Nightmare!!

Why is it that it hurts and it keeps hurting? Why is it that I cannot seem to understand? Why is it easy to take offence? And why is it that you find yourself alone when in tears? Why is there no potion ever discovered for blocking things that cause a searing pain in your life? why is it that everything that is worth in life should be fought for? Why is it always difficult to be happy? Why is it that you find it easier to feel sorry for yourself? Why is it that a single word can change your world? why? Why? Why?

It hurts… don’t know where, don’t know why, don’t know if it will ever stop.

I don’t want to have a sleepless night.. I don’t want another nightmare in my life… I don’t want to run away from demons… why can’t it just be over? This life, supposedly a gift from God, particularly a life of a human, why is it a curse? A bane?

A friend told me one day, that since I only see the obstacle, I find it so large that I cannot find my way around it. But if I see it as a pebble to just throw out, everything is alright! But some obstacles are not pebbles… they are not even boulders… they are there, invisible, blocking you, every step of the way. I keep getting nightmares, but being me, I tend to find an adventure in them. I get up in the middle of the night, scared witless, yet, I find myself livid enough to understand they are just bad dreams. so I cannot categorize them as nightmares, but they keep me from sleep. On particularly difficult days, these tend to rip me to pieces…

In the night, I stand alone in the woods, except the trees around have no leaves, just branches jutting out of them, lifeless. The cold breeze shifts the clouds hovering over the moon and I stand there, looking into the dark. I see myself, tear stained and lost. I suddenly run. I run as though my life is dependent on it and I know I am being stalked. I run, I run through these woods. I climb on the rocks. I fall down and scratch myself, I desperately try and move up, but I know I am being pulled down. I force myself, inch by inch, I reach the top, only to fall into a pit, deep and low. I curl myself to a ball, I hug myself closer into the pit and wait for my doom. Sure, it comes, regal as ever, to claim what it thinks it deserves. Me. I shake and tremble and cuddle closer. It laughs a mirthless laugh and lifts me up. Hurls me into the rock and I see myself falling. Blood in my mouth, bones broken. I am kicked in the shins and I howl in pain. I see myself lifted, thrown across onto the rocks. I see myself suspended in space, stretched beyond endurance. Is this pain? Can there be any more pain? Is this death?

“Why can’t this be over?”

I see myself stretched, a band of elastic and suddenly I am limp and I am falling. I am falling to the ground. I shriek again, please, no more. The thump in my heart goes haywire and I wake up… blood in my mouth, bones broken, more dead than alive!!! I touch myself, knowing I am still alive. I know I need to get up, I know I need to push myself up, yet, I know, I just need to let it be and it will all be over. But I fight, to wake up, for another day, alive and hoping for a better day!!!