Goodbye, dear Uncle!!!

There is a sense of impending doom hanging around as a life balances thinly in the clutches of despair. In these situations, even a tiny hope might help a person retain the faith in the almighty, but I have a reason to challenge his games today! Clutching to the last straw of hope, I ask of him to help us retain the trust in him, at least my trust in him. Somehow, couple of years have been trying and I cannot stand another let down from his side at all. “Life stops for no one and when it does, nothing else matters”, was posted as a comment on my post recently, by a very dear friend. And how true could she get!!! I do not open my heart and wail that this cannot be happening to me, but I do wail, sometimes openly and sometimes inside for reasons unknown and it is one of those trying moments where I need to be strong for people round me, even at the behest of coming out as cold hearted. But that matters little, when things slide down a pit hole and one is in a desperate need of rope to dangle down that hole, however thin it may be and perhaps that additional minute of hope might make all the difference.

With a prayer on everyone’s lip, we silently will the tide to turn in our favour, every minute clinging onto a ray of hope that is withering. Why is it that people who want to live their life, find themselves in the midst of a tragedy, when people who want to die seem to get on with their lives with a half hearted attempt at it? No offense meant to belittle a life anywhere, yet, that seems to be a genuine fact. I do not like going to hospitals at all, for the experience leaves me all messed up and edgy most of the times, but I did one mistake because of my cowardice which I refuse to do the second time, so I went to visit my uncle and with a wavering heart, I stand in front of him, seeing his life being pumped by a machine. My heart aches to reach out and touch him, yet afraid that I might mess something up. The conflicting emotions of anger, of pain, of despair pass through me as I watch his face shake a couple of times and his eyes open to look around. In that moment’s consciousness, he looks at me and beckons me closer. I take a step closer to him and he shakes his head, asking ME, IF, I WAS OK!!! I nod, telling him that I am OK and he would be OK too. And the next moment he is asleep. I could barely control the tears as I fiercely hold them back to squeeze my aunt’s hand, who was barely in control of herself. And from that moment, everything else is covered in a mist that is thick enough to block the entire world out!!!

I wrote the above on Saturday, hoping that some miracle is on the reckoning… and here I sit, on Monday, with everything done and dusted and the lives of three families shattered, all looking above for some comfort, knowing that even HE cannot provide any. Here I sit, reminiscing the past, the toddler I was in his laps, the little girl I was, running behind him, the kid who looked through his eyes, the journeys he travelled… for, he always brought me a carefully thought out present from every tour of his, the niece I was, who sat next to him, during his marriage and the adult I was, when I took care of his kids from their innocence to puberty… and here I am, shocked beyond my wildest dreams and at a loss of words to offer comfort to the little kid who is still in the process of getting a grip of the reality. Shared ice creams, partners in caroms and shuttle – I shared quite a few moments with him and to think, I will not even see him, again is utterly devastating. There was a phase in my life, where I did push away every relation and today, despite trying to make amends for my cowardice, I keep losing these strings. Death does not really mar the memories or does not diminish the love. The bonds are forever there and I am sure he will still feel the love that aches for him, for, those bonds are not physical, they are tuned to their subconscious, which will linger on and on, as long as the memories last, even a tiny bit of memory.

An invaluable lesson, learnt the hard way – life is short, live it the way you want to live, surrounded by the people you love and who love you back, for at the end of the day, these are the people who shed a tear for you and these are the people, whose regards reach out and comfort you and give you the strength to move forward in life, when the tide is difficult to navigate, rather than wasting time being a spectacle to the people who care a damn about you. Age has nothing to do with death; young and old alike, suffer and wither. Despite the heavy day, eyes refuse to droop. And the silence that has enveloped me has nothing to do with a quiet house. The incessant voice inside me is silent and the slide show of the incidents, bring in a scene by scene play of the good times and bad and the worst. At 45, and with his first stroke, he should have made it and he should have been amongst us today, but, as it turns out, he wished his farewell when he sat in the car for going to the hospital and on this very fateful day, last week, he was operated, to never ever remain the same.

Good bye, dear uncle, journey well… if there was any way things would have been different, I would have gladly given half of my life to you, if God could only listen to my prayers!!! Whatever I want, I already have and the rest – home, marriage, family and kids – have little interest to me. But, you have so much to live for - you have two wonderful kids, who love and respect you and need you and have a beautiful wife, who would gladly cut her heart out to see you live a happy life, she truly enriched yours and fulfilled yours, by just being her and today, you stranded her in the midst of the life… how do you think you would offer her the courage to live through this trauma? All said and done, nothing matters now that the bygone is long way from being a dream, so, until we meet again, journey well and convey my apologies to grandpa… and give him my deepest respect…

I light a candle in your name today,
hoping that it will guide your way...
Past the clouds and into the mystic lands, far, far away...