The Journey Begins

This is a continuation of the fiction under the label: Meghana

Continuation after this

They walked out of the airport, away from the modest crowd and to the cab stand. He moved past several and stopped at one. The cabby acknowledged him with a warm smile and took the trolley from his hands and they exchanged pleasantries while she stood beside them. Abhinav held the door open for her. She pondered a moment about his gesture, before giving up on trying to understand it and slid into the car. He closed the door softly and walked around the car and slid beside her. They sat as strangers, distant and respectful of each other’s space.

The cab moved out of the airport, onto the wide route that went uphill. They took a right at the fork and the road dwindled into a curvy path. The pastures, green and picturesque formed the boundary of the road, as the car moved at a steady pace. There was no music, just the quiet roll of the car on a bump free road. The cabby did not speed even on the empty road, as though, he wanted them to enjoy the refreshing scenery on either side. Meg gazed outside, at the sheep and the cows, grazing lazily in the pastures, oblivious to her stare. She plugged in her iPod and kept it at a full volume, the loud boom of metal in contrast to the serenity of the outside nature. She felt that way, the inner turmoil at the onset of this journey and her outward calmness against her throbbing heart. Occasionally, the cab passed a few people, who peeked into the car with curious faces, with little success as the tinted glasses obstructed their view and stared at it until it passed them. Steadily the car progressed further. Not for once did she dare to look at her husband, afraid that the calculated serenity of her face would be washed away by his resilience.

Abhinav continued to familiarize himself with his wife, picking up the subtle hints from her body language. The rock band music reached his ears from her iPod and he pondered over her choice. She did not come out as a person who listened to hard metal. Her words and movements were quite nimble, for such wild music. So many questions, so much to talk, but she is weary of opening up, he mused. He could understand that. They have a lifetime to understand each other and he has a ton of patience. They would know each other and each discovery about each other would be like unwrapping a gift– the gift, would be a cause of joy, though the gift itself might sometimes be disappointing. But, still, that does not undermine the thrill of discovering it. He is familiar with the surroundings because of the long solitary hours he spent there, away from the noise and the tensions that came with a hectic life. He felt that they need familiar and comfortable surroundings to deal with themselves, rather than more exotic places that would have been an obvious choice. They would come later, perhaps after a few years of mutual companionship.
He saw this journey is an onset towards the beginning of the most amazing journey in his life. The first time he saw her in the photo given by his parents, was a moment to reckon. He felt right about the girl. He took a couple of days to research on the net – what with the networking being so popular. He dug around a little, read through the vast material he found on the sites. His wife is very articulate, very aggressive, very opinionated and above all, very practical. What he planned might come out as gestures that belong to a different century, but he would rather have her questioning the practicality in emotional relations, than have her thinking that he does not care for her. The thing about practicality is that, it can come off as being callous. There is a time for practicality and then, there is time for love, for allowing the emotions to flow. If not for the person you vow to share the rest of your life, the ups and downs, the tears and laughs, with whom, can you open your emotional side? If there has to be secrets, even in emotions, then it would not be much of a relation. He was overwhelmed with an emotion at the sudden realization that the person next to him would play an instrumental role in his success or failure and would be the beacon of light to his journey in this world, just as he would be to her. But, being the woman in the family, the emotional burden she shared would be far greater and his support to her, would be significant. He grew up to the bond shared by his parents and watched his sister’s married life. Neither was perfect, far from it. He reflected on their relationships.

The difference between his parents marital relationship to that of his sister’s was that, the guys in the relation differed in their outlook. While his father was stronger, with lesser ego. he gave his mother, all the support she needed, but always knew about her life, her choices, her pressures, the things in the family and he was never out of the decisions that were part of her life, trivial or otherwise. He let her professional life be, supporting her where required and encouraging her to pursue the goals, but in their family life, he had a say in everything and supported her in everything.

