Good Luck Team India for T20 - year 2

For a change, seeing India being the favourites for the ICC world T20 championship kind of makes me queasy. For as long as I have watched cricket or I have at least followed the tides of Indian cricket, I do not remember them being tagged favourites. And the Indian cricket journey has been exactly like a tidal wave eager to rise and faster to fall, never reaching the shore, but showing great promise. Well, that cannot actually be an analogy coming from an Indian and certainly not a fan, but then, can’t help. The pessimism borne out of years of disappointment is hard to forget. The pandemonium of expectations, the miracle that seemed to have introduced the T20 to the world, the dream final, Sreesanth’s catch of Misbah, the almost slip and miss and the victory savoured, still remain fresh.

I hope to see good cricket, being the pessimist that I am, but I root for India and with a prayer on my lips, hope to see them victorious. More importantly, I would like to see the way our team shall evolve, what with the usual names like Sachin, Sourav, Rahul, Anil… all being a thing of past, or rather, all graciously fitting into the role of seniors, paving way to the exuberance and arrogance of youth. I hope this T20 will be as exciting as it was last year …. My only worry is that neither Sehwag nor Gambhir have been in their act and clearly that would be one of our gravest concerns considering that they are our celebrated opening pair and though Sehwag has always been unpredictable, it still is a cause of worry! I am not worried about finishers, for Dhoni, Yuvraj, Rohit Sharma all have the grit to go for the kill, but do they have it in them to take through to the winning run while chasing is something I will have to wait and watch! I shall borrow and trust Sachin’s words, “India seems to thrive on pressure…”, and since he has been a part of that team and know its workings, I will leave the subtle commentary of my little knowledge and wait for the time to roll on and show me the answers. 

Good Luck Team India!!

The Unknown! Dare to face me?

As long as I do not complete the circle of going insane, I guess I am holding up really well! Now, with this introduction you would already understand the state of my mind.

I know that the brain has something called left part and right part that ensures its functioning to a satisfying level. For me, I currently feel that there is a large cloud hovering over it, covering almost three-fourth of the brain and one-fourth peeking out from under this cloud. I also fear that the cloud is threatening to cover the entire brain effectively making me crazy, which would help me understand my growing apprehension about me going insane. When it is Friday, I fear the impending doom on the weekends and when it is Monday, I feel the tiredness of having taxed my brain cells to an almost useless level that I feel tired for the most part of the day, making me useless for the given day! But, today’s fear has nothing to do with today being a Friday and everything to do with the dark cloud hovering over my brain!

In my next life, if I am not getting a better IQ, I am going to sue the omnipresent, but for this incarnation, I think I should file a law suit for not giving me patience. Well, if it is any consolation, I take it in my stride, except on those days where I want to bury myself six feet under so that I would not cause an inconvenience to people round me.

I keep reminding myself that change is an unavoidable part of human life, but then, the change is not making me a better person. Apart from making me unnecessarily anxious, it also makes me timid, clueless, tired, and unhappy and a perfect example for a psychological study. I sometimes wonder if I need to take psychology as a part time course to understand myself better! Borrowing someone’s words, sometimes, I want to remove the lid on my head and take my brain out and keep it in a freezer and let it cool, while I enjoy the sanctity of the moment and then, replace it and pray it works well. All in all, not a bad idea, right? May be!

Now to the actual cause of the problem, I do not know what the problem is! The solution of playing an incident a thousand times counts nothing, for I do not remember the incident. Painting is not helping me either, for I am tending to draw some jumble of colors that make no sense, producing a macabre effect. Writing diary seems to have the same problem … for, I cannot actually write the problem, I am successful in writing the current state of my mind and unsuccessful in penning down the actual problem. This ‘syndrome’, if it can be called that, does it have a meaning?

...
I am not going down, not without a fight,
I am not giving up, not without a cause,
Coward that you are, dare to show your face?
You are not winning, helpless as I seem,
I still have fight in me,
With all my might, I challenge you,
Dare to show your face to me?

