Good Deed

I did a good deed today. Perhaps allowed someone some peace of mind. There are a few people in this world, who require knowledge. There is nothing wrong with such people, as they want to expand their knowledge and assisting them in anyway can only be good, right? So I did the good deed of expanding some fern minded intelligence to that of a tea-spoon. Well, no one can say I am bad! So what is the knowledge that I have imparted? Well, it is about me! Right! Knowing about me is quintessential to a few people and they might not really sleep in the nights, if they cannot know things about me and I did them all a favor and let them know the truth about me, from the only reliable source in this whole wide world and that is me! Now, I am not so sure why that is important, but, it is important for their sanity. Why take the curse of someone’s insanity? So, I gave them the fruit of their labour. Another thing about me is that, when I do not want to lend information, I can be such an obtuse person. I can make the conversation very one-sided and I can also make remarks that last long. Nothing that would cut through the lungs of someone (oh, I can do that too. Anyone who knows me will tell you that, I have a tongue that is like a double edged sword, can either cut you or kill you, depends on what I want to do, ofcourse), just enough to stop the discussion from going forward. And sometimes, if I feel like it, if the person is persistent, I try and accommodate myself to answer to the best of my knowledge and tell the truth, (just in case I want a chance at denial, I know what my story is… evil conniver that I am) and let the chips fall in place for further discussion. Ofcourse, I reserve the right to respond to the leading questions and once in a while, I will be in a mood to answer those questions too! Today is one such day, where, the morose me wanted some cheer. After all, its new year around the corner and it is important that I bring cheer to people, right? So, today, I was caught up by a person requesting my life story. Ah, here is the twist though, I am a nobody. I mean, perhaps to a few, I am somebody, but face it, I am not a hot shot personality that is news, not even the classified news! So, why would anyone want to know my life story? Well, there are people who believe that knowing someone else’s life is knowledge and one such person required the information. Instead of listening to second hand junk, I spared a moment and told the truth. Then came the leading questions and well, I answered few and left few in some Schrodinger’s state. And you know what? It felt good. For, I smiled. Now, what kind of an egotist am I, if I tell the truth about myself with a straight face? So, I smiled and it did me good too.

Reliving the fond memories even for someone you could care less, does bring a smile and cheer to your heart. Not saying that one’s life is a public display, but, what bad can come out of a good memory, apart from it being told in perhaps prejudiced way, perhaps for one’s own voyeuristic gratification? Well, rumours fly in the same way too. So, I cannot forever hang in a cocoon, afraid that the breaking it open would eventually be a mistake! So, I broke the cocoon and it felt good, this freedom.

For all those who read novels, I have no mystery. I have no secret vendettas. I have no hidden communications in the closet nor do I have any mystery codes delivered in the newspaper nor do I have an underground laboratory that believes in aliens, where I listen to signals from Mars! I am a girl next door, who minds her own business and does not honestly care, if the neighbour next door has a cat or a dog or a late night visitor. I am a person who can try being a friend(unsuccessfully) once in a while. I am a person with an underpaid job and over ambitious dreams. In short, I am like everyone around me! So, wonder why it is important? Well, if only I had a penny for the curiosity of every person around me!! SIGH!

Pain and pleasure

Missing you does not even begin to cover the hole in me. As time passes, these things should be easy. To let go, knowing that you would return, yet, letting go has always been a problem for me. Every time I let go, I have this feeling of being stranded in the middle of no where. Lost, that is how it feels. Lost my way and stuttering around in the dark, opening myself up for a pit or rock, not knowing what would embrace me and if I have enough strength to withstand that.

As the journey unwound today at a speed of 120, the intermittent red lights screaming at me to not look further down the lane, my heart raced abreast with the road, curling its way to the airport, the parched throat reminding me of a painful adieu. While I tossed and turned around, unable to get my mind around the numbness when I realized that the pain is just round the corner, waiting to grab my throat, I wondered if you felt the same way about this. If you could feel the distance that seems to forever hover around us, if you could begin to understand how complex a thought is running through my head, those thoughts that made me from a sparkling light to a defused bulb. The bitter sweet pain of the love I feel when you are around, when you hold me and smother me senseless, oh, how can I comprehend this emptiness? How can I withstand this queasy feeling of being choked by love?

Sitting here, in the chair, not so long ago, occupied by you, typing the letters which form words, words that are tortured to form a coherent meaning. My eyes blur all of a sudden and I wipe them away, angry at myself for being weak, I look around the room, the haphazard array of blanket thrown on the bed, knowing that I will wrap myself around in that blanket, hoping that the comfort of your scent shall offer me solace, hoping that the warmth of the blanket shall engulf me into your arms that have been the most coveted position I ever achieved, hoping that the ruffles on the pillow cover shall fill my head with your thoughts and put me to a slumber free of dreams…

Distance has always caught up on us. Is it a choice or a chance? Together we atone, for the choices we make in life, but, being alone we atone the choice of being together. Is it worth it?

I will miss you…

Sweet December

There is something about December that brings in a sense of joy to me. Typically, December month releases movies full of snowfall, romance, vibrant color, fantastic fireworks, lilting music and exuberance. I love the snowfall, I love the colors in the air, I love the work in office – loaded and full-on pressure, I love the hope that comes with the new year being around the corner, promising something new and fantastic and ofcourse, the end of season sales and festive offers. I love the decors in the malls, I love the displays on the windows and the late night strolls on the walkways of the brightly lit stores. The smiles dance on the corners of the lips and a joy springs into the heart at the sight of beautiful dresses and lovely weather.

And ofcourse, today I have all those reasons and more. My heart literally sings at the very thought and the smile cannot be rubbed off my face today. Tense all around, yet my heart swirls in a dance, composing its own tune as it moves around. I cannot wait for tomorrow and yet, I do not wish for the day to pass on quickly. There is a beauty to a sweet anticipation, there is a beauty in enduring the constant tick of the clock, knowing that every tick brings me closer to the moment.

I am happy!