One tree hill became my latest addiction and when I started going through what is available online, my favourite character, Lucas Scott, played by Chad Michael Murray is no longer going to play in this soap, from Season 7 and it is a heart break for me and I am not really sure if I want to watch the season any more. The love that lasted tough times between Nathan and Haley might push me to perhaps catch an occasional episode, but for some reason, it just is not the same any more. This particular TV drama had me aching for the characters from the episode one. Leaving out the melodrama and the unspeakable story lines of few episodes, the voiceovers that quote from classics sometimes, leave me sleepless through the night. The plot evolves the characters decently, but rather sketchily for my taste. The byplays between characters is sometimes brilliant and sometimes rather sad. But, I enjoyed scripts that revolved around the sports, for they are a source of an inspiration. Watching a sports person’s career is like watching life in a capsule – the trysts, the disappointments, the choices, the hardships, the success, the failures, the fame, the attention and over all, the future that is forever changing and forever challenging and forever unknown. To see them succeed or give up or fail, is a lesson to one and all and when I started watching this, it was in the hope of finding an inspiration. But the show did not give me that, it just went on portraying the characters, sometimes disgustingly and sometimes brilliantly. Yet it stuck to me, as I wanted to know how these characters shall turn out as the life throws punch after punch. It also got me thinking about the life beyond the world I see.
I live in a world that is small and I see people with different perspectives. What choices made them who they are today? Are all the choices correct? Are they proud of those choices? Are the smiles behind their success true? Are the thoughts behind their words true? Are there hidden intensions behind every step forward? It is not easy to know anyone’s life but their own. And sometimes, I wonder, if I understand my life. The surrounding world has so many influencing factors that are not catered for, in the life plan. When I think of life ten years from now, I see a question mark. When I see it five years from now, I see a question mark. When I see it two years from now, I see a question mark. If I asked myself the same question, ten years ago, I would have dreamed of this day. And if I asked the same question, five years ago, even then, I would have said, I am still on course. Now that I ask this question, of myself, I go blank. It is like, one dream is realized beyond which there seems to be an emptiness I cannot handle. I try confronting the emptiness and I see nothing. I keep probing myself, pushing myself to dream about something else and I find myself lost in the nothingness. Sometimes in life, inspiration does not come from anything but oneself. Today, I seek inspiration from somewhere else. I try to see if there is one tiny ray of hope that shall pass me today, to perhaps push me in the right direction and I find myself disappointed. Not because I can’t find any outstanding achievements, just those achievements seem ordinary to me. Somewhere along the road, I lost the meaning of simplicity and somewhere along the road, I picked up a baggage that weighs me down and somewhere along the road, I forgot to stop and rest and stop thinking. Thought at some level intellectualizes everything. Like, relations. Too much thought and too little heart in a relation, just makes the relation cold. Like work. Too little thought spoils the growth, but no heart, makes one dissatisfied. There are no “for-sure” answers in life. And one has to find the answers to a lot of questions along the way. And along the way, perhaps, one has to realize that, it is not the answers to the questions that matter, but the questions themselves. Those questions mould the person into whatever they are. In search for the answers, they change their skin. Along the way, I also forgot the company of many people – parents, friends, well-wishers. Along the way, all lost the meaning, except solitude and questions. I still ask questions and have no one to answer. I still have people around me, just don’t really know if that should mean anything to me. It falls back to a thought I held close to my heart for a long time – “you are alone”. The thought of people in life, forever and till eternity just holds no meaning. When life is a question, what certainty can anyone give for forever?
The bonds shared by people sometimes just vanish, as though they never existed. The promises and words mean nothing but ash. All that is left is a bag full of questions and a heart that aches. At some point, the charade begins, where the smiles and affection becomes a fabricated exhibition rather than something that forms the core of everything. Along the way, there are no values that can be upheld, just a faint belief that echoes the certainty of truth, yet insufficient to hold any meaning. Along the way, there is no way forward, just a stop sign and an end.
A harsh reality.
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