Flight while you can,
For when I unmask your hideous mask,
You will be plain and ridiculous,
And I will be your doom…

I confess that you are ahead in this race,
So smile, but the road is not at an end,
I might be behind, but don’t be complacent,
Forewarned that you are, I challenge you again,
Dare to win against me?

I have been there and I am still standing and never over the edge,
You are in my battle field, the one I own, my mind,
You thrive on my fear, but that won’t last long,
Coward that you are, you feed on my fear,
I know your secret, still think you are winning?
Think again!!!

Half battle lost is not half battle won,
The half is just an interval,
It won’t be easy now, for you,
For, I am going to beat you, black and blue,
Oh, don’t you mock!
I am still standing, ain’t I?
I will unveil your mask and I will unfurl your horror,
And I challenge you again, dare to face my might?

25 Random Things about me!

Chandu put me in a fix here and I guess, he put everyone of you who would be reading this into a fix too! Proceed with caution and at your own peril, but be warned, curiosity never saved the cat! (or something like that!)

Well, 25 things about me? May be that would be really boring! But then, I cannot resist the temptation of going back to the good old school days of filling up the slam book, just that now, I am more aware of what I am than I was a good nine to ten years ago. (God! Has it been really that long since I completed schooling? Well, makes me feel OLD!)

1. I adore Rahul Dravid. If there is one person I blindly admire it is him. (But surprisingly, I never thought that I need to meet him, even to catch a glimpse of him.)
2. My grand father has been a driving force behind me and I still have a tough time comprehending the fact that he is not around me to steer me forward!
3. My parents are the only people who ever loved me and I believe that from the bottom of my heart.
4. I hated computers and everything related to it and truly believed that they are a bane to the human existence. I don’t think I was wrong in that they do make the life tad bit monotonous, but then, what the heck, I am a software engineer and my day starts and ends with me sitting in front of computer! This is something I call an irony!
5. I wanted to be a part of Indian Military Force and that idea never actually left me until I was literally forced to take a Computer Science engineering seat forgoing my scholarship for Marine Engineering, for at that time the only thing that appealed about Marine Engineering is that I would be working on a Naval base and would be cruising on ships or camouflaged submarines. Well, even now I think that would have been a far better life!
6. I give the impression that I am a very reserved person, not easy to get along with. People generally are a bit scared of talking with me. (:O). I wonder if it is because they think I talk too fast!
7. I come off as a traditional, next door neighbour, until someone talks with me and realizes that I am far too independent to be called conventional.
8. I love reading books, particularly novels with action and adventure. Give me a book with an action packed drama and even a detonation cannot bring me back to reality! I tend to read a novel, not just as a hobby, but as an essential part of my daily life. I also read it to avoid the restlessness of my mind.
9. Fountain Head has been my favourite book till date and there still is no book that touched me as this book did. It was a present from my professor and I am indebted to him forever for that wonderful gift.
10. I either do something or I don’t, there is no middle ground for me.
11. I stick to my word, no matter what and because of this, I have no patience for people whose actions directly affect my promise to someone.
12. My anger lasts but a second. But in that one second there is an eruption that would put a volcano to shame.
13. People call me stubborn and arrogant, but they also call me sensitive and emotional. I always wonder how they all fit into a single definition of me!
14. I am not impulsive unless I am very angry and generally I go shopping, if I am maddeningly angry and spend senselessly on things that mean little an hour after purchase. But I do not regret it, the arrogant that I am, I stick by my choices and live with the consequences.
15. I tried singing, dancing, painting, running, badminton – before deciding I did not have much patience with singing and dancing or painting. I was a sprinter, to say the least and I played badminton well, before my love for books took most of my time that I hardly put foot before another without reading anything that is printed in the immediate vicinity, which lengthened the ten stride walk to my house from five minutes to twenty minutes!
16. I have an amazing ability to deal with my inner turmoil without disturbing people round me, in that, I used to run until I was out of breath and with no thought in my mind except exhaustion out of the physical exercise! I later turned to drawing complex structures on a paper focusing on drawing a three dimensional square/graphite from the largest to smallest. Now I simply replay the scenario in my head until the hurt or anger reaches a certain point beyond which it is just a thing of past.
17. Looking at me, it would be very difficult to understand what is going on in my head. And sometimes my friends wonder if I lost my mind, for my talks are as difficult as my thoughts.
18. When decided, I rarely heed to advise and am willing to eternal damnation than walk back on my thoughts. There is only one occasion I have ever done that and I am not very proud of it.
19. I do not forgive easy, neither do I forget.
20. I am my own friend, companion and I enjoy solitude. I am afraid of groups of people, not because I cannot get along, but because I am afraid they think I am being uncomfortable and try and make me comfortable, when they are making me more uncomfortable. I love my company and I enjoy being quiet and observing people than filling up minutes with tattle.
21. I am comfortable in silence, when it generally is treated as insult, I tend to think it more of a luxury.
22. A thousand things go through my head in a flash and I keep wondering why it does not explode!
23. I tend to be point blank that is not easily digested by all, which puts me in a sorry position more often than not.
24. I tend to get restless when I am inactive and then, I am my own nightmare, in that the growing restlessness gives impossible ideas that drive me and people round me crazy.
25. I do not use words easy and so if I am using a word with a strong meaning, it means that I want to convey that I have a strong feeling for or against a particular thing. A lot of people do not understand that and I tend to get frustrated because of it.

