Goodbye, dear Uncle!!!

There is a sense of impending doom hanging around as a life balances thinly in the clutches of despair. In these situations, even a tiny hope might help a person retain the faith in the almighty, but I have a reason to challenge his games today! Clutching to the last straw of hope, I ask of him to help us retain the trust in him, at least my trust in him. Somehow, couple of years have been trying and I cannot stand another let down from his side at all. “Life stops for no one and when it does, nothing else matters”, was posted as a comment on my post recently, by a very dear friend. And how true could she get!!! I do not open my heart and wail that this cannot be happening to me, but I do wail, sometimes openly and sometimes inside for reasons unknown and it is one of those trying moments where I need to be strong for people round me, even at the behest of coming out as cold hearted. But that matters little, when things slide down a pit hole and one is in a desperate need of rope to dangle down that hole, however thin it may be and perhaps that additional minute of hope might make all the difference.

With a prayer on everyone’s lip, we silently will the tide to turn in our favour, every minute clinging onto a ray of hope that is withering. Why is it that people who want to live their life, find themselves in the midst of a tragedy, when people who want to die seem to get on with their lives with a half hearted attempt at it? No offense meant to belittle a life anywhere, yet, that seems to be a genuine fact. I do not like going to hospitals at all, for the experience leaves me all messed up and edgy most of the times, but I did one mistake because of my cowardice which I refuse to do the second time, so I went to visit my uncle and with a wavering heart, I stand in front of him, seeing his life being pumped by a machine. My heart aches to reach out and touch him, yet afraid that I might mess something up. The conflicting emotions of anger, of pain, of despair pass through me as I watch his face shake a couple of times and his eyes open to look around. In that moment’s consciousness, he looks at me and beckons me closer. I take a step closer to him and he shakes his head, asking ME, IF, I WAS OK!!! I nod, telling him that I am OK and he would be OK too. And the next moment he is asleep. I could barely control the tears as I fiercely hold them back to squeeze my aunt’s hand, who was barely in control of herself. And from that moment, everything else is covered in a mist that is thick enough to block the entire world out!!!

I wrote the above on Saturday, hoping that some miracle is on the reckoning… and here I sit, on Monday, with everything done and dusted and the lives of three families shattered, all looking above for some comfort, knowing that even HE cannot provide any. Here I sit, reminiscing the past, the toddler I was in his laps, the little girl I was, running behind him, the kid who looked through his eyes, the journeys he travelled… for, he always brought me a carefully thought out present from every tour of his, the niece I was, who sat next to him, during his marriage and the adult I was, when I took care of his kids from their innocence to puberty… and here I am, shocked beyond my wildest dreams and at a loss of words to offer comfort to the little kid who is still in the process of getting a grip of the reality. Shared ice creams, partners in caroms and shuttle – I shared quite a few moments with him and to think, I will not even see him, again is utterly devastating. There was a phase in my life, where I did push away every relation and today, despite trying to make amends for my cowardice, I keep losing these strings. Death does not really mar the memories or does not diminish the love. The bonds are forever there and I am sure he will still feel the love that aches for him, for, those bonds are not physical, they are tuned to their subconscious, which will linger on and on, as long as the memories last, even a tiny bit of memory.

An invaluable lesson, learnt the hard way – life is short, live it the way you want to live, surrounded by the people you love and who love you back, for at the end of the day, these are the people who shed a tear for you and these are the people, whose regards reach out and comfort you and give you the strength to move forward in life, when the tide is difficult to navigate, rather than wasting time being a spectacle to the people who care a damn about you. Age has nothing to do with death; young and old alike, suffer and wither. Despite the heavy day, eyes refuse to droop. And the silence that has enveloped me has nothing to do with a quiet house. The incessant voice inside me is silent and the slide show of the incidents, bring in a scene by scene play of the good times and bad and the worst. At 45, and with his first stroke, he should have made it and he should have been amongst us today, but, as it turns out, he wished his farewell when he sat in the car for going to the hospital and on this very fateful day, last week, he was operated, to never ever remain the same.

Good bye, dear uncle, journey well… if there was any way things would have been different, I would have gladly given half of my life to you, if God could only listen to my prayers!!! Whatever I want, I already have and the rest – home, marriage, family and kids – have little interest to me. But, you have so much to live for - you have two wonderful kids, who love and respect you and need you and have a beautiful wife, who would gladly cut her heart out to see you live a happy life, she truly enriched yours and fulfilled yours, by just being her and today, you stranded her in the midst of the life… how do you think you would offer her the courage to live through this trauma? All said and done, nothing matters now that the bygone is long way from being a dream, so, until we meet again, journey well and convey my apologies to grandpa… and give him my deepest respect…

I light a candle in your name today,
hoping that it will guide your way...
Past the clouds and into the mystic lands, far, far away...

