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...who cannot figure out the plot
Emotions are such powerful things. They crawl into our lives and create these crevices that make a perfectly soft soil into a patched barren land. How ironic? Instead of being rich and filled with life because of emotions, the wonderful life becomes barren because of them! Why? Because they are the very cause of disruptions in a perfect life.
She looked at herself in the mirror, the aged lines on her face, carefully covered with a concealer, the smile perfected with a lipstick and the tired eyes lit up with a hint of mascara. She looked picture perfect. She gave an angelic smile and the reflection in the mirror gave her a smile too, that warmed her heart. She took her Gucci and walked down the stairs. She looked at her husband who was waiting at the end of the stairs, the light in her heart growing brighter.
As she walked gracefully, one hand sliding down the railing of the stair case glittering in a diamond bracelet, her engagement ring shining with the lustre only a solitaire would give, he stared at her agape at the vision in front of him. His wife for ten years, who looks every bit as beautiful as she did when he first met her and aged gracefully than he did over the last ten years, made his heart grow fonder, just by her smile. Amazing that her smile could fill his heart, even after all the numerous fights and countless arguments they had. Amazing that she still makes him feel like the twenty year old kid, unafraid and daring to walk head on into anything, for her. Amazing that she still makes him feel that every moment is worth living, when she is with him. God, she is magnificent, he thought.
She could see the smile on his face. She looked at his unfathomable eyes that conveyed everything and nothing and felt a thud in her heart. She stood next to him, not knowing what to say. Silence has become a form of communication between them, for a long time. Silence when words were not enough would have made a perfect song, but silence when words were absent is a huge emptiness. Yet, her smile did not falter. Did he still love her? Did he still need her? The questions lingered on her mind, yet the smile did not falter. Years of practice at making everyone else happy, despite her emotions, made her an expert artist in the stage of life.
Little did she know that she still made his heart stop, every time he looked at her. Little did she know that she was the centre of his universe, that she was on his every thought every day, even on the days they did not talk to each other, that she was his life. Little did she know that he admired her audacity, her courage and that, in his heart, he has a shrine built for her, holding her picture perfect smiles, the sound of her laughter, her quiet tears, her feistiness, her anger, the rainbow of her emotions, perfectly aligned, one after another, that he loved to reminisce. Little did she know any of these thoughts that run through his mind, every now and then. He had no words to express and she had no way of knowing.
She thought, did he ever wonder if she continued to love him? After all these years of their marriage, did he need that reassurance that she loved him? She held off the “I love you” that was on the tip of her tongue. For some bizarre reason she could not say it out loud. It seemed pretentious, to say it out loud. She wanted to reach out to hold his hand, but refrained herself from doing so. It has been a very long time, since she held his hand. The last was when they walked down the aisle after they were married. It is strange that they never strolled hand in hand after that day. Amazing how they have two adorable kids, who lived in a happy family to the outside world. Her insides want to melt down into a puddle of raw nerves and her heart wants to give out at the depressing thoughts her mind is rushing her past with.
“Are you ready to go?”, he asked.
“Yes, let us go”, she said.
They sat in their car and he switched on the music, while she stared out of the window at the shadows that followed them, as he began to drive. She wondered if they were her own shadows that threatened to come out of the closet.
He stared at her once in a while, oblivious to all the thoughts running in her head. He wanted to ask what she was thinking. But he kept quiet. They were used to this silence. They were comfortable in that silence. Their world looked perfect in that silence, that he did not want to break it. Did he ever wonder, for how many days that world looked perfect? Did he ever wonder, why silence ruled their world? Did he for one moment stop to think if the smile on her face was real?
Moments whizz past life, which never come back. Times where life and emotions are taken for granted. Mind in its wrapped up reality spills the guts of faceless emotions, while heart in its pumping glory cocoons them into heartbeats that translate to a living and together they give a surreal experience. But where do they go from here? As they move past the familiar silences, the music that echoed in the background became a dull thud.
“Do you remember this song?”, he asked.
“Should I remember this song?”, she responded.
He sighed, wondering why she was always this disconcerting. It was the song that played in the background of his car, when they had what seemed to be their biggest fight at that time, her not willing to give up her job when they get married, eventually. When they fought, which often resulted in her tears and senseless tantrums and an eventual cuddling of the unresolved tension, he felt it was over and done, having done his manly duty of holding her through the tears, while she felt the resentment of being a woman unable to communicate to her man. Those moments of familiar discomfort and frozen seconds and the later make up time were part and parcel of their relation. Yet, he remembered every insignificant nuance of their time, while she zoomed past the stuff and remembers nothing, or perhaps only those that she wanted to remember. He felt the bile of resentment reach his heart, which he suppressed with practiced precision and clamped his mouth shut.
She looked at his face, waiting for his response, knowing full well the significance of the song, knowing full well what he asked of her when he uttered those words of dependency on him, knowing their full blown out fight in the very same car, on the very same road, waiting for him to say that he remembered them too. She wanted to repress the memory of her first moment of insecurity, of her choice of trusting this man she wanted to walk the rest of her life with. But she could not. She could not repress it. Was there some reason he asked her this question?
“Are you going to answer it?”, she reiterated.
“What should I answer?”, he asked.
Then why did you bring it up, she wondered.
“Never mind”, she said.
And the familiar walls of silence engulfed them. Each lost in their own inner turmoil, each bearing the resentment of the unsaid words, each laying a brick on the wall that separated them.
They reached their destination and they walked into the restaurant. She ordered for them and they had their dinner, quietly. While she writhed in the familiar uncertainty of their future, he drank his beer and wallowed his anger and frustration, their familiar silence now a boon. She paid their bill, not wanting him to pay for her and they walked back into the car, when he drove them home. Next morning was a new beginning, the wall impenetrable, today a new day and together, in their own tiny ways, tried to get past the previous night. Those countless hurdles that passed their day to day mundane chores, that took monotony to a new level. Both went on with their lives, as though yesterdays were nothing and with hope that tomorrows would be better and the todays a bundle of emotional vulnerability. Emotions disrupting their perfectly normal life.
