A splendid cast ...

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

--------------------------------------------

...who cannot figure out the plot

Emotions are such powerful things. They crawl into our lives and create these crevices that make a perfectly soft soil into a patched barren land. How ironic? Instead of being rich and filled with life because of emotions, the wonderful life becomes barren because of them! Why? Because they are the very cause of disruptions in a perfect life.

She looked at herself in the mirror, the aged lines on her face, carefully covered with a concealer, the smile perfected with a lipstick and the tired eyes lit up with a hint of mascara. She looked picture perfect. She gave an angelic smile and the reflection in the mirror gave her a smile too, that warmed her heart. She took her Gucci and walked down the stairs. She looked at her husband who was waiting at the end of the stairs, the light in her heart growing brighter.

As she walked gracefully, one hand sliding down the railing of the stair case glittering in a diamond bracelet, her engagement ring shining with the lustre only a solitaire would give, he stared at her agape at the vision in front of him. His wife for ten years, who looks every bit as beautiful as she did when he first met her and aged gracefully than he did over the last ten years, made his heart grow fonder, just by her smile. Amazing that her smile could fill his heart, even after all the numerous fights and countless arguments they had. Amazing that she still makes him feel like the twenty year old kid, unafraid and daring to walk head on into anything, for her. Amazing that she still makes him feel that every moment is worth living, when she is with him. God, she is magnificent, he thought.

She could see the smile on his face. She looked at his unfathomable eyes that conveyed everything and nothing and felt a thud in her heart. She stood next to him, not knowing what to say. Silence has become a form of communication between them, for a long time. Silence when words were not enough would have made a perfect song, but silence when words were absent is a huge emptiness. Yet, her smile did not falter. Did he still love her? Did he still need her? The questions lingered on her mind, yet the smile did not falter. Years of practice at making everyone else happy, despite her emotions, made her an expert artist in the stage of life.

Little did she know that she still made his heart stop, every time he looked at her. Little did she know that she was the centre of his universe, that she was on his every thought every day, even on the days they did not talk to each other, that she was his life. Little did she know that he admired her audacity, her courage and that, in his heart, he has a shrine built for her, holding her picture perfect smiles, the sound of her laughter, her quiet tears, her feistiness, her anger, the rainbow of her emotions, perfectly aligned, one after another, that he loved to reminisce. Little did she know any of these thoughts that run through his mind, every now and then. He had no words to express and she had no way of knowing.

She thought, did he ever wonder if she continued to love him? After all these years of their marriage, did he need that reassurance that she loved him? She held off the “I love you” that was on the tip of her tongue. For some bizarre reason she could not say it out loud. It seemed pretentious, to say it out loud. She wanted to reach out to hold his hand, but refrained herself from doing so. It has been a very long time, since she held his hand. The last was when they walked down the aisle after they were married. It is strange that they never strolled hand in hand after that day. Amazing how they have two adorable kids, who lived in a happy family to the outside world. Her insides want to melt down into a puddle of raw nerves and her heart wants to give out at the depressing thoughts her mind is rushing her past with.
“Are you ready to go?”, he asked.
“Yes, let us go”, she said.
They sat in their car and he switched on the music, while she stared out of the window at the shadows that followed them, as he began to drive. She wondered if they were her own shadows that threatened to come out of the closet.

He stared at her once in a while, oblivious to all the thoughts running in her head. He wanted to ask what she was thinking. But he kept quiet. They were used to this silence. They were comfortable in that silence. Their world looked perfect in that silence, that he did not want to break it. Did he ever wonder, for how many days that world looked perfect? Did he ever wonder, why silence ruled their world? Did he for one moment stop to think if the smile on her face was real?

Moments whizz past life, which never come back. Times where life and emotions are taken for granted. Mind in its wrapped up reality spills the guts of faceless emotions, while heart in its pumping glory cocoons them into heartbeats that translate to a living and together they give a surreal experience. But where do they go from here? As they move past the familiar silences, the music that echoed in the background became a dull thud.

“Do you remember this song?”, he asked.
“Should I remember this song?”, she responded.

He sighed, wondering why she was always this disconcerting. It was the song that played in the background of his car, when they had what seemed to be their biggest fight at that time, her not willing to give up her job when they get married, eventually. When they fought, which often resulted in her tears and senseless tantrums and an eventual cuddling of the unresolved tension, he felt it was over and done, having done his manly duty of holding her through the tears, while she felt the resentment of being a woman unable to communicate to her man. Those moments of familiar discomfort and frozen seconds and the later make up time were part and parcel of their relation. Yet, he remembered every insignificant nuance of their time, while she zoomed past the stuff and remembers nothing, or perhaps only those that she wanted to remember. He felt the bile of resentment reach his heart, which he suppressed with practiced precision and clamped his mouth shut.
She looked at his face, waiting for his response, knowing full well the significance of the song, knowing full well what he asked of her when he uttered those words of dependency on him, knowing their full blown out fight in the very same car, on the very same road, waiting for him to say that he remembered them too. She wanted to repress the memory of her first moment of insecurity, of her choice of trusting this man she wanted to walk the rest of her life with. But she could not. She could not repress it. Was there some reason he asked her this question?

“Are you going to answer it?”, she reiterated.
“What should I answer?”, he asked.
Then why did you bring it up, she wondered.
“Never mind”, she said.

And the familiar walls of silence engulfed them. Each lost in their own inner turmoil, each bearing the resentment of the unsaid words, each laying a brick on the wall that separated them.