Well, that probably would have been a journal! I do not think any of the above would come as a surprise to anyone who would have talked to me for more than a couple of times! :)

Something else is more important than fear...

I was trying to change the look of my blog and decided I am not really cut out for creativity . I tried the templates offered, but somehow I am just not satisfied. Tweaking it either did not make their look wonderful. SO, guess, it is no surprise that I am back to the old one, which looks serene and pleasant. I am avid to change, yet, few things that are mine remain constant. Wonder why!

I was watching Princess Diaries today in Star Movies. There are lots of splendid words and mannerisms in the movie, but one statement stood out.

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”
It got me thinking, which is a very bad idea basically. But then, who would stop me?

Why think too much into the future that the present is blurred behind a mask of anxiety? Knowing that this is what I truly want, because this is what I believe in gives me the courage to stand tall and face the consequences of the decisions I take in my life. Knowing what is important at this point of time and acting on it and leaving the rest for the time to unveil is the best possible way to live a life. Why suffer every waking moment with indecisiveness? Why suffer every moment when every action I take will make someone or the other unhappy with my actions? And if that makes me self-centred, think again. I am just doing what I truly want because I refuse to torment myself for the rest of my life just to gain a momentary bliss or happiness. And I do not think it is wrong. It takes a great deal of courage to stand up for what you love. It takes even more courage to break into pieces the very mirror of love that you hold in your heart. The break will forever be visible, even when the mirror shatters into the tiniest possible pieces, love will show itself when you look at it, a thousand times multiplied. It takes greater amount of courage to turn your back on it and walk away in one piece.

Knowing what not to fear is another trick that life does not offer easy. I mean, how can one not fear the emotional bonding? How can one not fear that the love for one will break another? How can one not fear the consequences? Guess, that is why, however well one is prepared for life, there is always a surprise lurking round the corner, making it interesting. The one with mettle of steel walks though the surprise, while the cautious are left helpless and at the mercy of fate. Though the weight is not on, since being cautious reduces the problem to half, it also increases the journey’s length many fold, when every journey is for eternity! Guess that is why the cautious outlive the brave, for the brave run through to embrace the destiny through the dangerous curves of life!

MLTR - Complicated Heart

MLTR has been one of the best – but then two songs always stuck with me, Complicated Heart and Breaking My Heart.

