Jun 18, 2011
What can I do?
I have tried so hard to put into words, the swarm of thoughts running through my head these days. But, I realized, the more I force myself to sit, the more antagonistic they become. They hide themselves in a corner, refusing to come out, despite the threats of never giving them company, ever. And then I realized, with twitter and facebook, my thoughts have learnt to become miniature versions of themselves and that I have little patience to sit and write a word or two about anything. There are stories that whisper themselves in my ears every now and then, those that are sweet, those that are horrific, those that are a work-in-progress. Yet, when I sit to string those words together, they refuse to form a coherent thought. Now, I sit on my bed, wondering what I can do, to open myself up. There was a time when writing was a solace. There was a time when reading was a comfort. There was a time, I could spring up a thought at my whim and go on about it. Currently, though, I see myself as a stranger whose purpose in life seems to be a mystery. Though there are paths unexplored, though there are venues that require attention, I seem to be caught up in a current that has no direction. I wish that things are different, I wish that there is something more I could do, with myself and my life.
Mar 25, 2011
A Pillion Rider Thoughts
As a pillion rider, sometimes I have a lot of time to think, particularly when on roads with heavy traffic or long drives with time constraint. Today, on one such ride, I had time to munch on quite a few thoughts –the then deserted streets, the narrow roads, the bicycle rides and the now busy and wide roads, the myriad cars that continue to stream down the lane. I thought about the millions of bucks spent on the air-conditioned offices, the infrastructure, logistics, support staff, security, training, the amount spent on college funds, the amount spent on roads for improving the public transport to the roads that were unheard of a few years ago. I kept thinking, for all the justified reasons (yes, justified), how much of that money is spent wasted when that paid time is not used effectively. Am I the only one thinking like this, or are there many others who think that? I am talking about the over-paid employees with little satisfaction in the job they do and countless hours spent on (arguably) personal work during paid hours.
Mar 15, 2011
A need for a miracle...
I decided to not jot down my thoughts, they seemed trivial. Sometimes I think, I jump from one tree to another, forever restless, forever absorbed and forever obsessed with whatever fancies me at that moment. Is that a crime? Is that not what one's mind should do? Mind being a monkey at free will, does a mad dash at the first sight of color, but, I feel like putting a boundary to my thoughts today. I am afraid that they might run amok with all the madness that is going on around the world. That is right, the crisis across a continent seems to disturb me beyond reason. I keep thinking, we could be next- any natural calamity unleashed on us has no mercy, for we have been cruel to her and to expect her to be kind to us does not cut a bargain. With tides running havoc, the fire being feisty, the earth trembling in equal bursts of mirth and fury - we can only do so much.
Though the Tsunami hit Japan is the one that started this inner turmoil, it goes deeper than that. It is the reason why I have been hiding - it matters little, these thoughts. Nothing matters, really. I keep fighting this urge in me to become a saint, for I can honestly not be one. But I also keep fighting the urge to be a philanthropist. Two completely extreme emotions running in my mind- one pushes me to open up to people, while one shuns me into my own world. In that little world, I keep urging myself for some redemption. For some sanity. For something to hold on to. To fight and to keep fighting, to live, to focus and to be passionate. Yet, I seem to scoff at the very idea of being passionate and sane.
Letting aside my thoughts, I hope that the nation that stunned everyone to admiration with its miraculous recovery from the world war 2, will find its feet together, with the helping hands from all the people from across the globe. While the emotional trauma of loss of lives is something that has to be lived with, the economical debacle, with the support of the fellow nations should be rectified, if not contained. Ofcourse, at this point of time, more than the value for economy, it is the value of the lives of people who are injured, exposed to the radio-active rays that is of concern. The nuclear reactor blasts are a continuous threat to the people in the vicinity of impact. I don't know what can be done about that, but I am sure that the capable minds are looking into the options, while I fill myself up with the physics of nuclear reactors, which by the minute is turning out to be alarming and depressing!
My positive thoughts are with the nation…
Though the Tsunami hit Japan is the one that started this inner turmoil, it goes deeper than that. It is the reason why I have been hiding - it matters little, these thoughts. Nothing matters, really. I keep fighting this urge in me to become a saint, for I can honestly not be one. But I also keep fighting the urge to be a philanthropist. Two completely extreme emotions running in my mind- one pushes me to open up to people, while one shuns me into my own world. In that little world, I keep urging myself for some redemption. For some sanity. For something to hold on to. To fight and to keep fighting, to live, to focus and to be passionate. Yet, I seem to scoff at the very idea of being passionate and sane.