They reached their destination and they walked into the restaurant. She ordered for them and they had their dinner, quietly. While she writhed in the familiar uncertainty of their future, he drank his beer and wallowed his anger and frustration, their familiar silence now a boon. She paid their bill, not wanting him to pay for her and they walked back into the car, when he drove them home. Next morning was a new beginning, the wall impenetrable, today a new day and together, in their own tiny ways, tried to get past the previous night. Those countless hurdles that passed their day to day mundane chores, that took monotony to a new level. Both went on with their lives, as though yesterdays were nothing and with hope that tomorrows would be better and the todays a bundle of emotional vulnerability. Emotions disrupting their perfectly normal life.

Life - it does not stop!

Sometimes in life, there are paths that lead away from our heart. We follow that path and walk through the serenity and embrace the anonymity of the new path. We walk along that path in the hope of finding something. That something is not always quantitative. But, first, why choose the new path? Because, good old same road is boring and new path promises more. And despite everything life taught us, we still believe that promise.

As we walk along that new path, we ponder once in a while, to go back. Of course, that is only natural, given that, everything new has a sense of risk and the comfort of the known walls is better than the luxury of the unknown. Yet, we persevere, until we hit a road block. As it happens in life, every path will have a stumble and a road block. Just to make the journey interesting.
Now, here comes the tricky path. How to move forward from that road block? It seems so easy to turn back and walk into the comfort zone. Yet, few brave venture to cross the road block. Few return, never to explore a new path again. But, the brave, who move forward, trigger the entire process again. Choose – stumble – forward or backward. But, did anyone ever wonder, why the process? Why choose? Why stumble? Why move forward or backward? Of course, the logical question to ask would be, why to stay?

More often than not, I keep asking this question to myself. I still do not have an answer.

But, life – It doesn’t stop. Not when there are questions nor when there are answers.
When life seems meaningless, it does not stop.
When life seems blissful, it does not stop.
When life seems full of life, it does not stop.
When life seems a drag, it does not stop.
When life seems chaotic, it does not stop.
When life seems to be filled with passion, it does not stop.
When life seems heartless, it does not stop.
When life seems to be filled with love, it does not stop.
When life seems loveless, it does not stop.
And the list goes on, and life still does not stop.
But why, why do I want it to stop, just for a second and let me catch up with it? Why does it want me to huff and puff and totter behind it, as it bosses me around? It is supposed to be my life, ain’t it? When did it suddenly cease being my own? Did it slip away, from my hands, just like the quick sand that slips through the fingers, when we hold it too tight? Should I scramble to collect it into my hands again? This time, will it stay?

“Of course not, you idiot! Life goes on!! Don’t you get it?” (says my alter ego. Life- here is a request, please take her along with you, the next time you wish to leave me behind!)

Story of Little Elm

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

--------------------------------------------

 
She felt like the prettiest girl on the planet, when he looked at her that way. When his hands touched her, she shivered in reverence at that delicate touch. When he fed her, his kindness melted into her, making her weak in her knees. When he dressed her up, she felt that she is the luckiest girl on the planet.

She did not care that she was in a glass cage, she did not care that she would never get to know anything beyond the glass cage. She was content watching him every single moment of her life. She was content to be taken in hand and trimmed to shape and made weak in her knees. She knew that he cared for her, she construed that to be love. And she was happy.

One day, she was taken to the outside, into the garden. He was holding her and that was all that mattered. He put her down in the cozy green grass, while he took out a shovel. She worried that he would bury her there and when he started digging a hole, she felt depressed. She started losing her color and feeling pale. She looked withered and by the time he dug a hole to bury her, she looked dead too. He took one look at her and decided that she needed additional attention and so, he took her back to his room and placed her on the window sill. She started breathing again, her color retained and she looked happy too. She felt that he read her well and that he knew exactly what was good for her.

Every day, he gave her water and for that one sip of water, she felt grateful to him. But, she wanted more. She wanted him to spend time with her, to whisper in her ears, to sing for her, to dance with her, to tell stories to her, to show her to his friends. She waited for him to do that. One day, he brought his friends over and they had fun, while she looked on, to see, if he would introduce her to them. He and his friends were not interested in her. Not once, did he looked at her. Not once! How dare he!

She was frustrated. For the first time, she wanted to show him that she needed attention. She wanted to scream at him for being so unkind as to shut her off completely. She looked down at herself. She still looked pretty, with a sturdy build and trimmed leaves, she looked pretty in her glass cage. She did not understand why he would ignore her! She turned to look out of the window, while she fumed in hurt. She gazed into a far off land, not really seeing anything. He left the room, along with his friends and she felt alone. She looked back to see if there was a note on her glass cage, his handprint which usually lingered when he touched the cage. She was disappointed. She turned her back and looked out of the window, now noticing for the first time, the vastness and the hugeness of the nature spanned infront of her. She saw the hole he dug for her. She looked past that hole to see a huge tree, smiling down at her. The tree looked pretty too.

“You alright, little Elm?”, she asked.

She was too startled to answer. She looked at the huge tree, which continued to look at her with kindness. “Yes, I … I … “, she stuttered, looking a bit out of place and flustered.

“You know, the kindness these people show you is fantastic. But, there is nothing like freedom. There is nothing like the warmth of a mother’s womb. When he dug this hole for you, he was giving you a chance to embrace that! But, you looked unhappy. So he took you back. But, why are you unhappy now?”, she asked.