Don't know what to say now, don't know where to start
I don't know how to handle a complicated heart
You tell me you are leaving, but I just have to say, before you throw it all away…

Even if you want to go alone, I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain, you can lean on me, my love will still remain

Don't know what you're thinking, to me it seems quite tough, to hold a conversation when words are not enough…
So this is your decision and there's nothing I can do, I can only say to you…

Even if you want to go alone, I will be waiting when you're coming home
If you need someone to ease the pain, you can lean on me, my love will still remain…
Even if you want to go alone, I will be still love you when tomorrow comes…
When you need someone to ease the pain, you can lean on me, my love will still remain…

Well, no surprise actually, if the lyrics are this beautiful, well, who cannot like it?

Surprising that when I want to write about something I love, I end up fumbling in the first step, like a post on Rahul Dravid. Words are just not sufficient to speak of the way I perceive them and any word I speak cannot aptly summarize my feel for a few things. Not all the time I can be sane to speak coherently for people to understand, but then, the more difficult it is for me to articulate, the easier for them to mis-interpret, I guess. But then, I resort to simple words when I need to talk about something that is very important to me, so, I will only say, I love this song. See, it simple, right? :D…

Progressive Circle

Hope, an unseen angel,
Despair, an unseen demon.
Hand in hand, do they walk,
Playing “in your shoes”, once every walk.

Martyrs are born, every waking dawn,
Some irrevocably, some circumstantially.
Sacrifice, should one say that,
Is it not a mere act of compassion?

Rumbles all round, scary and dark,
I see a tree shrivel, in the storm,
Strike of a lightning, and the tether broken.

Time moves on,
A tiny leaf sprouts,
And springs a tiny hope in despair,
Yet a hope that it might grow into a tree it once was!

My Role Model

For over a decade he inspired me. And the motivation came from within me. The moment I think of him, I know I need to fulfil a certain criteria before I can even say his name. And he is none other than “The Wall” of Indian Cricket, the unassuming Rahul Dravid.

Rahul (Dravid) stands for everything I want in my role model. The moment he played his first ball in England, I knew he was here to make a difference and since then, he never let me down. He stood there and he tied me to him. Even now, with criticisms in his way, he just bends his head and does what he knows best, he plays the game. Every person has his strengths and weaknesses and I will not be foolish enough to say that Rahul (Dravid) is an exception to this. But he plays to his strengths and works on his weakness and if there is one cricketer who ever stood up for the side and accounted for every single presence on the field, it is Rahul Dravid. Sachin (Tendulkar), Sourav (Ganguly), Anil (Kumble) are undoubtedly the legends of Indian Cricket, but in his quiet way he made his presence felt, with his perseverance, with his grit and above all, a self-belief. To sustain in the brackets of Sachin Tendulkar, the legend of Cricket, not just Indian Cricket, is not merely an achievement, but a statement that describes him. His innings in Kolkata was overshadowed by another classy act by Laxman, but he broke those shackles with his splendid knock in Adelaide. That innings was essential to the morale of the team and he did just that and he turned the fortunes of the team. Going on to win that game for the team, inspiring them to expect more than what they believe they are capable of, because the limitations to their ability was in their mindset and not in their talent. I do not think it is an understatement when I say that, his innings at Adelaide made a difference to the way world perceives Indian Cricket and the way the Indian Cricket team performed overseas. It brought in a definite change in the way Indian Cricket team perceived itself, if I may say so.

Going down to bat at number three, he stood there, worked around other people, built partnerships, ensured the foundation for the total. Surprisingly, many stripped him apart that he was slow, but then, fours and sixes do not define a scoring chart, at least not just fours and sixes. He built the partnerships, held an end like the captain of a ship caught in a storm, he gave the freedom to the player at the other end, to play with free mind, assuring him that he is still there to steer the boat in the right direction when needed. If there is any cricketer in the team, who can play for a complete day, it is Rahul and Rahul alone. None in the team can match his fitness and none can question his loyalty or commitment to the team. Even if the critics held disdain at his declaration when the master blaster was on 194*, when every other captain in the world would have waited for the team member to attain his personal milestone, I would back him for what he did, despite leading a way to speculation. We Indians are soft at the heart and are driven emotionally, but then, he was given a responsibility of being a captain of a professional side, and he was doing his job and his decisions need not satisfy every one.

