You are at the risk of entering my world as I see it. Any resemblance to people or situations to the real world is coincidental. The names and characters are fictional and the fiction posts are a mere fantasy of my whim. This is a make-believe world of my complex mind and while I try not to be offensive, if the content is too strong, please do not continue reading the post.

Nov 13, 2016

True reflection

These thoughts, I ask of them to just let me be. They push and probe, they pull and hold. I try to ponder on these incessant thoughts running through my mind. When I prod them long enough, I am caught staring at myself, in a room full of mirrors that show me a myriad of my reflections. Where am I? I try to find the real me, the reflection that should be me. But alas, I realize, I am seeing the different me, that each thought of mine portrays. Which thought is true? Which is false? In the search for my reflection, I study each of them, to help me understand - the cause behind them. Some thoughts, I say, are difficult to fathom. They rage maddeningly, whirling through a sandstorm, spiraling me out of control and when realization hits, that I am caught in a spiral, I force myself to calm down, to be still. In this constant struggle to be me and to be some version of me, I see myself losing the plot, becoming a chameleon that I don't want to be. I am still searching, still probing. Hopefully, some day, I can see the true reflection of me....

Brain Krans in his 'A Constant Suicide'  says:

"All I know is that I have no idea where I am right now. I feel like I am in training for something, making progress with every step I take. I fear standing still. It is my greatest weakness.

I talk big, but often don't follow through. That's my biggest problem. I don't even know what to think right now. It's about time I start to take a jump. Fuck starting to take. Just jump-over everything. Leap.

It's time to be aggressive. You've started to speak your mind, now keep going with it, but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it's time for rebirth. There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.


Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.

Do everything with exact calculation, nothing without meaning. Do not make careful your words, but make no excuses for what you say. Fuck em' all. Set a goal for everyday and never be tired."

Seems apt, for the state of my mind!!

Jul 14, 2016

Witnessing the Blackswan

Aye! I did! I surely did! Metaphorically, at least! It took me a while to process it, embrace it and perhaps form an explanation about it.

Wimbledon 2016 semi-finals between mortal and God seemed to have shocked the expectations of every one, particularly since the said mortal was ordinary in the finals. So, having seen God losing the plot when he served a double fault, yeah! I have to say, I saw the unpredictable, unforeseen, unimaginable event in the history of said God and that is such a rare and freak occurrence, that it compelled me to say that I have seen a black swan!

I thought Roger Federer will cruise to the title. But that did not happen. He is quickly losing his God Persona, but tennis has become more fun now. Watching him play and toy and raise the bar beyond the opponents comprehension when needed, made him the God of Tennis. And now, these youngsters are envisioning his play and matching his greatness with grit, yet he still seemed to have something up his sleeve, until recently. Now, the tricks seem to have gotten a little old.

Raonic played brilliant tennis. He was positive, pushed Federer all over the court, had awesome second serve and finally, just believed he could win. It showed in the game. Federer, on the other hand, seemed to struggle to find the right gear for the match.

I enjoyed the hither-tither of the ball all over the court, particularly Federer’s returns and Raonic placements. For a moment there, I was just enjoying the game. Is that not what sport is supposed to do? To help you enjoy the battle of stalwarts, stepping up their game with every shot and like the fierce warriors they are, never giving up and toiling on, putting up a performance that is laudable even for an amateur sports buff. And they gave that in plenty to me. But, in the fourth set, Federer did the unthinkable. I was thinking this would go to a tie break, both holding their respective serves. But Federer and double fault – two words as unlikely an event as him not winning a single game in a match and it all ended there, for me.

Post-match, my husband and I were arguing, his prediction that Raonic looks more positive irked me to enough to banish him from the living room. In hindsight, I should have saved my heartache and just watched something else, but then, I would have missed the metaphorical Black Swan! I hope I won’t have to watch another!!

Mar 19, 2016

Goodbye Granma!!

March 19, 2016.