Elm looked on at the kind old lady and pondered over her words. She grew restless as she thought about them. She was stuck in a glass cage, with her world wrapped in a tiny block of glass, with her feet in artificial mud and her leaves and roots, trimmed to fit this shape while her brothers and sisters are out there, living a carefree life, with their feet buried deep into the mother earth and standing tall and dancing with the children. She looked at herself and realized, she made the choice of staying in this glass cage, because she loved him. She wanted to be with him. She felt miserable knowing that she is missing the possibilities out there, in the free world, while she chose to stay with him.

He returned home and he lay on his bed. She looked on and not once did she see him turn his head towards her. No sorry either, for not introducing his friends. No sorry for not talking to her the entire day. No sorry that he had not fed her. She felt sorry for herself. He was supposed to love her and be her world. She looked on at him, wondering why she felt out of sorts.
The next day, he hurried out of the door, having woke up late, yet again, for his office. He really should get his priorities right, she sighed. Damn, she loved him. But, she was thirsty. The meagre spoon of water she had a couple of days ago was not helping her and he did not feed her today. Her will was snapping and she was withering and he was not there to hold her hands through it all! She was losing consciousness too. She was hyperventilating, but there was no one to help her now.

When he came home, his little Elm looked dead. He cursed and fed her a glass of water. She felt choked, the water is not going in. she tried to tell him that he was pouring too much down her throat, but he was not looking at her. He was talking on the phone. She was furious. She tried to stomp her feet, but they refused to budge from the soil. She was choking and her spasms increased. She was feeling suffocated and she looked to him for help. But he was busy on the phone. She looked on. She thought back to all the days when he fed her, every day. She recollected his face, the expressions that he had when he spent time with her. She realized with shock, that he had always been like this. He had always been this self-absorbed. He did not look at her, he did not care that she looked pretty. He just cut her to shape, because he wanted her to stay in the cage. She was hurt beyond words when she realized, she was held captive all this time and she was a willing prisoner. As she realized she was in on her last breath, she felt pity on herself, for wasting her life, fantasizing on her perception of him, rather than seeing the facts. She suddenly realized, she was not even pretty. She was small, she has no self-worth, she was being fed, by a person who took care of her, perhaps out of pity and not out of love! Her world, as she knew, came crashing down. She lost her consciousness again!

When she woke up, she found herself in a yard, sprawled nude. She was embarrassed beyond reason, when she looked around and heard the snickers of her fellow companions, her brothers and sisters, looking at her, with amusement.

“Get up. You are not alone there little sister. We are here for you. You can do it. Grab on that Carbondioxide, there is plenty of it here. We can help you live, if you make little effort. We are here for you, holding your hand, to take you to our mother, who will nurture you back to health and royalty. It is a huge process, but you need to take baby steps. But, first, you need to take a step, to believe in yourself and believe in your worth.”
Despite her weakness, she tried holding on, grabbing onto anything that can give her a chance to see him once. She heard the word of advice, but they just don’t understand. She cannot survive without seeing him with her eyes, every single moment, even though he cares little whether she survived or not. She held on and gazed past her companions, into the small window. Her eyesight wavered, but she held on to the hope, to see his face and go into heaven.

“Breathe!”

There he is, her charming prince. She looked at him in content and she felt she could close her eyes now. She looked down and saw that there was another Elm in the glass cage, drinking a spoon of water from his hand, looking ecstatic. Elm jolted out of her weakness. She realized she was replaced with a look-alike, nevertheless replaced. She was not precious after all. She withered and he threw her out, presuming that she is dead and moved on, while she held on to his memories.
“C’mon, you can do it, breathe”, she heard someone day.

“Oh, poor baby, look how weak you are. I am here now, I can take care of her. You all have chores to do, get moving”, she heard a voice call out and looked around. Everyone of her brother and sister went back to their chores. She looked for the source of her voice, when she felt a warmth rise into heart. She felt her feet covered and she was glad for the heat. She was being fed, with a different sort of food. She wanted more. Perhaps, the voice heard her, because she was having more. She looked at herself and realized, what it means to be home and in mother’s warmth, for her feet are buried deep in soil and her mother wrapped herself around her, providing her warmth and food. She sighed, content!

My tryst in a tempest

It seems like a dull day. Not that the place is dull or that the morning is dull, it is all bright and sunny and warm, just a right day to play a sport or walk around with friends or just hang out or read a book or do anything other than procrastinating. And it is not that I do it often, but I got up this morning with a dull ache in my heart, for some reason. Perhaps this is what people call being home sick. I never realized I am that sort of a person. New place excites me a lot. I love to meet new people, I love to explore the surroundings, I love the independence that comes with being alone in a strange place. I feel it to be an opportunity to see how I fare and how I react to the situations. But, this time it seems different.

Walking around the Mississippi river, along the bridge gave me a reminder of one other experience I had, the one that made me an altogether different person, the one that exposed a different side of me to myself, the one where I was carefree and enjoyed the challenge of a new place. It reminded me of the lone walks, the casual conversations, the respect of the strangers and above all, it reminded me what it means to live with people of different communities and back grounds and explore in subtle way the unity in diversity. Here and now, the familiarity of the people, yet the strangeness that revolves around them, knowing that we come from some common back ground, but have different perspectives and feelings for life is not so much of a comfort. It is not a comfort to know that you have people to talk to too. Why? Isn’t it strange that the comfort is not comforting?

