Alternate path

So unfair to be frustrated on all the wrong reasons, but what would you do when you are forced to face the question that you dread as soon as you get out of the bed? Choices, decisions, life – all seem to stop for a moment, as though my answer has the power to influence the nature’s laws, as though saying a yes, would inevitably spin the world out of control and saying a no would put the world into a topsy turvy ride. Well, technically, my world, as it seems! Despite knowing that roads are blocked and that the only way to proceed further on that road seems to be by choosing an alternate path, it seems so difficult to turn my back, but also ridiculously foolish to stand and stare ahead and hoping some miracle would clear the space enough to move forward. But then, I am not a tiny ingrate, if I seem to count my baggage, I can easily weigh as much as a truck and wouldn’t it be a little exaggeration to hope for a miracle that shall blast all these boulders and create a way for me and my truck? Well, now since I do not believe in miracles, I will have to make do with unloading the cargo and carrying what is essential for this round trip and hopefully gather the essentials along the way! My so called cargo has so much of my past in it that I need not really worry about literally dumping all of it and just picking up a new path and proceeding barefoot. May be the amnesia might be rather difficult to cope, since I might not really understand the directions, but, what the heck, how different would it be anyway?

To somewhere.....

Sometimes and mostly, all the time, there is this sense of urgency, to reach somewhere. Somewhere is such a lucrative word, isn’t it? No committed endeavors forcing your pace and no envisioned dreams, pushing your adrenaline to an all time high. The bliss of that carelessness and the challenge of the unknown shifted the continuous momentum to a journey of locking horns with fate.

There is this sense of void, particularly since I am about to reach a destination, a stop in the flow. I am tuning myself to accept that stop, but the journey to that stop is filled with fond memories that are difficult to leave behind. The innocence that started the journey, to the ecstasy that seem to have rubbed off on me, as I experienced the thrill and facts of the fanciful ride, as the clouds shifted and the mist cleared and the sun simmered through, brought in a sense of joy and pride, with every step, forward and backward. The urge to explore myself and the sense of reality all bare, I suddenly found myself stripped naked through the inhibitions of a glorified target. The learning that began with an unlearning and the self discovery that pushed past the inhibitions moulded me to be a better professional and a better person. This phase, the core of me, is not a blazing inferno, just a warm fire that cozies my inner soul and lulls me to a sense of tranquillity and as the yellow sun turns mellow, I inch closer to feel the heat again. I need to raise the bar and push beyond these immediate boundaries, to step closer to a pinnacle that wilfully and whimsically eludes me. And thus, I begin my journey to a land unknown. There is this sense of void in me that is difficult to fathom. And as words elude me today, I can only hope that the journey forward shall be filled with challenges that shall mould me to better myself with every step I take.

When I started on this path a good four and half years ago, I was timid and shy. I remember walking through the gates and taking the test, waiting anxiously for the results to be out. The earlier half hearted attempts at finding a career all seemed to push me with a vengeance as I realized I cannot wallow in the excuse of selfishness. As I took the reins of my life in hand and asked of myself to make a decent attempt, the door seem to have opened and it was like life giving me a chance at redemption. As the rounds cleared and I walked into the office, my first day of my professional career, I was late on my first day, thanks to the beliefs of customs that asked me to step into the office at a certain hour!!! I remember having the HR induction and I was pointed at, out of the blue, asking me what my goal was. I remember saying, very timidly, “I want to be the best software engineer I can be”. The HR looked at the class and said, “That is such a simple statement, yet it speaks something about her. She said, she wants to be the best SHE CAN BE. A lot of promise in that statement.” I remember feeling extremely conscious, as I looked her in the eyes and firmly repeated to myself, “I will be.” Now, I don’t know if I seemed to have made any difference to the organization, but I can vouch confidently that I never slacked in my effort and the promises I made to myself, albeit with little hiccups, were fulfilled.

Now, I am taking another step forward. With the incomplete thoughts in my head, I need a little more than ambition to survive in the field. And I intend to do that. I intend to better myself and detach myself of the emotional involvement I seem to have had so far. That would be a difficult promise to keep, for I cannot put myself into something when my heart and mind are not in sync and when heart is involved, there is always an emotional commitment. One hand, it is not so bad, but sometimes, it could be a terrible lapse of judgement where I could make mistakes that could cost me opportunities and push me into despair of making fatal judgements. I cannot allow that to happen, which means, I need to allow myself to go back to my journal writing and do a retrospection with a discipline that requires a lot of self control and an immovable faith in my instincts. I intend to make this break count, to firm my resolve. I intend to make the decisions with choices I can live with and that comes with a price I suppose. For now, that is just something I need to accept and hope that the things would eventually fall into place. Just as every stop opens up more choices towards the destination chosen, every choice comes with certain bumps and since I have no way of knowing what turns await the bus I take, I intend to rather focus on the journey and enjoy the path and take it as it comes. So, good luck to me, as I move at a glacial pace towards the goals… or so it seems!!!