Letting aside my thoughts, I hope that the nation that stunned everyone to admiration with its miraculous recovery from the world war 2, will find its feet together, with the helping hands from all the people from across the globe. While the emotional trauma of loss of lives is something that has to be lived with, the economical debacle, with the support of the fellow nations should be rectified, if not contained. Ofcourse, at this point of time, more than the value for economy, it is the value of the lives of people who are injured, exposed to the radio-active rays that is of concern. The nuclear reactor blasts are a continuous threat to the people in the vicinity of impact. I don't know what can be done about that, but I am sure that the capable minds are looking into the options, while I fill myself up with the physics of nuclear reactors, which by the minute is turning out to be alarming and depressing!
My positive thoughts are with the nation…
Jan 30, 2011
Redemption
Forgiveness is divine, so goes the saying. I am not a forgiving person. I hardly ever forgive or forget. So eventually, I end up being lonely, because no one, including myself can ever live upto the high standards that I seem to aspire for. I cannot obviously, not live with myself, but rest all, who have been part of my life, who are part of my life have a tough time, when understanding why I am suddenly so cold or distant. But I cannot help that nature of mine. I take time to accept people into my life. I take time to trust someone. It is easy to break your heart, when unwanted people enter it and I don’t cope well with heart break. No one ever does. So, I am conscious. A friend of mine, once said, that I accept people too easily. That was way back, when I was fourteen. But I was not wrong then, my instinct has been right about her and we still are friends. The journey has not been easy with her, but we managed to walk for over ten years together.
I came a long way since the first time I heard that I accept people easily. I am sometimes hesitant about people, sometimes defensive and sometimes unkind. I have had all sorts of experience and however we try, sometimes, hearts must be broken. And when that happens, there is nothing much to do, except be broken and let the hurt sweep you all over and one day, when it is tired, it can help you catch your breath and you can start living again. That is just how it is. The glorified path of hurt only making you stronger, does not really work. Not really. There are no paths from pain. Except a deep tidal wave that engulfs you in a black hole. It will settle when it can and until then, you just have to deal with it. Of course, after that comes a better place and that is the happy place. I have had a share of my happy times too. The thing is, I have always been an introvert, with limited set of friends. Friends are not someone I take lightly nor do I call everyone a friend, just because I spoke to them a couple of times. Some people do that. So, I have to say explicitly, I do not say the word friend, lightly. And when I say a friend, all the shackles of self-defense are lost. Did I make wrong choices when I called people friends? Over the past few years, I have had my trust broken a million times and the people who should have been friends betrayed me. SO, yes, I made wrong choices. I made wrong choices and I paid for them, which made me even more choosy and set the bar that bit higher, so I would not be hurt. In this process, I lost confidence in a lot of people, people I care and love. And I did not make amends to fix whatever it is that pushed me away from them. Also along the line, I realized, I have not been a good friend either. I have lied by omission, which means I broke a trust. I have seen a friend go astray, which means I broke a promise. I have let a friend suffer alone, which means, I have not been there. I have let a friend take baby steps ahead and did not stand there, to witness it, which means I have not shared an important moment of his life. I have not indulged in a friend’s fantasy, I have been too uptight, which means, I have let myself be more important than that friend. I have not participated in friend of friend’s conversation, for I felt uncomfortable and out of place, which means, I have not had the chance to get to know the people who are important to him/her. I have put myself above others, which means, I cannot be a friend. Can I? When I feel such, why should I try to demolish the walls I constructed around myself? Am I not better alone, than be this selfish person?
I have realized, I have come a long way in life, but, I have just begun this journey. And as I evade past the choices I have, I realized, I have become someone who I should not be. I should perhaps try and fix the broken bridges and smooth the creases, yet, I realize, I cannot do any of those, for I honestly do not care for few and I cannot resurrect what has never been, in a few cases and few, I just am too ashamed to go back. I do not have the strength in me to forgive myself. And I also do not have the strength to forget. But I do have the strength to ask for redemption, of all the people, who have ever seen me as a friend and who have had the misfortune of being my friend. I am sorry, for being the person I have been.
So where do I go now? I ask this question of myself, over and over again.
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating……..