A bright morning is clouded by nothing more than the thoughts that are revolving in my head, half of them that have to do with me living up to my own expectations. This is not the promise that I made to myself when I came here. But then, it sometimes is not all about promises, isn’t it? From afar, the land looks green and beautiful, but once you land there and walk around, you notice that the path is unclear, that the beauty in the scenery is because it was uninhabited, the limited paths that exist are those of the passing travellers who left their footprints for some stranger, who walks in those paths on some random day, forming their own impressions, all the while, leaving something for someone to ponder upon and to take it into their life. You also notice that the beauty is no longer a beauty but a trap to invite you into the depth of the paths intertwined with emptiness. Above all, it is the loneliness that adds to the beauty of those unexplored paths. And that is a pinnacle one has to enjoy to hold themselves together.

I progress along these uneven lands, my tryst with the tempest, hoping to find a shore that is my pinnacle, be it loneliness or grandeur and be it with the crowd or without. Of course, sometimes, solitude is a crowd in itself. The voice(s) that one hears is a company in itself. These are phases in life, that I do enjoy the most, particularly because there is somewhere inside this tiny person, an alter ego that urges me, on the side of caution, to persevere despite the pressing burden. I love that person, I love that sanity. So, good luck to me!

Another phase: A trip to the US of A

There is something absolutely thrilling when a dream comes true. I am here, in USA and it is unbelievable. The journey to the place was tiring, but it did not take much time for me to adjust, thanks to being aware of the ordeal. How I came to be here is a different story, but being here definitely makes me feel the excitement of a ten year old kid about to go to a circus!

Minneapolis is a beautiful place. On the offset, it does not look secure or safe, but, beneath all those gory feelings, the place is absolutely gorgeous, with its lovely surroundings and amazing buildings. My first take of the place is that it is extremely beautiful, albeit reserved in its welcome to strangers! And for the record, public transport in the US is really sad and bad. From an ecological perspective, it would save a ton of petrol/diesel/gas if the transport in the US improves. Just saying.And ofcourse, the rent is exorbitant, but that comes with not knowing the place. Leaving out the mundane details aside, I have a beautiful view of the skyline of Minneapolis and a view of the Mississippi river and a perfect view of the traffic that flows around the place. I love watching all the three. It is fascinating to be lost in the clouds, that are clear and look warm. Summer is beautiful when it does not show its wrath. And the traffic is something I do not get tired to watch and it is fascinating to see the order with which the traffic moves in this place. Coming from India, it certainly is a refreshing pace.

Winter, a couple of months down the line, I was told, is pretty harsh and the first winter might be particularly harsh. I really do not like the cold and I have absolutely no clue as to how I landed myself in this part of the US, where the winter is the coldest. Ofcourse, there is a silver lining that I get to see the snow, but then again, I was told, it would be a snow desert for a good six months, so I would eventually get tired of it. Well, whatever anyone says, I am pretty excited about it and I am looking forward to it, though I might change the tune when it really comes down to it. LOL.

But, most of all, I am excited about seeing New York. For some reason, watching CSI NY drove me to the point of desperate measures to see this place. Ofcourse, watching a crime scene investigation gives me little chance to see the surroundings, when there is a murder suspense to unveil, but then, I am good at observing things, particularly architecture and New York is the place to see it. I am not sure when I would get a chance to see this place, but I will have to see it before I return back home. I am super excited about it.

On a side note, I am working on something I have absolutely no clue about, so catching up on it will take most of my initial time and ofcourse, a place to stay is still vague for now. And yeah, the possibility of seeing Vampire Diaries while it telecasts is like, super thrilling for me. That is another thing I am excited about.

So lets see how this phase of my life goes…

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2

Glad that this is my 200th post in this blog :).....

Its curtain time for the most enchanting series I have witnessed. Harry Potter turns Happy Potter as he embraces his destiny and leaves me a little sad. I am super excited and super thrilled to be watching it on the first day and undoubtedly will watch again. I have not yet stepped into the Cinemas and I have not seen a single trailer, for I want the first hand impression of the grand finale of the one fantasy movie I would love to watch over and over again. Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson have clutched to the strings of my heart and I will be sad to not see them as Harry Potter and Hermione Granger and I am sure that their future movies shall hold their enthralling performances, but I shall always remember them for their roles in this fantasy series. Time does not fly when I want it to fly, darn…

And I am back, after watching Harry Potter finale and boy, was it brilliant? It had everything, and amazingly the grim tone of the situation is brilliantly captured through out the movie. Despite the occasional laugh, the movie did give me what I wanted in Harry Potter movies, magic, fights, fire works, sparks. And Daniel Radcliffe did an amazing job as Harry Potter and he took me into the movie, into his emotional state, as he portrayed the character with impending doom to an outstanding extent. As you see him accept the fact that he needs to face Voldemort alone and that it would be fatal to him, the entire weight of the life he had, the experiences he had to go through and given that while he is alive, Voldemort will always be alive and that he has to be dead for Voldemort to be dead, in that scene, you just get into his character and feel that entire pain in your heart, as he sits helpless in Dumbledore’s room at Hogwarts. And that scene alone is sufficient to see the movie.

