Please make me whole again

DISCLAIMER: This is a letter written by a lover to her love... A thought that came in the middle of a night - not intended for any one.

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Restless night, as the hand inevitably moves to switch on the laptop and the thoughts inadvertently fling into the shallow mists of the midnight, I try to gather my thoughts that seem to befuddle me. I sit here at my table, at one O clock in the night, reminiscing the days that started my journey into the world of love. The days I waited for you, to welcome you after your tired day at work. Despite working overtime or boggled by work, the thought of you filled me with a vigour that helped me get through the day. Knowing that we had the night to ourselves, knowing that I can confess my fears, desires, thoughts and foolishness with you and knowing that I would not be judged, but would be embraced into the warmth of your hands, into you – wow, that sense of satisfaction is deep.

I know that I would get a bashing for being awake at the late hour, but I also know that the anger would only last a minute, before you engulf me into a hug that tingles me from the spine and wells up my heart with the glow that only you could give. Dear, I love you so much. Sometimes I wonder, if you really knew how much I love you, how very much I am obsessed with you, how very much I yearn to belong to you – to be owned, to be ruptured, to be shattered, to be torn, to be moulded, to be loved, by you. As long as you are in the equation, the hurt, the anger, the bliss and the solitude, all are acceptable. Do you understand all that? To know that you can break me into a million pieces by just ignoring me? That you could kill me with your look of disdain? With you around, the world seems small and not enough to tuck you and hide you away, for me to cherish and relish you and with you away, the world seems magnanimous.

Dearest… the endearment rolls off easily, before I wonder if I still have the right to call you that. Will you forgive me, for breaking a promise? A promise of living my life? But then, you are my life, my dear, the life you took away with you. I cannot help but feel empty inside, when all the insides ache with the thought of you, when every nerve craves for your voice, when every brain cell screams your name – how can I conceive a thought for myself, to even begin living my life? I cannot end this pain – you know that, don’t you? For, in this pain, you are the most closest to me. In the tempest of the rupture, I find my haven, knowing that the anguish is the reality of my love.

You leave me restless here, the waiting long and painful. The thought of you consumes me so very completely that every other thought just seems insignificant, every relation seems insignificant, yet, I know I am just a tiny portion of your life. Yours don’t stop when I do not exist in it, while mine ceased existing when you turned your back. Yet, here I wait – in the hope that one day you shall realize, that we are bound forever, within the realms of my heart – where the shrine built for you shall remain as a crowning glory to the “you” I fell in love with.

Please make me whole again, my dear… 
Yours forever…

Random Thoughts...

After a very long time , I have opened a few websites I frequented as a fresher and it amazes me that I actually lost touch with the innovations happenings around the industry. Today, people are talking about Infrastructure as a Service, Network Attached Memory, 4G. Long gone are the days of commute on foot/two-wheelers – now is the fast forward generation of speed trains and luxury shuttles. And pretty soon it would be a virtual box, with access to anything and everything over thin air! Like the Minority Report. We are talking about Infrastructure as a service and later perhaps, it would be Artificial Resources as Service (What do you say? I wonder if we are really that far from this being a reality – are we not already half way machines with flesh and blood?). The science fiction no longer remains fiction but borders round the reality, as the artificial Intelligence gives way to automated and highly intelligent machines (shudder!!) that can complete the tasks – based on the archival processing of the data and refining approaches that worked well in the past, without any human intervention. One side, it is a proud moment to see that the intelligence has no bounds and that miracles can co-exist with natural events in a miraculously simple way, and on the other side, it is frightening to think about the human reactions to those times. Man being a power-hungry entity, the more chance of acquiring power, the more ruthless his actions shall be: “It is purely business, nothing personal!”

But, for now, let me just mask in the glory of the innovations that are coming out into the market and will rule the future market – to virtualization – cloud computing… and perhaps to more focused and productive and short office hours than laborious, inefficient long hours!

Commuting On Cab!

As the vehicle weaves in and out of traffic at a speed of 60kmph - 80kmph in fifth gear, with the sudden breaks and the roller-coaster rides, the little life in me almost chokes in the throat and as my heart threatens to stop, I hold on to the support gear near the door and try not to cringe at the oncoming traffic. The driver, however is least affected by my antiques or the conversation behind me, where people sarcastically remark that there really is no hurry and that they want to reach the destination alive! Every morning - as the cool breeze rushes through my hair, I close my eyes and try to catch some sleep, only -the driver has other ideas about his passengers sleeping - perhaps because he does not have the luxury of closing his eyes while driving (LOL), he either applies a sudden break or takes a rash turn to the right or left. Oh, my driver is expert on cuts too… So obviously, I cannot sleep, which frustrates me to no end - as the speed is not convenient to read a book either. So basically the hour in the morning and evening is a total waste. And the evening is all together another matter, where the traffic continues to pile on and the 101.9FM radio gives a load of crap as conversation –this seriously drives me crazy. I cannot pick between the irk caused by the FM radio blabber and the driver’s hurry to complete his job. The narrow cuts and the no-care for the traffic rules are seriously irritating. But it is almost a comical watch when the vehicles move out of the way, almost in respect to this cab. I keep thinking that a royal heir is passing through the streets and that the traffic is a standstill, almost like a procession and waiting for it to pass, before resuming their life. Oh dear! It helps me to think that I would get out of the cab soon enough and that mine is the first stop – thankfully and the last board onto the cab!




