I have been rather quiet. Rather unusual, when I seem to have a zillion thoughts running through me. Most of the time I end up writing, when I am stuck in a phase of life, but this time it seems like I am being a passive observer to the point where nothing seems to emit a reaction that would trigger some vitality through me.
Things important or unimportant ceased any meaning. Relations loving or hurting ceased any meaning. Friends present or absent ceased existing in the vicinity. I like to think I am being a saint, with no emotions or feelings, yet, I seem to be perturbed by the slightest trigger and have to constantly remind myself that it is not anyone’s fault that life sometimes is daunting. I would rather I could move on through this phase and leap through to another.
Relationships are a boon and a bane to life, I think. Some are fragile to the extent that they break at the slightest pull away. Some are strong but wither through the wear and tear of the pull. Some are stagnant that they make no progress either by pulling away or moving together. Yet, these relations seem important in life. What good are they if they haul you over coals? What good are they if they hurl you over fire? What good are they if they frost your life? What good are they if they suffocate you? I do not honestly know. I sometimes truly believe that being alone in a cave would cure my madness more than anything and sometimes I believe that living through them and enduring the rough patches makes me stronger. I am sure that either of the options is of least help.
I want to think of a time where there are no complex thoughts running in my head. I am having a hard time coming to a specific time frame of my life, even though I am not old, to think I have lived an awful lot of years to not remember the best of my life. I desperately want to hope that the best of my life is yet to come, but, I keep wondering if there is no comfort period that I want to reminisce about. It is alarming to not have a cushion to fall back on, when I cannot move forward. The shackles that hold me are more in my mind, perhaps.
I wish I could cast aside my notions of life, my dreams and accept life as it comes. I wish I do not have to battle my inner self all the time and move forward towards the life I want to live. I wish I could let go of all the reins I seem to hold and move away, carefree and into pastures of my choosing. Yet, there is this small voice inside of me that says, the pain I go through is a reminder that I care and love and those are not bad things. Yet, there is a selfish corner that says, shit happens, let go and move into oblivion. Yeah, oblivion seems a way forward, except it isn’t! I battle myself, yet again, to find a way from the rut I seem to land myself in and the more I think on these lines the more depressing it looks. Yet, I still stand to fight through the murk and keep fighting to claw my way forward. I might not alter fate or destiny, but I sure can fight tooth and nail, if it means I get to take a step forward. And I will.