As Hogwarts fights back along with the one and only hope for their world to survive, when the professors cast the protection spells around the school, I was spellbound. I almost went into heaven watching the fireworks from there on. Sure, there are certain things I wish were better, like Harry’s explanation to Voldemort about why the spells from his wand were rebounding and why the Death Curse did not work on Harry. I wish that scene was captured according to the book. I also wished for the cheers to be heard, when Voldemort died, that the entire wizarding world that was afraid of him could heave a collective sigh of relief when they see him sprawled on the floor or become dust. To put it bluntly, I just wished that the end would drag a little more! Two hours of magic was insufficient for me… greedy me! C’mon, if you were a fan of Harry Potter, tell me that you would not wish for the same, honestly!

The movie is definitely enchanting, thrilling, surreal and absolutely a treat for all the Harry potter fans. More importantly, it succeeded in portraying the epic battle between good and bad to a very satisfying extent. And also, it’s not just about the big battle, but also the subtle themes about the love shared between the characters, that is very touchingly portrayed, which adds to the magic of the movie. It definitely makes us wonder how quickly childhood passes and pushes us to think that in a matter of a second, we might not actually have a life. When the doom shall come and embrace is definitely unknown, but what is real is the life we have at this moment and if we cannot make it work, we never know if we will have to embark on a journey as Harry Potter (fat chance!) or whatever. SO, seize the day, watch Harry Potter and get on with life as this minute is your last ;)…

What can I do?

I have tried so hard to put into words, the swarm of thoughts running through my head these days. But, I realized, the more I force myself to sit, the more antagonistic they become. They hide themselves in a corner, refusing to come out, despite the threats of never giving them company, ever. And then I realized, with twitter and facebook, my thoughts have learnt to become miniature versions of themselves and that I have little patience to sit and write a word or two about anything. There are stories that whisper themselves in my ears every now and then, those that are sweet, those that are horrific, those that are a work-in-progress. Yet, when I sit to string those words together, they refuse to form a coherent thought. Now, I sit on my bed, wondering what I can do, to open myself up. There was a time when writing was a solace. There was a time when reading was a comfort. There was a time, I could spring up a thought at my whim and go on about it. Currently, though, I see myself as a stranger whose purpose in life seems to be a mystery. Though there are paths unexplored, though there are venues that require attention, I seem to be caught up in a current that has no direction. I wish that things are different, I wish that there is something more I could do, with myself and my life.

A Pillion Rider Thoughts

As a pillion rider, sometimes I have a lot of time to think, particularly when on roads with heavy traffic or long drives with time constraint. Today, on one such ride, I had time to munch on quite a few thoughts –the then deserted streets, the narrow roads, the bicycle rides and the now busy and wide roads, the myriad cars that continue to stream down the lane. I thought about the millions of bucks spent on the air-conditioned offices, the infrastructure, logistics, support staff, security, training, the amount spent on college funds, the amount spent on roads for improving the public transport to the roads that were unheard of a few years ago. I kept thinking, for all the justified reasons (yes, justified), how much of that money is spent wasted when that paid time is not used effectively. Am I the only one thinking like this, or are there many others who think that? I am talking about the over-paid employees with little satisfaction in the job they do and countless hours spent on (arguably) personal work during paid hours.

A need for a miracle...

I decided to not jot down my thoughts, they seemed trivial. Sometimes I think, I jump from one tree to another, forever restless, forever absorbed and forever obsessed with whatever fancies me at that moment. Is that a crime? Is that not what one's mind should do? Mind being a monkey at free will, does a mad dash at the first sight of color, but, I feel like putting a boundary to my thoughts today. I am afraid that they might run amok with all the madness that is going on around the world. That is right, the crisis across a continent seems to disturb me beyond reason. I keep thinking, we could be next- any natural calamity unleashed on us has no mercy, for we have been cruel to her and to expect her to be kind to us does not cut a bargain. With tides running havoc, the fire being feisty, the earth trembling in equal bursts of mirth and fury - we can only do so much.

Though the Tsunami hit Japan is the one that started this inner turmoil, it goes deeper than that. It is the reason why I have been hiding - it matters little, these thoughts. Nothing matters, really. I keep fighting this urge in me to become a saint, for I can honestly not be one. But I also keep fighting the urge to be a philanthropist. Two completely extreme emotions running in my mind- one pushes me to open up to people, while one shuns me into my own world. In that little world, I keep urging myself for some redemption. For some sanity. For something to hold on to. To fight and to keep fighting, to live, to focus and to be passionate. Yet, I seem to scoff at the very idea of being passionate and sane.

Letting aside my thoughts, I hope that the nation that stunned everyone to admiration with its miraculous recovery from the world war 2, will find its feet together, with the helping hands from all the people from across the globe. While the emotional trauma of loss of lives is something that has to be lived with, the economical debacle, with the support of the fellow nations should be rectified, if not contained. Ofcourse, at this point of time, more than the value for economy, it is the value of the lives of people who are injured, exposed to the radio-active rays that is of concern. The nuclear reactor blasts are a continuous threat to the people in the vicinity of impact. I don't know what can be done about that, but I am sure that the capable minds are looking into the options, while I fill myself up with the physics of nuclear reactors, which by the minute is turning out to be alarming and depressing!

My positive thoughts are with the nation…

Redemption

Forgiveness is divine, so goes the saying. I am not a forgiving person. I hardly ever forgive or forget. So eventually, I end up being lonely, because no one, including myself can ever live upto the high standards that I seem to aspire for. I cannot obviously, not live with myself, but rest all, who have been part of my life, who are part of my life have a tough time, when understanding why I am suddenly so cold or distant. But I cannot help that nature of mine. I take time to accept people into my life. I take time to trust someone. It is easy to break your heart, when unwanted people enter it and I don’t cope well with heart break. No one ever does. So, I am conscious. A friend of mine, once said, that I accept people too easily. That was way back, when I was fourteen. But I was not wrong then, my instinct has been right about her and we still are friends. The journey has not been easy with her, but we managed to walk for over ten years together.

