unable to cope up? Are my expectations too high? Am I trying to be a perfectionist? Am I going in the right path? What is it that is holding me down? Why am I unable to live upto the expectations? Why am I unable to stand up and make myself count? I know I am just a drop in the ocean, but sure, that drop does make a difference. Why is it I am unable to make a difference? Am I being too relaxed? Am I taking my life for granted? Me? A person, who wanted to give the best of her ability, today is accepting a mediocre performance. How did it ever come to this? Why did it ever come to this? Disturbances are an excuse and are blatantly refused to make a case.

I think it is time for retrospection. I think I need to go back and remember why I ever want to be the best at what I do. I think I need to go back and talk to myself and challenge myself to be better than what I am today. At some point I gave up and I need to find that spark again and ignite it. Well, let me just see how it goes from this minute.

Motivation comes with responsibility and I think I have enough of it. Motivation comes with the right atmosphere and I think I have that too. Motivation comes with the right team and I have that too. Motivation comes with the right peers and I have them too. Most importantly, motivation comes from the desire to outshine myself and excel par limitations. Everything is possible as long as I believe it can be done and my job is to get it done, plain and simple. And I will.