There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. All this resentment at being chained is growing in me, to the extent where it threatens to consume me. When things are fine, all these feelings are in a back burner, but at the slightest ripple, all these feelings surface, as a bubbling tornado and every time its as though they never went away. I can feel the blood rumbling, I can feel my eyes threatening to overflow, I can feel the anger in me ready to engulf everything around me. Yet, yet, I need to hold everything in.
Life has to be simple, yet we complicate it, with people we surround ourselves with. I mean, even if we live on an island, we cannot really escape people, can we? Family, friends, relations, strangers - all are people, ready to pounce on us, rub their emotions on us and basically just willing to complicate our life. We cannot shut them out, nor can we let them in. Ask, talk, feel, shout, scream, wallow, cry - how many emotions and for what? Who gives a f**k about why we feel any of those feelings? Every one is in their own rat race, ready to climb up or down, ready to push us up or down or sideways. Its easy to pretend that its a beautiful summer morning after a long winter, ignoring the heat, yet its there, melting the ice in and around us.
Who defined these rules anyway? That we need a shoulder to lean on? That we need someone to trust? That we need happiness in life? That we cannot hold our tears in? That we should not make decisions when we are angry? That we should succumb to an apology? That sorry makes things alright? That smile makes everything better? That laughter is a medicine? Non sense! we are alone to fight our own battles, our own demons, that we alone must fight to win or to lose. No one, not mother nor father nor partner nor kids will share with us, this journey we call our life and that is the irony of our societal rules. We live with parents, with siblings, with family, with kids, yet, every time we turn around to seek comfort, we inevitably find ourselves alone. Yet, we need to rush for a relations need, that we miss our family when they are ten minutes away and we miss being us, when we sit in solitude. Why the hell do we force ourselves to feel for these emotions when they are not what we want to feel? Why?