There are a lot of things going on in my head right now. All this resentment at being chained is growing in me, to the extent where it threatens to consume me. When things are fine, all these feelings are in a back burner, but at the slightest ripple, all these feelings surface, as a bubbling tornado and every time its as though they never went away. I can feel the blood rumbling, I can feel my eyes threatening to overflow, I can feel the anger in me ready to engulf everything around me. Yet, yet, I need to hold everything in.
Life has to be simple, yet we complicate it, with people we surround ourselves with. I mean, even if we live on an island, we cannot really escape people, can we? Family, friends, relations, strangers - all are people, ready to pounce on us, rub their emotions on us and basically just willing to complicate our life. We cannot shut them out, nor can we let them in. Ask, talk, feel, shout, scream, wallow, cry - how many emotions and for what? Who gives a f**k about why we feel any of those feelings? Every one is in their own rat race, ready to climb up or down, ready to push us up or down or sideways. Its easy to pretend that its a beautiful summer morning after a long winter, ignoring the heat, yet its there, melting the ice in and around us.
Who defined these rules anyway? That we need a shoulder to lean on? That we need someone to trust? That we need happiness in life? That we cannot hold our tears in? That we should not make decisions when we are angry? That we should succumb to an apology? That sorry makes things alright? That smile makes everything better? That laughter is a medicine? Non sense! we are alone to fight our own battles, our own demons, that we alone must fight to win or to lose. No one, not mother nor father nor partner nor kids will share with us, this journey we call our life and that is the irony of our societal rules. We live with parents, with siblings, with family, with kids, yet, every time we turn around to seek comfort, we inevitably find ourselves alone. Yet, we need to rush for a relations need, that we miss our family when they are ten minutes away and we miss being us, when we sit in solitude. Why the hell do we force ourselves to feel for these emotions when they are not what we want to feel? Why?
Jan 22, 2017
Is that too much to ask?
....
I want to scream at the top of my lungs, just scream until my voice goes hoarse. I want to keep running until every breath I take feels like the last one. I feel like a rebel. I want to challenge my own convictions of life, my own principles. What good are they, when they do not help me navigate through my life, in some semblance of peace? What good are they, if I feel lost in the chasm of misery? While the logical part of my brain, quite literally tells me to shut up and move on, the illogical heart keeps weeping at a loss that I could not control. While part of me consoles, part of me wants to rip my heart and stomp on it for not fathoming the unfathomable. And I think that part finally succeeded! I stare at what feels like a million pieces of my heart on the floor. I could quite literally hear it shatter. I stumble for words, I scramble for words, yet, nothing can explain what is going on in my head, when processing what is in front of me. I try to focus, move from one point to another, to choose to engage myself with activities, that once held some meaning to me, yet, I know, deep down, that this is a charade I play, for everyone to leave me alone. Deep down, somewhere, in the recesses of my heart, there is an ache that has no balm. The sense of loss, the longing, the anger, the shame, the guilt - all these emotions that are running through me, make me pause and reflect on life. For now, my life seems to drift apart, like a kite with no string, drifting through the wind, waiting to just be tangled and torn. I am a spectator, watching it, with pain and sadness. Neither can help me now. What I need is some semblance of peace and challenge. What I want is to turn back the time to when I was 20 years younger, with no care or concern or forward to another 20 years, where I look the age I feel and just wait for the last breath that shall leave my body. I am OK with either one.
There are moments in life, when it throws a gauntlet at you, to see if you can sustain the pressure of the battle. There is no guarantee of a win, just the maturity that comes with the fight. Neither is a guarantee of a loss, it just comes down to hanging by the skin of your teeth. Everyone gets fucked in life, right? So, what do I do? Take the easy way - shut down everyone and everything, move like a zombie? Or, fight to survive, fight through the murk that is drowning me? Engage or Disengage? I am a fighter, despite the moments of despair that strongly urge me to close myself off. Yet, some part in me, refuses to succumb and accept that MY life is defined by societal norms or convictions. Some part of me wants to ask, is my life only defined by being a daughter, wife and mother? Can't it be anything more? I don't know. I am torn between a gilded cage and carefree life. I want to be free, of this never ending expectations of me. I want to have some space to be my own person, to feel that I am important as being me, not as some version perceived by everyone, known and unknown. Is that too much to ask?
I want to scream at the top of my lungs, just scream until my voice goes hoarse. I want to keep running until every breath I take feels like the last one. I feel like a rebel. I want to challenge my own convictions of life, my own principles. What good are they, when they do not help me navigate through my life, in some semblance of peace? What good are they, if I feel lost in the chasm of misery? While the logical part of my brain, quite literally tells me to shut up and move on, the illogical heart keeps weeping at a loss that I could not control. While part of me consoles, part of me wants to rip my heart and stomp on it for not fathoming the unfathomable. And I think that part finally succeeded! I stare at what feels like a million pieces of my heart on the floor. I could quite literally hear it shatter. I stumble for words, I scramble for words, yet, nothing can explain what is going on in my head, when processing what is in front of me. I try to focus, move from one point to another, to choose to engage myself with activities, that once held some meaning to me, yet, I know, deep down, that this is a charade I play, for everyone to leave me alone. Deep down, somewhere, in the recesses of my heart, there is an ache that has no balm. The sense of loss, the longing, the anger, the shame, the guilt - all these emotions that are running through me, make me pause and reflect on life. For now, my life seems to drift apart, like a kite with no string, drifting through the wind, waiting to just be tangled and torn. I am a spectator, watching it, with pain and sadness. Neither can help me now. What I need is some semblance of peace and challenge. What I want is to turn back the time to when I was 20 years younger, with no care or concern or forward to another 20 years, where I look the age I feel and just wait for the last breath that shall leave my body. I am OK with either one.
There are moments in life, when it throws a gauntlet at you, to see if you can sustain the pressure of the battle. There is no guarantee of a win, just the maturity that comes with the fight. Neither is a guarantee of a loss, it just comes down to hanging by the skin of your teeth. Everyone gets fucked in life, right? So, what do I do? Take the easy way - shut down everyone and everything, move like a zombie? Or, fight to survive, fight through the murk that is drowning me? Engage or Disengage? I am a fighter, despite the moments of despair that strongly urge me to close myself off. Yet, some part in me, refuses to succumb and accept that MY life is defined by societal norms or convictions. Some part of me wants to ask, is my life only defined by being a daughter, wife and mother? Can't it be anything more? I don't know. I am torn between a gilded cage and carefree life. I want to be free, of this never ending expectations of me. I want to have some space to be my own person, to feel that I am important as being me, not as some version perceived by everyone, known and unknown. Is that too much to ask?
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