And I don’t want to be anyone other than what I have been trying to be lately…
I came a long way since the first time I heard that I accept people easily. I am sometimes hesitant about people, sometimes defensive and sometimes unkind. I have had all sorts of experience and however we try, sometimes, hearts must be broken. And when that happens, there is nothing much to do, except be broken and let the hurt sweep you all over and one day, when it is tired, it can help you catch your breath and you can start living again. That is just how it is. The glorified path of hurt only making you stronger, does not really work. Not really. There are no paths from pain. Except a deep tidal wave that engulfs you in a black hole. It will settle when it can and until then, you just have to deal with it. Of course, after that comes a better place and that is the happy place. I have had a share of my happy times too. The thing is, I have always been an introvert, with limited set of friends. Friends are not someone I take lightly nor do I call everyone a friend, just because I spoke to them a couple of times. Some people do that. So, I have to say explicitly, I do not say the word friend, lightly. And when I say a friend, all the shackles of self-defense are lost. Did I make wrong choices when I called people friends? Over the past few years, I have had my trust broken a million times and the people who should have been friends betrayed me. SO, yes, I made wrong choices. I made wrong choices and I paid for them, which made me even more choosy and set the bar that bit higher, so I would not be hurt. In this process, I lost confidence in a lot of people, people I care and love. And I did not make amends to fix whatever it is that pushed me away from them. Also along the line, I realized, I have not been a good friend either. I have lied by omission, which means I broke a trust. I have seen a friend go astray, which means I broke a promise. I have let a friend suffer alone, which means, I have not been there. I have let a friend take baby steps ahead and did not stand there, to witness it, which means I have not shared an important moment of his life. I have not indulged in a friend’s fantasy, I have been too uptight, which means, I have let myself be more important than that friend. I have not participated in friend of friend’s conversation, for I felt uncomfortable and out of place, which means, I have not had the chance to get to know the people who are important to him/her. I have put myself above others, which means, I cannot be a friend. Can I? When I feel such, why should I try to demolish the walls I constructed around myself? Am I not better alone, than be this selfish person?
I have realized, I have come a long way in life, but, I have just begun this journey. And as I evade past the choices I have, I realized, I have become someone who I should not be. I should perhaps try and fix the broken bridges and smooth the creases, yet, I realize, I cannot do any of those, for I honestly do not care for few and I cannot resurrect what has never been, in a few cases and few, I just am too ashamed to go back. I do not have the strength in me to forgive myself. And I also do not have the strength to forget. But I do have the strength to ask for redemption, of all the people, who have ever seen me as a friend and who have had the misfortune of being my friend. I am sorry, for being the person I have been.
So where do I go now? I ask this question of myself, over and over again.
I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone
My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating……..
And I don’t want to be anyone other than what I have been trying to be lately…
Jan 13, 2011
Welcome to Reality!
DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.
“These last few years have been the best, in my life. Waking up every day, because, for once, the reality is far better than the dreams, because of you. And the sleepless nights have been a bliss, thinking about you, whispering your words over and over, again and again, waiting for the night to be over, just to look at you the next morning. To see you smile, to know that I caused that smile, to feel it in my heart, that fond glow that embraces me. You are one person, who made all the difference in my life. And today, is the best day in my life. Watching you work for that dream has been a mangled expression of awe and pain. Though this means that it would push you half way across the world, knowing that you are pursuing your dreams and knowing that you are happy, will help me get through the days. You know, even though I am alone, there is this another person inside me, the person who is insanely in love with you. She remembers every second of the last few years. The distance matters little, when every nerve in her body screams your name and every time your name pops up, she is this glowing person who is very proud of you. She fully intends to give me company, so don’t you worry about me at all”, she said to her most favorite person in this whole wide world and the only person in her world.
He looked at the happiness on her face, wondering if anything he ever did will ever shatter that pride he heard in her voice, when she spoke his name. He endured the months of desperation and succeeded, thanks to her unwavering belief and today, when those dreams are this close to becoming a reality, he was torn between happiness and despair. He just took one step towards the dream and already, the past threatened to fade away. Clinging to the past would mean that the dream would remain a dream and pushing the past away, means that the reality will drown him. Past, he said that word over and over in his head. Every time he said that word, it was like a knife stab through his heart. The significance of that stab is not lost on him.
“Thank you, for everything”, he said, with an emotion that was too difficult to put in words.
She looked at him for a long time, wondering if something was wrong. She was lost in the moment of his glory, that she failed to notice the trepidation in his eyes. She could not explain the dread in her heart, yet, she knew that this day, she would not forget.