There are moments in life where logic has no meaning. And one such moments is death, the absolute certainty of it and the finality of it.

Gran ma passed away on March 19, 2016. And when I heard the news, the despair was all consuming. At that point, it was not about coping or standing strong, it was about mourning the loss of a person who had a significant impact on my life. 

Right at this moment, twelve days after her demise, I am not really sure if I processed the pain. I feel a bit numb, with my brain functioning on and off. I keep going back to seeing her in the ice box, the look of peace on her face, one I had not seen, even in her sleep in as long as I remember. Death has finally given her peace, that which eluded her for quite sometime. While she rests in peace, her loved ones are dangling between relief and sorrow. One moment, it is a relief that her suffering is done and the other moment, is about questioning the sanity of that thought. The first couple of days have been overwhelming, the thought of not having a loved one around. After that, it was coping with the reality, accepting it and finding ways to overcome the despair that wants to drown me.

Every person has a different way of coping. I tend to relive the emotion that threatens to cripple me, over and over again, until I am numb. I get on with my day, focusing on what needs to be done, moving from one task to another, ignoring the longing for a quiet place to wallow. Most of the time, I cope quite well, but sometimes, I feel like I am standing on the precipice of a bottomless abyss. I stare at it long enough with no thought or feeling. It is like time has come to a standstill. I feel the conversations bouncing off me and the monotonous drone of everyday hustle in the background. And then, I realize the need to hold on to the sanity in me, and force myself to participate, to feel.

I should have been used to accepting death, having watched enough loved ones embrace it, to understand that death is as much a part of life as life itself. Yet, every loss brings the feelings of despair anew and threatens to whirl me like a tornado. For now, I cannot seem to overcome the grief. Amidst all the distractions, it hovers in the background, ready to pounce on me.

I would like to think that she has not suffered a lot of pain, for she did not complain about any. For over a period of ten years, she endured the loss of husband and son, both the losses depleting her and the rest of the family, the joy of a fully functioning family. While the loss of husband is acceptable, the loss of son has pushed her through unspeakable agony. She endured the suffering silently, losing one sense after the other - the sense of taste, the sense of hearing, the sense of clear sight and yet, she pushed for seven years, before the body finally gave up.

For me, watching her wither away was difficult to accept. She brought me up. She picked me up from school and endured my tantrums for silly nothings on our way home. She, who fed me sweet rotis before my evening hours of play and cooked my favorite foods, most of the time I turned up to see her, could not eat a whole meal in over two years and could not savor a meal for over three years. It was a slow, painful slip into a life of an invalid and watching her embrace death was crippling and relieving at the same time. While I can accept the death and even welcome it, the grief that accompanied it was like a blow to the shins. It is an extremely painful experience. Time will heal the grief, but the memory of the pain will remain.

Goodbye grand ma, rest in peace!! I love you very very much. Though your physical presence is no longer there, you are very much a part of me. I will miss you, very much.

Jul 12, 2015

Wimbledon 2015 - Men's final

Novak Djokovic, the defending champion beats Roger Federer 7-6, 6-7, 6-4, 6-3, and slams his dream of eighth Wimbledon title to grass (pun intended). What a match it was? Watching Novak play was absolutely thrilling. And watching Federer, it looked like even God tends to bow to mortals once in a while. But, seriously, how good was Novak?

Roger Federer, in this Wimbledon has not been his usual self. His backhands have found the nets more often than not, his aces were not as recurrent as they once were and though he volleyed quite a lot, his lazy elegance was not as eloquent as it once had been. Yet, he still conquered the court and stole people’s heart. His semifinals win against Andy Murray was vintage Federer.

If people had their say on the Centre Court, for the final, the match would have gone well into the fifth set with Federer claiming his eighth Wimbledon title. But alas, Novak Djokovic ruled the court! He played aggressively, not budging an inch and his base line play was ferocious. He created unforced errors and played blistering shots that had no answers in Federer’s vast repertoire. He produced winners at his will, to combat from the corner he was backed into and Federer had to bow, despite his valiant effort.

