Redemption

Forgiveness is divine, so goes the saying. I am not a forgiving person. I hardly ever forgive or forget. So eventually, I end up being lonely, because no one, including myself can ever live upto the high standards that I seem to aspire for. I cannot obviously, not live with myself, but rest all, who have been part of my life, who are part of my life have a tough time, when understanding why I am suddenly so cold or distant. But I cannot help that nature of mine. I take time to accept people into my life. I take time to trust someone. It is easy to break your heart, when unwanted people enter it and I don’t cope well with heart break. No one ever does. So, I am conscious. A friend of mine, once said, that I accept people too easily. That was way back, when I was fourteen. But I was not wrong then, my instinct has been right about her and we still are friends. The journey has not been easy with her, but we managed to walk for over ten years together.

I came a long way since the first time I heard that I accept people easily. I am sometimes hesitant about people, sometimes defensive and sometimes unkind. I have had all sorts of experience and however we try, sometimes, hearts must be broken. And when that happens, there is nothing much to do, except be broken and let the hurt sweep you all over and one day, when it is tired, it can help you catch your breath and you can start living again. That is just how it is. The glorified path of hurt only making you stronger, does not really work. Not really. There are no paths from pain. Except a deep tidal wave that engulfs you in a black hole. It will settle when it can and until then, you just have to deal with it. Of course, after that comes a better place and that is the happy place. I have had a share of my happy times too. The thing is, I have always been an introvert, with limited set of friends. Friends are not someone I take lightly nor do I call everyone a friend, just because I spoke to them a couple of times. Some people do that. So, I have to say explicitly, I do not say the word friend, lightly. And when I say a friend, all the shackles of self-defense are lost. Did I make wrong choices when I called people friends? Over the past few years, I have had my trust broken a million times and the people who should have been friends betrayed me. SO, yes, I made wrong choices. I made wrong choices and I paid for them, which made me even more choosy and set the bar that bit higher, so I would not be hurt. In this process, I lost confidence in a lot of people, people I care and love. And I did not make amends to fix whatever it is that pushed me away from them. Also along the line, I realized, I have not been a good friend either. I have lied by omission, which means I broke a trust. I have seen a friend go astray, which means I broke a promise. I have let a friend suffer alone, which means, I have not been there. I have let a friend take baby steps ahead and did not stand there, to witness it, which means I have not shared an important moment of his life. I have not indulged in a friend’s fantasy, I have been too uptight, which means, I have let myself be more important than that friend. I have not participated in friend of friend’s conversation, for I felt uncomfortable and out of place, which means, I have not had the chance to get to know the people who are important to him/her. I have put myself above others, which means, I cannot be a friend. Can I? When I feel such, why should I try to demolish the walls I constructed around myself? Am I not better alone, than be this selfish person?

I have realized, I have come a long way in life, but, I have just begun this journey. And as I evade past the choices I have, I realized, I have become someone who I should not be. I should perhaps try and fix the broken bridges and smooth the creases, yet, I realize, I cannot do any of those, for I honestly do not care for few and I cannot resurrect what has never been, in a few cases and few, I just am too ashamed to go back. I do not have the strength in me to forgive myself. And I also do not have the strength to forget. But I do have the strength to ask for redemption, of all the people, who have ever seen me as a friend and who have had the misfortune of being my friend. I am sorry, for being the person I have been.

So where do I go now? I ask this question of myself, over and over again.

I walk a lonely road, the only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes, but it's home to me and I walk alone

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating……..

And I don’t want to be anyone other than what I have been trying to be lately…