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I will find a way...

I am not in the right frame of mind, at this very moment. My body is weak, my defenses are low, physically, I am exhausted and mentally, I don't seem to have the strength to wake up the next day. When I sleep, I wonder if I can wake up tomorrow and more importantly, if I want to wake up tomorrow. When I wake up, I wonder how I intend to get through the day and when the night befalls, I am thankful for the days closure. It is easy to give up, to close my eyes to the world and let myself wallow. And because it is easy, I need to fight, to push. I am trying, but for one moment, just one moment, I want to succumb, to weep, to mourn. Yet, I cannot seem to find that solace that grants me that freedom of expression. A good cry may help, but that is not my way. I cannot seem to find tears for pain that cuts too deep. I cry for silly things, I cry when I am angry, but when my heart feels like it is about to rip itself out, how can few tears assuage its feeling? Tears cannot make me forget, that moment of joy. And the pain I feel, cannot help me climb the boulder that is planted in the midst of my path. Yet, I need to find a way. I need to overcome the grief that wants to push me beneath. I need to find a way around it.

Grief is such a funny thing. It disappears in company, it wanders down the street when you are focused on something, it buries itself under a blanket when you take a nap, it sits on a chair with its reading glasses when you are working... it bides its time and comes back with a whip, ready to lash at you and even though you are prepared, the pain is just unbearable. How can it not be? You ignored it for the  better part of the day and it wants its vengeance. And just like a trained body, you get used to the ache and that is when it starts to numb. And until that moment, one just has to cope. And I am trying. A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to one of my colleague giving a passionate dialogue of living in the moment. For a moment there, I wondered, how can you live in a moment, when all the moments of the past up until that very moment contributed to that moment. It is not easy. Today, I seem to be embracing it, for that momentary relief, to live in the now. Is this one way of coping up? I don't know. What I know, right now, is that, however impossible and improbable life seems to be, it will get better. It will get easier. And I will find a way, to move on.

I will find a way...
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