Promise to myself

It is very important to remember how I feel today. The hurt that I feel right now, could swallow me, leaving me as a husk of a person that I am, that I aspire to be. Time and again, when I get into the comfort zone, falling back on being lethargic, there is this push from my conscience and the destiny seems to conspire with it to push me out of it. After all the hard work that I put in, it hurts to see that I cannot move forward from where I was. Every time I am caught up in work, I tend to forget that I work in a cut throat business, where 'I' am not important, what I do right now is not VERY important. My future value is diminishing every waking day , just as surely as I move to the closure of my life. I cannot afford to forget that, not for a waking second, if I want to be where I want to be. I am, but a microcosm in the bigger picture, one of the millions. Sure, I know my job, sure, I can do it with aplomb and so can a million others. Then, there are a million others who aspire to do what I do and are just hoping for a chance. So, what is it that I have done differently? What is it that is making me a cut above the rest? Do I know? Am I really a cut above the rest? And to be honest, I know I am not. But, times like these, I don't want to remember that. I need to focus this train of thought into me, to forget the rest, to forget everything else and remember what I vowed when I took my responsibility, that my goal is to be the best I can be, not the best there ever was and will be. I owe it to all the millions who are aspiring for a chance to use what I was given, humbly and justifiably, to my own eyes.  I need to remember to be thick skinned, to let go of the negativity, focus on my inner strength, to understand that working does not equate a success. Out there, there are no friends, no enemies, just people like me, who want to earn a humble bread for their dinner table. Some earn a feast, some earn mere bread, but at the end of the day, every single one out there is working for that piece of food to tuck into their tummies. If I want to eat a feast, I bloody well have to earn it. But, am I the one deciding, I get to eat feast today, I am to starve tomorrow? I bloody well am! I am the one steering my ship to the shore, I am using whatever is available to me to reach that shore. And I need to remember that. No one out there can make me feel belittled without my permission. But why is it, why in Sam's hell am I withering like a leaf, drifting through the wind? I know the answer. Because, for a moment, I relaxed. Yes, I confess, I let go for a moment, the reins I guard with sanctity. But, never again, never again will I be blindsided into feeling this sucker punch. And never again will I feel this cheated. That is a promise I make and a promise I intend to keep.