What does this make me?

Life’s roads are travelled by one and many, yet few make choices that seem to take them to much darker places, with the teasing glory an arm’s length away. Few waver and few fumble, but there are a few, who walk through the road, undeterred by the cataclysm that might strike them in an unseen future and few, fumble in the last step and give up. Yet, each life is an experience to learn from, every step taken either forward or backward is a foothold for a fellow comrade. Along these paths, we meet people, with different perceptions and different facets, each intriguing and few disheartening. That providence meet can last an impression so strong that it might eventually change the path in which one traverses and few are disheartening that the foot steps fumble along the way. Its like a maze, each step has a million routes to take, a step in one direction can change the future and perhaps a step in another direction might bring you in a full circle and you are where you started, only, with more experience.

Brain sorts these experiences, categorically, each moving a step up and few moving a step down and a corner for special cases to remember and to learn from. And I had a profound experience lately, though it did not make me ponder so much about life or worth or people, it did give me an insight into the acuity of people. One need not be a psychologist to understand the basic psychology of a person, a slight observation with a fern's acumen is sufficient, but can one presume to understand that person in a day? Even a psychologist, sure as hell cannot understand a person completely. Every page offers a new script, the past is a mystery, the future too is a mystery, the present, well, depends on the person. Few are mysterious, few are intriguing, few are fascinating, few are plain dull and few are full of life. But, are these the actual faces of the person? Or are these facades, behind which lies the actual person? Should one try and unmask this façade? Should one try and presume that they could unmask that façade? Or should one just plainly accept the present moment and be done with it?

The second face, the naked face that lies beneath the carefully constructed masks of each person comes to surface in the dire situations that actually speak volumes about the person and there are few who notice those second faces. Honestly, the difference might be a momentary word or an unguarded laugh, where the thin mask is shred and out comes the self. Can one find out such differences in the first, second, third meetings? Perhaps a month? Perhaps a year? The words that travel mouth to mouth, ear to ear, heart to heart – each have a stamp on them, but none are original. But if these words are in your mind and the garbled body language the person is communicating might be hard to understand and more importantly, with a preconceived notion, if one interprets the faces in front of them, they might lose a chance of meeting someone truly inspiring, yet, many a day, we tend to ignore the heart’s message to not listen to slanderers. Yet, we indulge in this hideous notion of slandering, without even knowing the person! And, we entertain the fantasy of knowing another person.

Words, they sting, but they still embrace me. Nothing communicates faster than the words written. Those very words can slice a heart too as they can teach you to watch the step you take. But then, honestly, should every word be considered and pondered? Is it worth the effort to even comprehend their meaning, when they mean nothing to you? If I choose to ignore those drops of poison, does that make me a loner? If I choose to answer back, does that make me an arrogant person? And if I choose to still accept people and speak my mind out, does that make me less empathetic to them? If I choose to show the person their place if the word or rebuke is unwarranted, does that make me proud and conceited? If I choose to not let myself be run down by their perception of me, am I aloof? Why cannot one understand that the people I am surrounded with, are all having their own life that is far too important and have a time that is much more important and if the person is adept at filtering through the bullshit, sugar coating a word does not take the sting away? If I believe that every person should cut through the icing because it does not take us anywhere, should I force myself to be flattering yet sarcastic?

Yet, with all these thoughts, I can only thank my stars, that I can block the unnecessary and continue the journey in my life without a care to the presumptuous pompousness that neither requires an acknowledgement nor consideration! But if one wants to perceive that I have an attitude, here is a little something to ponder: Dude, get a life and live it, rather than trying to make mine enriching and fulfilling. Thank you very much!!!

Mindset!!

When a person is in a negative frame of mind, anything and everything that happens around that person tends to contribute to the negative emotions in that person. This means that, even though the random act of kindness which would have been considered positive, tend to turn out to be frustrating aspects to that person. Like, if I am in a negative frame of mind and my sister, lets out an off hand comment that the dress I was wearing was not great, I might tend to let it pass if I was in a normal mood, but, since I was in a negative frame of mind, I tend to judge that she was being critical of me. This happens more often than not. For that matter, if she goes that extra mile and tends to make me a cup of coffee, I tend to look out for a reason to see why she is being nice and if by chance she asks me what is the time, I know that she made me this cup of coffee to ask me the time. (I know, I am being ridiculous here, but, then, I am just trying to say that the positive deeds that tend to normally fall in the good deeds category, suddenly become opportunistic and manipulative, when the person’s perspective is negative and boggled down with turmoil of whatever sort!).