I came a long way since the first time I heard that I accept people easily. I am sometimes hesitant about people, sometimes defensive and sometimes unkind. I have had all sorts of experience and however we try, sometimes, hearts must be broken. And when that happens, there is nothing much to do, except be broken and let the hurt sweep you all over and one day, when it is tired, it can help you catch your breath and you can start living again. That is just how it is. The glorified path of hurt only making you stronger, does not really work. Not really. There are no paths from pain. Except a deep tidal wave that engulfs you in a black hole. It will settle when it can and until then, you just have to deal with it. Of course, after that comes a better place and that is the happy place. I have had a share of my happy times too. The thing is, I have always been an introvert, with limited set of friends. Friends are not someone I take lightly nor do I call everyone a friend, just because I spoke to them a couple of times. Some people do that. So, I have to say explicitly, I do not say the word friend, lightly. And when I say a friend, all the shackles of self-defense are lost. Did I make wrong choices when I called people friends? Over the past few years, I have had my trust broken a million times and the people who should have been friends betrayed me. SO, yes, I made wrong choices. I made wrong choices and I paid for them, which made me even more choosy and set the bar that bit higher, so I would not be hurt. In this process, I lost confidence in a lot of people, people I care and love. And I did not make amends to fix whatever it is that pushed me away from them. Also along the line, I realized, I have not been a good friend either. I have lied by omission, which means I broke a trust. I have seen a friend go astray, which means I broke a promise. I have let a friend suffer alone, which means, I have not been there. I have let a friend take baby steps ahead and did not stand there, to witness it, which means I have not shared an important moment of his life. I have not indulged in a friend’s fantasy, I have been too uptight, which means, I have let myself be more important than that friend. I have not participated in friend of friend’s conversation, for I felt uncomfortable and out of place, which means, I have not had the chance to get to know the people who are important to him/her. I have put myself above others, which means, I cannot be a friend. Can I? When I feel such, why should I try to demolish the walls I constructed around myself? Am I not better alone, than be this selfish person?

I have realized, I have come a long way in life, but, I have just begun this journey. And as I evade past the choices I have, I realized, I have become someone who I should not be. I should perhaps try and fix the broken bridges and smooth the creases, yet, I realize, I cannot do any of those, for I honestly do not care for few and I cannot resurrect what has never been, in a few cases and few, I just am too ashamed to go back. I do not have the strength in me to forgive myself. And I also do not have the strength to forget. But I do have the strength to ask for redemption, of all the people, who have ever seen me as a friend and who have had the misfortune of being my friend. I am sorry, for being the person I have been.

So where do I go now? I ask this question of myself, over and over again.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating……..

And I don’t want to be anyone other than what I have been trying to be lately…

Welcome to Reality!

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

--------------------------------------------

 
“These last few years have been the best, in my life. Waking up every day, because, for once, the reality is far better than the dreams, because of you. And the sleepless nights have been a bliss, thinking about you, whispering your words over and over, again and again, waiting for the night to be over, just to look at you the next morning. To see you smile, to know that I caused that smile, to feel it in my heart, that fond glow that embraces me. You are one person, who made all the difference in my life. And today, is the best day in my life. Watching you work for that dream has been a mangled expression of awe and pain. Though this means that it would push you half way across the world, knowing that you are pursuing your dreams and knowing that you are happy, will help me get through the days. You know, even though I am alone, there is this another person inside me, the person who is insanely in love with you. She remembers every second of the last few years. The distance matters little, when every nerve in her body screams your name and every time your name pops up, she is this glowing person who is very proud of you. She fully intends to give me company, so don’t you worry about me at all”, she said to her most favorite person in this whole wide world and the only person in her world.

He looked at the happiness on her face, wondering if anything he ever did will ever shatter that pride he heard in her voice, when she spoke his name. He endured the months of desperation and succeeded, thanks to her unwavering belief and today, when those dreams are this close to becoming a reality, he was torn between happiness and despair. He just took one step towards the dream and already, the past threatened to fade away. Clinging to the past would mean that the dream would remain a dream and pushing the past away, means that the reality will drown him. Past, he said that word over and over in his head. Every time he said that word, it was like a knife stab through his heart. The significance of that stab is not lost on him.

“Thank you, for everything”, he said, with an emotion that was too difficult to put in words.

She looked at him for a long time, wondering if something was wrong. She was lost in the moment of his glory, that she failed to notice the trepidation in his eyes. She could not explain the dread in her heart, yet, she knew that this day, she would not forget.

“What is it? Are you worried about us?”, she asked. He continued to look at her, unsure how to respond.
“We are going to be OK. We will work something out. Don’t worry”, she said, moving closer to him.

He stepped back. She stopped, taken aback. She looked at him, with comprehension in her eyes. “It’s over, isn’t it?”, she asked, with calm conviction.
He took a step closer to her. She stepped back and turned around. The ensuring silence deafening in her ears. For one moment, the world came crashing down on her. Was it a moment ago that she said that reality was too good to be in a dream. She has been wrong all along. She lived in a dream, seeing what she thought she saw. Because only in dreams, she was happy. She chased those dreams and the reality crept up on her. And now, the swallowing darkness has no light from any corner, to show a path. The darkness is much harsher, when the light that sparkled in that path extinguished. He was the light in the path she pursued.

