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Restless night, as the hand inevitably moves to switch on the laptop and the thoughts inadvertently fling into the shallow mists of the midnight, I try to gather my thoughts that seem to befuddle me. I sit here at my table, at one O clock in the night, reminiscing the days that started my journey into the world of love. The days I waited for you, to welcome you after your tired day at work. Despite working overtime or boggled by work, the thought of you filled me with a vigour that helped me get through the day. Knowing that we had the night to ourselves, knowing that I can confess my fears, desires, thoughts and foolishness with you and knowing that I would not be judged, but would be embraced into the warmth of your hands, into you – wow, that sense of satisfaction is deep.
I know that I would get a bashing for being awake at the late hour, but I also know that the anger would only last a minute, before you engulf me into a hug that tingles me from the spine and wells up my heart with the glow that only you could give. Dear, I love you so much. Sometimes I wonder, if you really knew how much I love you, how very much I am obsessed with you, how very much I yearn to belong to you – to be owned, to be ruptured, to be shattered, to be torn, to be moulded, to be loved, by you. As long as you are in the equation, the hurt, the anger, the bliss and the solitude, all are acceptable. Do you understand all that? To know that you can break me into a million pieces by just ignoring me? That you could kill me with your look of disdain? With you around, the world seems small and not enough to tuck you and hide you away, for me to cherish and relish you and with you away, the world seems magnanimous.
Dearest… the endearment rolls off easily, before I wonder if I still have the right to call you that. Will you forgive me, for breaking a promise? A promise of living my life? But then, you are my life, my dear, the life you took away with you. I cannot help but feel empty inside, when all the insides ache with the thought of you, when every nerve craves for your voice, when every brain cell screams your name – how can I conceive a thought for myself, to even begin living my life? I cannot end this pain – you know that, don’t you? For, in this pain, you are the most closest to me. In the tempest of the rupture, I find my haven, knowing that the anguish is the reality of my love.
You leave me restless here, the waiting long and painful. The thought of you consumes me so very completely that every other thought just seems insignificant, every relation seems insignificant, yet, I know I am just a tiny portion of your life. Yours don’t stop when I do not exist in it, while mine ceased existing when you turned your back. Yet, here I wait – in the hope that one day you shall realize, that we are bound forever, within the realms of my heart – where the shrine built for you shall remain as a crowning glory to the “you” I fell in love with.
Please make me whole again, my dear…
Yours forever…
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