Speed is fun when on an empty road – but it seriously is a pain, when you are worried, not just about your safety, but that of the people on the road and the fellow companions. But this is another experience to share and I being a very timid person might have exaggerated on the threat of life – but seriously, what if the break does fail? Or the other fellows vehicle stops in the middle of the road or another crazy cab driver or for that matter, a bus driver tends to overtake the cab and misjudges the distance and the speed? Law of nature- nothing ever is definite . So, despite my exaggeration, there tends to be a genuine concern on my part over the well being of people around me! Anyway, this cab drive thrills and adventures are short lived as we move out to a different work area and commute by bus, however, the bus drivers are not any better! Hmpf!

A Journal: Coorg - April 2010

With too much time to spare, the whim of a tour took off a mile a minute and materialized on the Saturday. Set and eager to enjoy the first ever planed vacation, I looked forward to having a quiet time, away from the countless hurdles that seem to amass with every step I take. Anyway, the tour required a hop stop at Bangalore and my first impression was, “Dirty!”, but then, I shall leave my impressions of her until I am better equipped with information by spending a date with her. For now, Bangalore was a strut in our journey to Coorg.

The journey to a destination is what makes the ride worthwhile, but the journey to Coorg was tiring and very frustrating. As we boarded the bus to Coorg, I plugged in my ipod, with less hope of staying awake throughout the journey, yet the second half of the journey, I was fighting nausea and just praying we would get down the damn bus fast. Bus rides are not my favourite and obviously, the choice of transport was not really good. When I stepped off the bus, it was such a relief, my legs almost gave away in the groan of satisfaction. And then there was the cab ride to the resort. That, I thoroughly enjoyed, perhaps because of the slight breeze that rushed past me. The resort was something at least. Kadkani resort, secluded and isolated, it was perfect in its own way. Surrounded by the tea plantations and with the Cauvery river on its one side, the resort was situated amidst the tranquillity and serenity of nature.

The cottage we booked was named Blue Maria, unsure of its origins and the reason why it was named so, but it had what is required and a little more. A walk around the resort gave me an impression that it is not that huge. The heat, however was exceptionally irritating. We decided to tour the place the next day and take the day after that off and enjoy the resort and so we planned with the lady at the reception, asking her about the places that need to be visited and booked a cab. Next day, bright and ready and raring to go, we had our breakfast and started on our introduction to Coorg. First impressions were that the place could be better maintained. I keep wondering why our government does not care much for tourism. It makes me sad to realize that the facilities, food and roads, are all bare minimum and in few places, worse. As we snaked through the route to Madikeri, towards the Raja seat, the scenic view was one heck of a beauty. The up hill drive, the long lush green patches, the intermittent horns of other vehicles and the unavoidable heat – all were part of the journey, yet the place, offered beautiful panoramic view which was simply breathtaking. The next place we visited was Nisargadhama (Bamboo forest I guess) was what made the trip worth while. Walking through the hanging bridge and splashing in the flowing Cauvery and slipping through the slippery rocks, the one hour revamped the entire tiredness of the whole trip and made the heat bearable. Watching kids swim in the river and seeing my friend enjoy herself in the flow of the river was simply amazing. After satiating our interest in that, we paid little attention to the remaining place and walked out. We had lunch that can only be said as filling and nothing more, void of taste and almost made me cringe at the fact that it would almost be at least another three days before I had anything that can be called food. Lesson learnt is that you better be willing to survive on bread and jam and coffee when you are out. Next we set out to the golden temple and that was a vision of its own. I simply fell in love with the place. Just the calmness of the Tibetian monastery soothed my senses. Walking through the entire monastery and trying to decipher their culture without much success, I just enjoyed the moment and gave myself the luxury of basking in the serenity of the monastery. Then we went rafting in Dubare, that was cool and tiring, but well worth it. I thoroughly enjoyed the boat ride with the too friendly native Rajesh who was our guide/main rafter. The unguarded bits of thoughts that flew past me and the relative simplicity of chatting with a stranger that would have once had me tongue-tied gave me a jolt of surprise as I realized that this is what I have been missing most, the almost free bits of thoughts without a care or thought for the future, just cherishing the moment in its true sense. Perhaps, that one reason helped me enjoy the rafting. The scenic beauty of the place left me speechless again. After a half hour of this water adventure, we travelled back to our resort and just about wrapped ourselves in bed.