“What is it? Are you worried about us?”, she asked. He continued to look at her, unsure how to respond.
“We are going to be OK. We will work something out. Don’t worry”, she said, moving closer to him.
He stepped back. She stopped, taken aback. She looked at him, with comprehension in her eyes. “It’s over, isn’t it?”, she asked, with calm conviction.
He took a step closer to her. She stepped back and turned around. The ensuring silence deafening in her ears. For one moment, the world came crashing down on her. Was it a moment ago that she said that reality was too good to be in a dream. She has been wrong all along. She lived in a dream, seeing what she thought she saw. Because only in dreams, she was happy. She chased those dreams and the reality crept up on her. And now, the swallowing darkness has no light from any corner, to show a path. The darkness is much harsher, when the light that sparkled in that path extinguished. He was the light in the path she pursued.
She turned around. “Why?”, she asked and the whisper made that question a raging tornado in his heart. He looked at the emptiness in her eyes and he had no words to say, no words that would shun out the emptiness. He took another step closer to her. She stood looking at him.
“I’m sorry”, was all he could muster. She stood there, for a few more moments, trying to make sense of those words. Sorry for what? Sorry for taking away the life line? Sorry for inflicting the pain she never thought was possible? And he had the gall to stand there and look worried and hurt? She looked at him longer, anger creeping in. How dare he be sorry for her? How dare he threaten to feel sorry for the one thing that meant everything to her? How dare he, to take away the rationale in her pain? The pain that seems to be the only reality of her life, from now!
“Do you like to see me in pain?”, she asked with a tormented voice.
“No. No. No, that is not what I want. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want …”, he lost his train of thought at the expression on her face.
“Watch me learn to forget you”, she said and stormed out of the room, leaving him stunned.
He looked at her retreating back, knowing full well that he destroyed something very pure and sacred and he would be marred for the rest of his life in search of that sacred thing. He sighed. He underestimated her pain when he agreed that it was over and her words “Watch me forget you” did kill him. Unlearning an emotion is not an easy thing. For unlearning, she has to feel the emotion, relive it and then strip it inch by inch by inch, dying a thousand times and there is no guarantee that she would ever succeed and honestly, does he want her to do that? Does he want her to forget him? Does he want her to erase the best part of his life to nothingness? Does he want to be erased from her life? “Hell no”, he thought. Yet he would not do anything, not when there are his dreams that are at stake.
“Congratulations! You just took the first step towards your soul destruction. There, you see that? That girl was the best ever thing that happened to you and you think that your dream has any meaning without her? You will find out soon enough. Just when you find out, be sure to have a well padded body, for when you fall flat, you need some cushioning to take the pain”, his conscience mocked him. Just like that, the start of a wonderful life looked turbulent. Just like that, he stripped apart a life to pieces and he intends to construct his dream on the shattered pieces.
She walked out of the house and started walking to no where in particular. She could hear nothing and she could see nothing. The monotonous foot after foot took her in some direction, the road disappearing beneath her and suddenly she felt air whoosh past her, a truck barely missing her. She stood stock still and looked around. She was standing in the middle of a road with vehicles moving past her. She could hear the voices all around her.
“Mommy, ice cream” she heard some kid speak.
“Are you out of your mind? Move lady”, she heard someone yell.
HONK HONK… she looked around once more and started moving. Life moves on, every one else’s life moves on, except hers, for now! For now, her life has no meaning, no direction, no purpose, yet she has to move on and get on with life. She smiled sardonically.
“Welcome to the reality! For what its worth, your dream was great”, her conscience mocked!
--------------------------------------------
“These last few years have been the best, in my life. Waking up every day, because, for once, the reality is far better than the dreams, because of you. And the sleepless nights have been a bliss, thinking about you, whispering your words over and over, again and again, waiting for the night to be over, just to look at you the next morning. To see you smile, to know that I caused that smile, to feel it in my heart, that fond glow that embraces me. You are one person, who made all the difference in my life. And today, is the best day in my life. Watching you work for that dream has been a mangled expression of awe and pain. Though this means that it would push you half way across the world, knowing that you are pursuing your dreams and knowing that you are happy, will help me get through the days. You know, even though I am alone, there is this another person inside me, the person who is insanely in love with you. She remembers every second of the last few years. The distance matters little, when every nerve in her body screams your name and every time your name pops up, she is this glowing person who is very proud of you. She fully intends to give me company, so don’t you worry about me at all”, she said to her most favorite person in this whole wide world and the only person in her world.