I was reading about the frame of mind and how it influences the day or the life of the person and I have to say, I was on a roll by the time I completed the first page! I was on a roll because I think there is a little too much of theory to prove the author’s point. But, I was wondering, if one has trusted a person with all his heart and that person broke the trust, that would definitely put the person on the defensive to ever be able to trust the same person again and since the person has gone through what it feels like to have the trust broken, it also puts him on guard to ever be able to trust another person at the same level! In these situations, despite the passage of time, it is not easy to open up or be in a positive frame of mind. If that is the case, how would one get over it? Despite knowing that the chances coming his way might thin down with the passage of time and that he might be missing some truly astounding people because he is unwilling to trust someone, can anyone blame him? In this scenario, to convince himself of the good in the world might not really be effective and I could not particularly appreciate the author’s point of view that the person would know from his gut whether he can trust someone or no.

Gut feel is just that, the raw gut. Many a time it is a saviour, but many other times, it is a heart break too… Look at all those people who fell in love and ruined their peace of mind because their heart had this feeling that the person is right, only to realize in the long run that their choice was incorrect. The author points out that, there might have been some vibes, that there might have been some inclination of negative energy level that they failed to read and eventually made their life miserable. But I tend to contradict that, one might perhaps feel in his heart that the person may be right, but once he thinks he has made the right choice and is head over heels with that person, can he honestly say that he had time to evaluate things? Love is work and it is not cut out! One needs to do a lot of hard work to sustain it over a period of time and turn it into something more beautiful, like a family that will be loved and cherished. It is a life long work with the burden shared and in this situation, one does not have time to observe the little nuances or symbols that indicate the hole in the ship until the storm has come and the ship begins to rock and sink! Instead of going that far into the relation of commitment, one might take a simpler example of a work day. There are many such days, one would feel that the day would be gruelling and it eventually turns out to be that. Now, perhaps that person might not have a rational explanation as to why he felt so, but then, he had prior experience of those days and he knows it in his heart that he is correct, but would that prepare him for that day? I mean, for an engineer, who has a release that day, no matter how many releases he might have been a part of, there is always this blood in the gut feel that comes when the date is approaching and no matter the prior experiences of the worst kind, every release has a way of giving a sleepless night and no amount of preparation or experience can help that person. Gut feel or no, one has to endure that stinking cloud until it passes over!

I have never appreciated these self help books or theoretical inspirational talks that say that one’s mind is a gold mine of ideas and it takes nothing more than self-control to control that mind! Yes, correct! And that self control comes through a diligent thought process and that thought process is again the work of mind! So, in order to control the mind, one has to teach that mind how to control it through the very ideas that stem through the mind. See, how confusing? Then, I get a counter argument saying that there are billions of gates, that take an input and give an output and not all those gates are AND gates or whatever! Well, whatever it is, life is simpler if one believes that as long as one has the strength to accept the consequences, heart and mind will guide them in the right way and each human is intelligent enough to realize that! Frame of mind is a state that one endures through experiences and once one thinks through those experiences, they get to a better frame of mind that helps them through that murk. One will eventually get through that murk and learn more experiences that help him either evade or escape the trying situations or give him the strength to go through those situations since he already endured what it feels like and succeeded through those trying times, to know that he will outlast this storm as well.

See, this topic can be quite trying, for I would eventually say that all the self help books just speak what I feel from gut, which has no rationale :D. and so I closed that book, forever, never to open it again! I am not going to mention the name of the book that I closed in the second chapter, either! But why did I bother opening a self help book when I detest the idea so much? Well, as time would have it, I sometimes act a bit conked, which is not out of ordinary, but, me trying to challenge myself to go beyond that single page is quite irrational! Again, my gut says I will hate it and it proved right! For crying out loud, I wonder, when I read my thoughts in a book, they scare the living day lights out of me, how can one honestly endure my company? Am I scary too? I am not against the genre of these books, just that these are not for me, for each person has their own philosophy about life and how they intend to deal with that philosophy! Perhaps there is something in that 250-page book, that will eventually help me learn how to tune my mind, but I have little patience. I am a toddler in life who wishes to crawl, try to walk, fall down, get up, dust down myself and take a step. I will eventually learn how to walk and take confident steps forward in life. Learning is natural to any living being and it is natural to me too and it is natural to everyone out there too!!!

Phew! :)

Good Will Hunting

Good Will Hunting is about “Will Hunting”, a genius math whiz, played by Matt Damon and how he overcomes his fear of abandonment and curbs his defence to move forward in life and how Sean, his shrink, played by Robin Williams, helps him in doing that. The actors enact their roles perfectly and I have to say that, perhaps this is the movie that gave Matt Damon a standing for what he is today!!