She turned around. “Why?”, she asked and the whisper made that question a raging tornado in his heart. He looked at the emptiness in her eyes and he had no words to say, no words that would shun out the emptiness. He took another step closer to her. She stood looking at him.

“I’m sorry”, was all he could muster. She stood there, for a few more moments, trying to make sense of those words. Sorry for what? Sorry for taking away the life line? Sorry for inflicting the pain she never thought was possible? And he had the gall to stand there and look worried and hurt? She looked at him longer, anger creeping in. How dare he be sorry for her? How dare he threaten to feel sorry for the one thing that meant everything to her? How dare he, to take away the rationale in her pain? The pain that seems to be the only reality of her life, from now!

“Do you like to see me in pain?”, she asked with a tormented voice.
“No. No. No, that is not what I want. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want …”, he lost his train of thought at the expression on her face.
“Watch me learn to forget you”, she said and stormed out of the room, leaving him stunned.

He looked at her retreating back, knowing full well that he destroyed something very pure and sacred and he would be marred for the rest of his life in search of that sacred thing. He sighed. He underestimated her pain when he agreed that it was over and her words “Watch me forget you” did kill him. Unlearning an emotion is not an easy thing. For unlearning, she has to feel the emotion, relive it and then strip it inch by inch by inch, dying a thousand times and there is no guarantee that she would ever succeed and honestly, does he want her to do that? Does he want her to forget him? Does he want her to erase the best part of his life to nothingness? Does he want to be erased from her life? “Hell no”, he thought. Yet he would not do anything, not when there are his dreams that are at stake.

“Congratulations! You just took the first step towards your soul destruction. There, you see that? That girl was the best ever thing that happened to you and you think that your dream has any meaning without her? You will find out soon enough. Just when you find out, be sure to have a well padded body, for when you fall flat, you need some cushioning to take the pain”, his conscience mocked him. Just like that, the start of a wonderful life looked turbulent. Just like that, he stripped apart a life to pieces and he intends to construct his dream on the shattered pieces.

She walked out of the house and started walking to no where in particular. She could hear nothing and she could see nothing. The monotonous foot after foot took her in some direction, the road disappearing beneath her and suddenly she felt air whoosh past her, a truck barely missing her. She stood stock still and looked around. She was standing in the middle of a road with vehicles moving past her. She could hear the voices all around her.
“Mommy, ice cream” she heard some kid speak.
“Are you out of your mind? Move lady”, she heard someone yell.
HONK HONK… she looked around once more and started moving. Life moves on, every one else’s life moves on, except hers, for now! For now, her life has no meaning, no direction, no purpose, yet she has to move on and get on with life. She smiled sardonically.

“Welcome to the reality! For what its worth, your dream was great”, her conscience mocked!

... trying to be less lonesome

Realizing that there is no guarantee for the next second of life, we still hunt around for dreams, walk down the paths – sometimes alone and sometimes in company of people we cherish, yet, never stop and ponder, if we bothered to do the right things and say the right words at the right moment. What if, there is someone out there, screaming for your help in their dreams? What if there is someone out there, who perhaps is wondering the same thought that you are having at this instant? What if, your loved one has received the most coveted achievement of his life and is gloating in happiness for the feeling to sink in and is planning on how to tell you about it, while you are down in a dump not having the heart to feel the happiness? What if you are the most significant person in someone else’s life and don’t even know it? What if, no one ever told you that they love you and you would never know if you have been loved? When we are running around for success, chasing the dreams that are significant, sometimes, the people who cast those dreams for us, seem nowhere in sight. The people who are part of that dream seem unimportant. People who share those dreams are unimportant. “I” being the most prolific of expressions, “I” takes over “us”. And suddenly, everything else seems insignificant. The satisfaction of the crowning victory of the dream seems to be the only thing that matters. At that stellar achievement, is there no one who comes to mind, who would share that happiness with you? Who believed in your dreams and in you? If the answer to that question is “no”, then the achievement is just trash. We all need someone, ONE person, at least, who believes in us. But, finding that someone is the key. “We are lonesome animals. We spend all our life trying to be less lonesome.”

We meet people along the way of life. Few become the stalwarts whose presence makes a significant impact. Few relations lead to conflicting emotions of love and affection. Few become the star performers in the dreams. Few are mere obstacles. Few are part of life, yet insignificant. Few are not part of life, yet are significant. Essentially, people play role that steers the wheel of life. Words are spoken, thoughts exchanged, promises said out loud, vows exchanged, all of which form a time capsule. And I cannot help but wonder, how many of these incidents have a ring of truth to them. Like, if there ever was a meaning to: “I will be there for you, always, forever. Remember that!” or “I love you” or “I miss you”? I keep thinking, sometimes, in the heat of the moment there are a lot of words exchanged. Some are good, some are bad, but how many are the truth? Eventually, as the tide turns, silence rules the world, even between the thickest of the companions. If words become a lie, the “companionable silence” eventually makes it worse. Have you ever wondered, when the companionable silence becomes silence? Where even the whispers of the inner voice can become screams of pleasure or pain? It just creeps up on you, like old age, never sounding a horn at its arrival, just the glaring obvious truth in the deafening silence. And is the journey back to companionable silence hard? Is there a journey back? Back to the time where the words roll off the tongue, even with the intention of fully falsifying them in the future? Back to where silence is more of a comfort than of an insult or prejudice?