On the other hand, his brother-in-law wore his ego on his sleeve and left his sister emotionally drained out. The problem with practicality is that. His sister’s relation, on the outset looks perfect. The guy is willing to give her space to explore her needs and interests, thereby divulging himself from the things that matter to her which lead to more lone time. He takes little interest in finding why she likes what she likes or in accompanying her to the activities she is interested in, because he is not interested in those activities and has little patience with them. His practicality did not ask him to make an effort to share those activities to be a part of them, so that they could spend time together. He has no interests or hobbies. He is the sort of a guy, who rides a bike to meet his friends or watches TV to get over his boredom or spends too much time in office, trying to be good at what he does. The guy allows her to visit her parents when she feels like it, conveniently drops her off and goes his way, more lone time. He takes her to movies or somewhere out, but those actions happen only when initiated by him. If his sister did ask for an outing, he would say a ‘yes’ and would put it off, till the last moment, when his sister would just get frustrated and go out on her own, to cool her mind. And when she returns, he just gets on with the day. No apology, no questions asked and no ‘discussion’ from either of them. Both were working and their morning routine was a nightmare. She cooks for both of them, with little help from him and if there were any relatives, the pressure of cooking breakfast and lunch and manage a word or two with them in the morning seemed to be too stressing for his sister. His in-law was brought up with a silver spoon in his mouth and a mother who was more than happy to do the cooking for an army, so perhaps he never understood the nuances of a working woman. Everyone requires an emotional outlet, a person to talk to, a person to trust. His sister is quite eloquent in terms of expressing herself, her tastes, her interest, her wishes, unlike her counterpart – her husband, who does not open up much, prefers to let things slide as long as he gets his life running smooth. For some reason, he was the chosen person for her sister and she being the obedient daughter, accepted the proposal without any discussion. Looking at her suffer sometimes, through the emotional stress of not knowing what to do or how to communicate to a wall or how to accept the warmth that was sometimes bestowed by her husband, he ached for her. Looking at her feel the hot and cold, and shrivel like a withered leaf, made him detach himself from his in-law. He could still hear her words:

“How can he be so detached Abhi? I am his wife, right? I expect him to do certain things for me. I expect him to help me through the mundane chores. I expect him to consult me before making the decisions, not after completing them and then informing me. Do you know Abhi, not once, did I meet his friends. Not once, did he act upon my request. Not once, did he say an immediate yes. Not once, did he offer help in doing the household work. Not once, did he offer to pick me up from the office. Not once, did he offer to drop me to office. Not once, did he ask if I needed anything. Not once, did he ask if I am alright. Not once, did he make me something, when I was sick. Not once, did he offer to massage my head or feet. Not once, did he ask if I want to have dinner outside. And we are married for four years now. I feel like I am dead inside. I live for the sake of living. That is not me, right? I tried telling him that his behavior is not allowing me to grow. That it is spoiling my core, yet, he does not understand. We stayed here for a month, to let him see the dance of our parents, the beauty of a relation, the beauty of husband and wife and the beauty of a family. Still, he does not understand. He is not incapable of emotions, he sometimes is nice. He sometimes surprises me with a quick peck at the most unexpected moments. He sometimes surprises me by booking an occasional movie ticket. He sometimes brings me flowers. He sometimes gives me gifts. Sometimes gives me chocolates. He sometimes tries to get me talking, but he does not succeed and gives up too fast. You know what, the flowers, the candy, the gifts, are overrated in relations. The best thing you can give someone you love is the time and the warmth of words. That improves the connectedness. Rest all are secondary. Perhaps, because I get those, I think that those are secondary. I am not sure. I am essentially a creature who needs to communicate, through words, not assume things. That makes me sound emotionally dependent, right? Is that wrong? To feel dependent on the one person you are supposed to be dependent? The ‘better-half’ is the one, who is better than you and gets the best out of you and shows that to the world. Hides your qualms in his heart and pushes you through? I am not sure if my expectations are too high. I miss being able to talk to a person. I miss being able to communicate without the need to be hesitant. I miss being open about my emotions. I miss being me, terribly. I can’t even have kids, because I am unable to relax. I am being torn from one extreme to another, most of the time. Who would understand that? Who would think that, may be the girl is not happy? I put up a farce and he does not see through it. He still does not understand. He does not even make an effort to make things work. I am not even sure he understands that the relationship is sinking, that it is not going to last long. I feel sick every time I think of myself and I only see two alternatives. I either will roll myself into a pit and bury myself there or will get away from him and this society and make my peace with my life. I am not sure how Mom and Dad would take these things, but you understand, don’t you?”