Working as a janitor in the prestigious college of MIT, Will solves a difficult problem that was posted on the college board for the students by the Math professor, field Medalist Gerald Lambeau , played by Stellan Skarsgard, as a challenge for his students to complete by the end of the semester. When the professor calls for a meeting to appreciate the student who solves the problem, he is surprised that no one claims for their hard work. He posts another problem that took his colleagues over two years to solve and he by chance spots a janitor writing something on that board. When he shoos away the janitor he was surprised to see that the problem was solved and thus begins his hunt for this janitor.

Will on the other hand, gets into trouble for beating a guy whom he suspects to have harassed him in kindergarten and kicks a cop who responded to the chaos. The judge refuses to let go of this incident considering the past charges on Will and Lambeau, who sees a potential in Will, decides to intervene on his behalf and cuts a deal with the judge: Either spend time in jail or study Mathematics under his supervision and accept therapy. Will chooses the latter and thus begins his journey of breaking into the self defence he built around himself to close down the memories of his abused childhood spent in foster homes and facing his inner demons for what he was not responsible.

Will is an arrogant, defensive, brilliant Math whiz whose intelligence borders genius, yet has trouble answering simple questions in life and trusting people. His defence is to shut out people before they could abandon him, so that he need not go through the pain of rejection. He messes up the sessions with the psychiatrists that Lambeau sets up for him through sheer arrogance and mistrust. Lambeau realizing that he needs someone who can break into him reaches out to his old class mate, Sean and requests him to help Will. In the first meeting between Sean and Will, Will makes a sarcastic comment about Sean’s wife and the painting hung in Sean’s room.
Sean threatens to kill Will if he ever said anything about his wife, ever again. After a much thought over Will’s words, Sean realizes that Will is just a kid and lets go of the incident.

This is the conversation between Sean and Will after that incident:

“If I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations. Him and the pope. Sexual orientation. The whole works, right? I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.
If I ask you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman... and feel truly happy.
You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help.
If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping, sitting up in a hospital room... for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes... that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you.
You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.
I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuckin' life apart.
You're an orphan, right? Do you think that I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been - how you feel, who you are - because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because - You know what? I can't learn anything from you... I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.”

The movie builds around the interaction and building up of trust between Will and Sean and how the life of Sean actually inspires Will to trust a person into his life. The conversation about how Sean misses the home run to spend a date with the girl whom he thinks would change his life forever marks a distinct impression on Will. When Will could not believe that Sean passed the ticket to watch home run for a girl and that he had not regretted not watching it, Sean comes up with a fantastic dialogue that actually speaks a lot about this movie.

“No, I'm not kidding you, Will. That's why I'm not talking right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counselling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missing the damn game. That's regret.”

That was a very touching statement, which speaks about the character Sean and probably connects to Will at some level that inspires him to not let go of his girl, Skylar, whom he meets at a Harvard bar. But he blows off the relation when he gets all defensive about moving to California with her, when she asks if he would be willing to come to California to stay with her and give her love a chance to move into something more.

In a conversation with his best friend, Chuck, played by Ben Affleck, where Will speaks about his break up and his thought about staying up here forever, living next door to him and taking his kids to the Patriot games, Chuck speaks his mind about what he thinks of Will and how it would be an insult to him to see his life go for a waste in the construction sites. This speaks a lot more about the character Chuck and the relation he shares with Will. Up until that scene, Will’s friends are just a bunch of guys who hang around each other, who are willing to go to any length for their friend, but, the fact that Will is special and that they expect him to make something out of himself comes out clear in this conversation.

“Look - you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a threat; now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.”

When Will questions him about what he meant by that,
“You got somethin' none of us have...”
“Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?”
“Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.

Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don't know much, but I know that.”

The movie has a lot of touching scenes enacted beautifully, but one particular scene would have touched Will to show how much his friends care for him comes out when they all pool in to present him with a car on his 21st birthday. After much thought and self-realization, Will ends up taking Sean’s advice to follow his heart. the movie ends with a note to Sean from Will, saying that he shall be following his heart and sets out to California to begin a new life with his girl friend.

“I gotta see about a girl.”

The movie is as much about Will as is about every other person out there, who has something to fear. This movie connects a lot at several levels, in that it challenges one to embrace the chances life offers and not regret not taking that chance, for there might be something beautiful that awaits round that corner. Incidents happen in life that can leave scars on the person, but then, that is the way of life. But how one deals with those incidents is the crux of life too. It is about battling that inner demon that pulls one down and rising above the self blame when things get out of hand and change life topsy-turvy. The movie is about Will Hunting who faces these demons and accepts the chance that life offers him!

I like this movie and it remains an all time favourite.