Federer had his moments too. The way he set Djokovic up to claim the second set tie breaker was awesome. His aces were a treat to the eye, but his cross court winners stole my heart. Though I was supporting Djokovic, I could not help but applaud Federer’s every point. Federer, in his unassuming self is easy to adore and his game demands respect, from the audience and the opponent. And even at his worst, he still produces the master stokes. But, his brilliance was insufficient. At 33, his game is still solid, he still is playing awesome rallies, yet, when the younger opponent with his ferocious returns intends to reign, he just had to accept that his best was insufficient.

But, I find it hard to say it was Federer at his best in the final. Federer, who could break any opponents serve with ease was fighting to hold on to his serve, not a common occurrence. He who could produce drop volleys and blistering back hands, could only find net at the moment it mattered. He who could read the opponent like a book and change tactics at will, could do nothing but push on for just one more game. All this culminated his dream of creating history. Whether he wins another Wimbledon or not, he still is the unconquered king of the hearts of all the Centre Court audience.

And Novak Djokovic, overcame the pressure of playing a maestro in front of an un-supporting audience and produced a game of deeper depth with such aplomb, that it was clear who the winner was, the moment he took the first set. It was only a matter of time when the errors of the opponent were too many, and his returns were too good to play. His first serves were tight, his returns were ruthless, his break points were spectacular, his drop volleys stunning and his rallies heartwarming. He raised his game with every stroke, he demanded nothing but brilliance as counter-attack. He stood tall to produce breathtaking tennis and took the maestro on his backcourt and owned it. It was difficult to not fawn at his display of aggression and smile at him eating the grass off centre court after winning. If his shout of victory was anything to go by, there is more of that yet to come!!

I enjoyed this Wimbledon immensely!! And this era, where there is a champion in every second name of the game, it sure is a golden era for tennis... Looking forward to the US Open :)

Jul 7, 2015

I will find a way...

I am not in the right frame of mind, at this very moment. My body is weak, my defenses are low, physically, I am exhausted and mentally, I don't seem to have the strength to wake up the next day. When I sleep, I wonder if I can wake up tomorrow and more importantly, if I want to wake up tomorrow. When I wake up, I wonder how I intend to get through the day and when the night befalls, I am thankful for the days closure. It is easy to give up, to close my eyes to the world and let myself wallow. And because it is easy, I need to fight, to push. I am trying, but for one moment, just one moment, I want to succumb, to weep, to mourn. Yet, I cannot seem to find that solace that grants me that freedom of expression. A good cry may help, but that is not my way. I cannot seem to find tears for pain that cuts too deep. I cry for silly things, I cry when I am angry, but when my heart feels like it is about to rip itself out, how can few tears assuage its feeling? Tears cannot make me forget, that moment of joy. And the pain I feel, cannot help me climb the boulder that is planted in the midst of my path. Yet, I need to find a way. I need to overcome the grief that wants to push me beneath. I need to find a way around it.

Grief is such a funny thing. It disappears in company, it wanders down the street when you are focused on something, it buries itself under a blanket when you take a nap, it sits on a chair with its reading glasses when you are working... it bides its time and comes back with a whip, ready to lash at you and even though you are prepared, the pain is just unbearable. How can it not be? You ignored it for the  better part of the day and it wants its vengeance. And just like a trained body, you get used to the ache and that is when it starts to numb. And until that moment, one just has to cope. And I am trying. A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to one of my colleague giving a passionate dialogue of living in the moment. For a moment there, I wondered, how can you live in a moment, when all the moments of the past up until that very moment contributed to that moment. It is not easy. Today, I seem to be embracing it, for that momentary relief, to live in the now. Is this one way of coping up? I don't know. What I know, right now, is that, however impossible and improbable life seems to be, it will get better. It will get easier. And I will find a way, to move on.

I will find a way...