Did you ever feel the tingle in your belly, when you wish to share your darkest fear with someone you love? Did you ever feel the disappointment waves when what you see does not meet your expectations? Did you ever feel, the need to shake that someone to show the world around you and ask them to move on? Did you ever feel the urge to run away to an island? Did you ever feel the need to implore to someone, to see your side of the argument, but let your pride decide its not worth it? Did you ever lie to the face of someone you love and felt that, that was the best truth you ever told? Did you every question right and wrong and still choose to do the wrong?
Some days are like this, rutting with emotions so high that the slightest nudge of drama pushes me to tears. When the world crashes on you and pushes you below it, how do you come out on the top? How do you push your way? pebble by pebble, rock by rock, dust by dust? Will that nudging pave a way to light eventually? Does persistence really pay? I honestly don't know. Some days are just a battle between wish and desire. Its so easy to give up, to just let yourself be swallowed by the unimportant and the important, losing way in the straight path, for the road never ends, making you wonder, is this the right path? Is this where you need to go? And then, life happens, as it sprinkles its golden dust, as the hope fairy sparkles for a second and in the hope of another, we move on, forgetting the thought of the right path.
Sometimes, I wonder, if its important to listen to that inner voice, that questions the path and not be succumbed to the flighty hope. But then, just listening to the voice does nothing, right? Paths diverse, challenging you to take a road unwalked. But then I am not Robert Frost, to take the road less travelled and claim that it made all the difference. I am just a somebody in search for some path that leads to my vocation. But where is that vocation? Is it down the path? Is it right next to me? Is it in an alternate path? How would I know? How does one go about searching for meaning in life, when questions lead to more questions and answers are mere mirages?
Healthy dose of questions make life purposeful, but when everything seems a question, is that not an answer in itself? Or is it? I Googled "Questions in life?" and came up to a blog post that said, "50 questions that will free your mind". Honestly, more than free my mind, it pushed me into a frenzy corner, where I hyperventilated! And then I Googled for "feel good thoughts" and realized that nothing can honestly help me, as each one only served me to question myself more and more. So, I sat and got down to what I usually do when I am down. Write and its been ages since I opened myself up. I guess, innately, there is this fear in me, that if I open up, I would only disappoint myself, as has happened so many times in the past, that I fear opening myself up equals disappointment. But today, I decided to shatter the locks holding me back. May be then I would be able to find some closure to what is bugging me.
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