Wonder what it is to be lonely! Does it mean that one awaits company in the middle of the night, when the eyes refuse to droop and the dreams continue to elude you? Does it mean that one seeks pleasure in the meaningless chatter with trial and errors and find that the world is asleep to keep you entertained? Does it mean flipping the channels from one to nine ninety nine, knowing that there is nothing interesting in the thousand channels that are telecasted and that you are on your own to survive the boredom? Does it mean that the thoughts surrounding your mind in the middle of the night have ten search results in Google and that the vagueness of one’s mind is insufficient for the search engine that requires precise key words? In that middle of the night, apart from the brain not sending the signals that it should probably shutdown for the day, it refuses to co-operate even for the economical and logical words that can provide a few search results to give you company, will that be considered lonely? Complicated thoughts!
When loneliness is a pinnacle, would it be unendurable? When one searches for the sanity of one’s mind in the pleasure of someone else and one requires the happiness of someone to be happy, then yes, it is unendurable! If loneliness is a state of being left to the comfort or discomfort of one’s thoughts, shouldn’t that be intoxicating? But if those thoughts surround the coldness of the night or the cold shoulders of the dear ones, can it be intoxicating? The illusions of the care or warmth of the near and dear ones is a revolting thought when stripped to the bare essentials of reality, yet the illusion is what is craved for. To need, to crave, to yearn, to want – all these are various forms of self-imposed drudgery that requires ruthless execution! In such case, loneliness is certainly a slavery! No wonder loneliness is painful! Yet, how can one forget the most important company? The dear old self? The good old self? The “self” that held you whole when your world is shredded? The “self” that pushed you beyond the pit holes of failed love? The “self” that rushed to assist you when you buckled down at the onset of mirthless life?
Loneliness is only painful when the expectations bar raises beyond reason. And it is unendurable when one forgets the “self” that is of prime importance in life. Thinking for people, whoever they may be, is such a waste of time. Despite the certainty of coming out as selfish and rude, if one enjoys the company of self more than anyone else, then it would be better to enjoy that, than crucify oneself by indulging in the heart games. The crass thoughts of life and death, the gush of blood through veins, the headache and heart ache are completely avoidable, when one trusts oneself and that nothing and no one is bigger than self. Tears are also such a waste – saving them for a better day might perhaps harvest the parched lands! And killing oneself – certainly not required – unless one’s sole purpose in life is to fulfill the obligation of satisfying every Tom, Dick and Harry, who, by the way will NEVER be satisfied.
My mind was conked beyond reason and my endurance, of which I was never proud, just about evaporated. When I cannot live with the consequences of my conscientious choices, then, I have no claim to cry “pain” and if that is what I get, for being me, well, the thoughts are not worth it. There are only so many people I let into my life and there are only handful who get to see the real me, and if they wish to toy with my emotions, well, what can I say? That mistakes merely make me human? But then, don’t blame me if the stage gets too hot. When it comes to self-preservation, there is no one colder than me!
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