When the dusk sets in on life, there is time to wallow in thoughts. There is time, period. That is when, the hard questions of life start making an appearance. When young and blood runs through veins and muscles seem strong to move mountains and the world is at your mercy, there is no time for thoughts. But when, the wrinkled body withers further, for every strong move of the wind, at that instant, who is your companion? Who is your alter ego? Who is the reason for your smile? Who is the wind beneath your wings? When the good and the bad pass through the eyes, can you withstand the phase without regret? What about the moments where you missed out on saying out loud about how much you care about someone? Will you regret them? will the stellar achievements hold any meaning? Will the anger towards someone hold any meaning? When the end approaches like a whistle, shrieking loud enough to wake the dead or steal your soul, will you be content or will you harbor regrets that push you to hell? These are hard questions for someone who wants to be less lonesome and there is never a right time to find answers to these!

"It seems to me that, if you or I must choose between two courses of thought or action, we should remember our dying and try so to live that our death brings no pleasure to the world." – John Steinback
Every day, we move closer and every day we move further away. We move closer to the end and we move further and further away from the clear water. The murkiness of the future gets thicker and thicker. Every day! Perhaps it is time to think of a way to live life, if it is a life that is a harbinger of doom at dusk or a recipe for content.

One tree Hill and ...

One tree hill became my latest addiction and when I started going through what is available online, my favourite character, Lucas Scott, played by Chad Michael Murray is no longer going to play in this soap, from Season 7 and it is a heart break for me and I am not really sure if I want to watch the season any more. The love that lasted tough times between Nathan and Haley might push me to perhaps catch an occasional episode, but for some reason, it just is not the same any more. This particular TV drama had me aching for the characters from the episode one. Leaving out the melodrama and the unspeakable story lines of few episodes, the voiceovers that quote from classics sometimes, leave me sleepless through the night. The plot evolves the characters decently, but rather sketchily for my taste. The byplays between characters is sometimes brilliant and sometimes rather sad. But, I enjoyed scripts that revolved around the sports, for they are a source of an inspiration. Watching a sports person’s career is like watching life in a capsule – the trysts, the disappointments, the choices, the hardships, the success, the failures, the fame, the attention and over all, the future that is forever changing and forever challenging and forever unknown. To see them succeed or give up or fail, is a lesson to one and all and when I started watching this, it was in the hope of finding an inspiration. But the show did not give me that, it just went on portraying the characters, sometimes disgustingly and sometimes brilliantly. Yet it stuck to me, as I wanted to know how these characters shall turn out as the life throws punch after punch. It also got me thinking about the life beyond the world I see.

I live in a world that is small and I see people with different perspectives. What choices made them who they are today? Are all the choices correct? Are they proud of those choices? Are the smiles behind their success true? Are the thoughts behind their words true? Are there hidden intensions behind every step forward? It is not easy to know anyone’s life but their own. And sometimes, I wonder, if I understand my life. The surrounding world has so many influencing factors that are not catered for, in the life plan. When I think of life ten years from now, I see a question mark. When I see it five years from now, I see a question mark. When I see it two years from now, I see a question mark. If I asked myself the same question, ten years ago, I would have dreamed of this day. And if I asked the same question, five years ago, even then, I would have said, I am still on course. Now that I ask this question, of myself, I go blank. It is like, one dream is realized beyond which there seems to be an emptiness I cannot handle. I try confronting the emptiness and I see nothing. I keep probing myself, pushing myself to dream about something else and I find myself lost in the nothingness. Sometimes in life, inspiration does not come from anything but oneself. Today, I seek inspiration from somewhere else. I try to see if there is one tiny ray of hope that shall pass me today, to perhaps push me in the right direction and I find myself disappointed. Not because I can’t find any outstanding achievements, just those achievements seem ordinary to me. Somewhere along the road, I lost the meaning of simplicity and somewhere along the road, I picked up a baggage that weighs me down and somewhere along the road, I forgot to stop and rest and stop thinking. Thought at some level intellectualizes everything. Like, relations. Too much thought and too little heart in a relation, just makes the relation cold. Like work. Too little thought spoils the growth, but no heart, makes one dissatisfied. There are no “for-sure” answers in life. And one has to find the answers to a lot of questions along the way. And along the way, perhaps, one has to realize that, it is not the answers to the questions that matter, but the questions themselves. Those questions mould the person into whatever they are. In search for the answers, they change their skin. Along the way, I also forgot the company of many people – parents, friends, well-wishers. Along the way, all lost the meaning, except solitude and questions. I still ask questions and have no one to answer. I still have people around me, just don’t really know if that should mean anything to me. It falls back to a thought I held close to my heart for a long time – “you are alone”. The thought of people in life, forever and till eternity just holds no meaning. When life is a question, what certainty can anyone give for forever?

The bonds shared by people sometimes just vanish, as though they never existed. The promises and words mean nothing but ash. All that is left is a bag full of questions and a heart that aches. At some point, the charade begins, where the smiles and affection becomes a fabricated exhibition rather than something that forms the core of everything. Along the way, there are no values that can be upheld, just a faint belief that echoes the certainty of truth, yet insufficient to hold any meaning. Along the way, there is no way forward, just a stop sign and an end.

A harsh reality.