He looked at the happiness on her face, wondering if anything he ever did will ever shatter that pride he heard in her voice, when she spoke his name. He endured the months of desperation and succeeded, thanks to her unwavering belief and today, when those dreams are this close to becoming a reality, he was torn between happiness and despair. He just took one step towards the dream and already, the past threatened to fade away. Clinging to the past would mean that the dream would remain a dream and pushing the past away, means that the reality will drown him. Past, he said that word over and over in his head. Every time he said that word, it was like a knife stab through his heart. The significance of that stab is not lost on him.
“Thank you, for everything”, he said, with an emotion that was too difficult to put in words.
She looked at him for a long time, wondering if something was wrong. She was lost in the moment of his glory, that she failed to notice the trepidation in his eyes. She could not explain the dread in her heart, yet, she knew that this day, she would not forget.
“What is it? Are you worried about us?”, she asked. He continued to look at her, unsure how to respond.
“We are going to be OK. We will work something out. Don’t worry”, she said, moving closer to him.
He stepped back. She stopped, taken aback. She looked at him, with comprehension in her eyes. “It’s over, isn’t it?”, she asked, with calm conviction.
He took a step closer to her. She stepped back and turned around. The ensuring silence deafening in her ears. For one moment, the world came crashing down on her. Was it a moment ago that she said that reality was too good to be in a dream. She has been wrong all along. She lived in a dream, seeing what she thought she saw. Because only in dreams, she was happy. She chased those dreams and the reality crept up on her. And now, the swallowing darkness has no light from any corner, to show a path. The darkness is much harsher, when the light that sparkled in that path extinguished. He was the light in the path she pursued.
She turned around. “Why?”, she asked and the whisper made that question a raging tornado in his heart. He looked at the emptiness in her eyes and he had no words to say, no words that would shun out the emptiness. He took another step closer to her. She stood looking at him.
“I’m sorry”, was all he could muster. She stood there, for a few more moments, trying to make sense of those words. Sorry for what? Sorry for taking away the life line? Sorry for inflicting the pain she never thought was possible? And he had the gall to stand there and look worried and hurt? She looked at him longer, anger creeping in. How dare he be sorry for her? How dare he threaten to feel sorry for the one thing that meant everything to her? How dare he, to take away the rationale in her pain? The pain that seems to be the only reality of her life, from now!
“Do you like to see me in pain?”, she asked with a tormented voice.
“No. No. No, that is not what I want. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want …”, he lost his train of thought at the expression on her face.
“Watch me learn to forget you”, she said and stormed out of the room, leaving him stunned.
He looked at her retreating back, knowing full well that he destroyed something very pure and sacred and he would be marred for the rest of his life in search of that sacred thing. He sighed. He underestimated her pain when he agreed that it was over and her words “Watch me forget you” did kill him. Unlearning an emotion is not an easy thing. For unlearning, she has to feel the emotion, relive it and then strip it inch by inch by inch, dying a thousand times and there is no guarantee that she would ever succeed and honestly, does he want her to do that? Does he want her to forget him? Does he want her to erase the best part of his life to nothingness? Does he want to be erased from her life? “Hell no”, he thought. Yet he would not do anything, not when there are his dreams that are at stake.
“Congratulations! You just took the first step towards your soul destruction. There, you see that? That girl was the best ever thing that happened to you and you think that your dream has any meaning without her? You will find out soon enough. Just when you find out, be sure to have a well padded body, for when you fall flat, you need some cushioning to take the pain”, his conscience mocked him. Just like that, the start of a wonderful life looked turbulent. Just like that, he stripped apart a life to pieces and he intends to construct his dream on the shattered pieces.
She walked out of the house and started walking to no where in particular. She could hear nothing and she could see nothing. The monotonous foot after foot took her in some direction, the road disappearing beneath her and suddenly she felt air whoosh past her, a truck barely missing her. She stood stock still and looked around. She was standing in the middle of a road with vehicles moving past her. She could hear the voices all around her.
“Mommy, ice cream” she heard some kid speak.
“Are you out of your mind? Move lady”, she heard someone yell.
HONK HONK… she looked around once more and started moving. Life moves on, every one else’s life moves on, except hers, for now! For now, her life has no meaning, no direction, no purpose, yet she has to move on and get on with life. She smiled sardonically.
“Welcome to the reality! For what its worth, your dream was great”, her conscience mocked!
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