The next day we got up at leisure and after the yesterday’s adventure with food, I decided to quit experimenting and have bread and jam. While I asked the cook to give me bread and jam, he insisted on giving a native speciality called “Paputtu” and “potato curry – coorg style”. I had my doubts about it, though. My friend was inclined towards experimenting however and took the brave step of tasting it, while I made myself a strong cup of coffee and sat in the sofa next to her. After she gave a grade-A to the Paputtu, I too tried it and loved it. So yeah, if anyone ever goes to Coorg, please do try this out ;). After the breakfast and after flipping through the channels for sometime, we decided to get ready and roam around the resort. We walked around, taking few snaps along the way. the resort has the Cauvery river on one of its side and we went rafting in it. WOW!!! That was just wow! The dull rush of the river and the noise as it sliced through the rocks has such a soothing effect on the ears that I just closed my eyes and embraced the peace. The cool breeze coming off the waves and the greenery around us put me into a different mood all together. After an hour of rafting, we sat on the little rocks that guarded the section of the lake that deepens – one of the nature’s mysterious gifts to the humans, I guess. As the rush of the waves gave us a back ground music and the cold water washed our feet, we had out moments of bliss. When I say I have thoroughly enjoyed the few minutes we spent on those rocks, I am speaking for both of us. The journey back towards the resort was also fun – when the guide tried talking us into rope water crossing and a swim in the lake – which we adamantly refused. We had a sumptuous lunch back in the room and passed the time indoors by reading books. In the evening, we played table tennis. While my friend is alright with her game, I am a novice… I enjoyed the game and the conversation and the strange bits of thoughts that came to my mind. While playing the game, I realized – a game is not about winning – but about the attitude. The game is not about the points – but about the ball in the right corner of the table at the right time. It was at that point, I had the strangest line of thoughts that wrapped me so completely, I had tough time focusing and enjoying. The line of thoughts would form a different blog together, if I can ever put that entire swarm of emotion into words. On a separate channel of thought – the game also reminded me all the people I wished were there – to share that moment. It is then, that I realized – trips should be made with a bunch of people – at least trips where activities like these are also a part. Sight seeing can be done solo or with a couple of friends, but games – especially outdoor games require groups of people.

We started the following day, the journey back home. I had my date with the moon that night – as I slept in the bottom side compartment, secluded and alone – gazing into the night sky and the song – “Right here waiting for you” playing in my ears. One such journey came to my mind and as the moon played hide and seek with the clouds and me, I smiled and waited in anticipation for it to peep out again. the wait was always worthwhile as the full moon smiled brilliantly at me, every single time and almost took my breath away. The songs continued down my favourite list – the never ending romance circling the air, as my vivid imagination lurked round the corner, swinging me from one cosy corner to the other and as I flirted with the moon, my heart drifted slowly to the comfort thoughts stored in the corner draw and I slept a dreamless sleep after a very long time. when I woke up – it was dawn and I looked at the passing greenery with relish and happiness as the thoughts of home and the new challenges ahead of me opened a cheerful morning. I never thought I would miss Hyderabad or for that matter – I never realized I love this place so much – but believe me when I say, despite the mad traffic, Hyderabad is a better place than the natives seem to think and it has better food too.

That completed the three day trip to Coorg – an alright place – I would not say that it is a place that will have to be visited, but it is a get away of sorts – if the goal is to relax your soul.

Truths or fakes?

As the new beginning kicks off with tiffs and laughs, there is this tingle of excitement that might lead to contentment in the deepest crevices of the heart, if the sadness of a life altering course does not sit tightly in it already. While the life ahead of me does look promising, the past hovers like an unforgiving menace that wishes for atonement and while the beginning sounds delightful, the nuance of distance with the loved ones does seem quite difficult to accept. Comfort is a luxury that sometimes becomes scarce even between mom and a child, what are other relations, if not trifles? While life offers many courses in dealing with relations, unfortunately every lesson is a whiplash that is every bit harsh and every bit painful, both to the bearer as well as the executioner, yet, those whiplashes come at frequent intervals from the executioner, despite the pain. Despite the care for solidarity, certain things are inevitable in life, like being alone forever. Companionship can be a boon and a curse. While the curses leave a scar, the boons leave hope. A hope that there would be more boons that might come along. Life’s courses offer twists and turns that are unpredictable and yet, they make life interesting. But that unpredictability is often a curse for the impatient, where the pathways into the future hold no meaning and the present is messed up.

Certain dreams are mere curses waiting to unleash as the curtain rises for the performance to begin. The wickedness of the reality sinks in with the rupture of hearts that once cared for each other. While the life extinguishes and the ending looms over, the beginning and end dancing hand in hand, one has to wonder, if it ever was a beginning. While life has no meaning when misery plays an upper hand in relations, few clings are mere strings that are adamant at being cut. They are neither together nor apart, forever circling in the eternal pit of misery and doom. Why do such relations exist? Why do such relations require a beginning if any? When the end spirals down into an endless pit, the vapors of stench and staleness are better than the fresh breath of air that brings agony every waking moment. The wail of the heart echoes deeper and the promises that look fulfilling are mere mirages that exist further from the reach. That is the reality of life that sucks the breath out of you every breathing moment.

Wish there are “undo” buttons in life, that can rewind and erase certain parts that should have been buried deeper than the subtle locks that mind and heart conjure, only then can one have a peace of mind. Love is a myth and it is a fairy tale that exists in the minds of romantic writers and while romance is certainly over rated, the relations that are based on romance are non-existing. Everything in life borders around being fake, including the raw emotion of love, hate, anger and despise.