True reflection

These thoughts, I ask of them to just let me be. They push and probe, they pull and hold. I try to ponder on these incessant thoughts running through my mind. When I prod them long enough, I am caught staring at myself, in a room full of mirrors that show me a myriad of my reflections. Where am I? I try to find the real me, the reflection that should be me. But alas, I realize, I am seeing the different me, that each thought of mine portrays. Which thought is true? Which is false? In the search for my reflection, I study each of them, to help me understand - the cause behind them. Some thoughts, I say, are difficult to fathom. They rage maddeningly, whirling through a sandstorm, spiraling me out of control and when realization hits, that I am caught in a spiral, I force myself to calm down, to be still. In this constant struggle to be me and to be some version of me, I see myself losing the plot, becoming a chameleon that I don't want to be. I am still searching, still probing. Hopefully, some day, I can see the true reflection of me....

Brain Krans in his 'A Constant Suicide'  says:

"All I know is that I have no idea where I am right now. I feel like I am in training for something, making progress with every step I take. I fear standing still. It is my greatest weakness.

I talk big, but often don't follow through. That's my biggest problem. I don't even know what to think right now. It's about time I start to take a jump. Fuck starting to take. Just jump-over everything. Leap.

It's time to be aggressive. You've started to speak your mind, now keep going with it, but not with the intention of sparking controversy or picking a germane fight. Get your gloves on, it's time for rebirth. There IS no room for the nice guys in the history books.

THIS IS THE START OF A REVOLUTION. THE REVOLUTION IS YOUR LIFE. THE GOAL IS IMMORTALITY. LET'S LIVE, BABY. LET'S FEEL ALIVE AT ALL TIMES. TAKE NO PRISONERS. HOLD NO SOUL UNACCOUNTABLE, ESPECIALLY NOT YOUR OWN. IF SOMETHING DOESN'T HAPPEN, IT'S YOUR FAULT.

Make this moment your reckoning. Your head has been held under water for too long and now it is time to rise up and take your first true breath.

Do everything with exact calculation, nothing without meaning. Do not make careful your words, but make no excuses for what you say. Fuck em' all. Set a goal for everyday and never be tired."

Seems apt, for the state of my mind!!