She was trembling before him and he could do nothing. He felt like shaking his brother-in-law and talk some sense into him. But what can he say? That he is not treating his sister well? These were emotional issues, the soft issues, that are at the core of the person. The care, the warmth, the protection, the security, all are from the core. His core is incapable of generating this light, plain and simple. A person who cannot understand his wife even after four years of companionship, cannot understand the subtle hints, he thought. So, he was left with nothing. All he could do was embrace her into a hug and let her weep. He could not even offer any comfort words. He could not even ask her to get out of this relation. Sex is more about emotions that about physical comfort. He understood, long ago, the emotional imbalance of their relation and he knew it in his heart, before his sister even confessed that much. It should have been crucifying her, to have to confess to her kid brother about this. She is the one who protected him, shielded him, being five years elder to him. Since his teen-age, he has been her comfort shoulder, through the trials that she went through, the twin devil who argued against her every time she has had a conflict, giving her the other side of the coin, reasoning or sometimes ordering her to do things differently. They argued about anything and everything, yet remained best of friends through the times. He rushed to her, the first time he had conflicting emotions about girls. He rushed to her, sometimes, to just understand why girls behave the way they do. His mother has grilled in him, the manners to court a girl, but it was his sister who taught him the subtle art of understanding the silent signals through body language. It became an invaluable addition to his skills, that made him one of the best in the industry. Being tech-savvy means that the soft skills are a toss, mostly. But, his soft skills were natural to him, the result of the training by his family. And that day, his sister required him to be strong for her. He did not patronize her, he just absorbed the burden. That was almost six years ago. His sister’s relation progressed to ten years and she still is unhappy and is almost a glaring reflection of a martyr. His in-law is another reflection of a loner, yet they still live under a roof in separate rooms! His sister stopped talking about her relation with her husband. She took the reins of her life and fought back hard. She drew a taut circle around the emotional life and let the emotional storm continue its tornado in that circle, while she reached the heights she set her eyes on. She let the rotten core of her in one corner and made peace with her expectations of marriage and let her husband be. She continues to be a friend to her husband, yet has carefully locked him out of her emotional needs.

Abhi thought about the time when he questioned her about her obvious detachment. “I did not realize it was obvious. He did not realize it, yet. By the time it happens, it would be too late, Abhi”, she said. The choke stuck in his throat and his sister barely acknowledged it. “You know that I am still your best friend. You could talk to me, if that helps?”, he said.

“I am happy Abhi. I have always been a loner. I took strength and pain from my own thoughts. Not from anyone else. I will be alright. Don’t worry about me. I know you are my friend, dear brother, just as I am yours. Don’t think you will have to shut up about your love or life with your wife, I would be more than happy to listen, if you need someone to hear you out.” How quickly did she turn that around to him? How quickly had she dismissed him with a warm smile? How quickly did she close up? His sister’s life has been an example to him. A reflection upon the insensitivity of people.

On the other hand, he was brought up by a working mother and so was his sister. They grew up to see their father sharing equal burden along with their mother. They both took rest or they both were doing the chores, inside and outside the house. If she was cooking, he would cut the vegetables or he would clean around the house, placing things in their proper places. They worked out a routine, sometimes he took the kitchen and she would work around the house. They each altered between watching him and his sister, through their studies. His father never once took a decision without ever consulting her and the same was reciprocated to him by his mother. She was by no means a door mat, she was independent, the head of a firm and took decisions that influence over few thousands of people, yet, when she is home, she is a mother and a wife and respected his father. His father, has his own firm and every day he takes decisions that influence companies that span continents, yet, when he is home, he is a husband and a father. His first priority has been his wife and then his kids. His first priority has been his wife, period. It looked like they never were apart and cherished each other’s company, though that was far from the truth. They had tiffs, like every couple, but, they worked it out. Fought and argued and stood on their feet, yet, one of them always compromised by the end of the day. Mostly, it would be his father. He smiled at that thought. But they did teach him an important lesson, that a relationship needs work. While he cannot be like his in-law, he cannot completely echo his father. He needs to create his own style and work out what would work for them. And as far as he is concerned, he is willing to put all his effort, in making this relation work. He was willing to play her game for the time being, to let her be in her own mind, work out the emotions. But, her time would be up when they reached the resort. She will have to open up to him. Patience, that is the only mantra, he thought.

“I intend to fit in his life as inconveniently as possible. I wish to be invisible”, he recollected her words from her post. He smiled at those words. The first time he read that, he was worried that she was unhappy about the marriage. His thoughts ranged from anger to hurt to worry. With discreet inquiries, he sighed in relief that she does not have a broken heart. When he asked her, if she was happy about the marriage, she responded, to his surprise, a little honestly.

“ I admit to be a bit nervous. I never had a reason to share my space with anyone. I am just worried if I have the necessary equipment to deal with that ordeal, now”, she said.

“Well, she just has to deal with it now”, he thought. In the battle of wills, he is the strongest, knowing the field of the game. But she has a few surprises packed up her sleeve and that would bring in the necessary spice to this game. He recollected the kiss on his cheek, infront of all his relatives and her blush. He would never forget that. He looked at her, the feeling of warmth already in his blood.