Rahul (Dravid), to me is an improbable wall, who stands tall in the withering winds and delivers to the best of his ability. He does not make media statements, he does not let his emotions get the better of him and he does what he believes in doing. He puts his head down and bats and scores the runs in the way he is comfortable in, keeping in mind the necessities of the team as he views the best. He understands his game and he plays to his strengths, and works on his weaknesses. He is a perfectionist, I dare say. I like him for that. He knows what he is doing and does it without too many complications. “When I am tired, I look at the dressing room and I think I need to do it for them.” - Post-match comment from him on his adventures after Kolkata third day play. That alone is sufficient to speak volumes of him.

When I look at him, I know that if at all he claims himself to be a role model, he would expect nothing but relentless pursuit for continuous improvement and consistent effort to exceed self-expectations. He would certainly want his admirers to demand the best from themselves and stand up and vouch that they have done so. That is why I admire him. He leads by example, never taking his success for granted. He bends his head down and his only answer to any professional criticism is his uncanny ability to accept constructive criticism and keep doing what he does best, deliver in the way that counts, every single time, despite the odds. He believes in himself to stand tall and deliver and let everything else slide. When I look at him, I know that I need to stand up for the values he poses if I need to lay a claim that I admire him. If at all, there will be a day, when I would meet him, I would proudly say that I admire him and have the satisfaction of uttering those words. There might be zillions of people who might have said that, but I alone will know, that I have lived for the values he commendably displayed. No matter how many stars India shall produce, Rahul ebbed an impression on me that will last for a lifetime. I might admire many others, but none would match the fierce loyalty I have for him. Rahul Dravid is my “Gita” and I am proud of him and for everything he stands for.

An insight in the middle of a hot summer!

How can one honestly devoid themselves of any emotion when one spends close to half a day in the office and probably only return to the house for a nap?
Despite your best effort to smile, all you want to do is rip someone’s head off when that someone is a constant reminder of a failure in a part of your life. The situations when the stab is painful and deep, how can you be professional, if it means that you need to close your eyes to the very revolt your conscience hurls at you? Wonder what professionalism would be when your heart and mind are imbalanced! If professionalism is an overrated concept, then ethics are the most underrated concept. Just because we take a penny home for every working hour (honestly, how many hours of the working day are accounted as professional work?), should the ethics one upholds as a person be thrown out of a window? Or are there separate set of ethics that are to be remembered in a corporate environment?

And more importantly, what is in your heart is the one that translates into your work and if your heart is crying out loud to shut yourself up how can mind focus and show the output? The advise to hang the worries to the gate outside the office and be fresh to start anew can go for a toss. Personally, life treats and tests you in ways that are least expected and every time you pray for being emotionally strong, you are thrown a challenge that is emotionally challenging and personally distressing. Valuing the experiences of the past, yet nothing can match the trauma of a new problem, right? Life teaches a lesson every day. With its fangs as long as a giant serpent, it lashes out its venom that takes a superior effort to soothe over. And most of all, the will to forgive oneself, that is the most difficult of all to find. The will to look at yourself in the mirror and state that the miracle of time is its immense ability to give you a chance to forget itself takes courage beyond words. And most importantly, if the hurt keeps digging you in, how can you find the philosophy and attitude to look into yourself deep within to understand the fairness of life? The chance to win fair and square in life is impossible, for what is right to you is wrong to another. Between the struggle of what is yours and what you think is yours, half the battle is lost. And if there is any further will to win, then the look out for well-wishers support to pull you through will only cause a further distress. There are no well-wishers or friends and there certainly are no soul-mates. Everything is just a whim caused by the myths of a mind that has no ability to think on its own.

Owing to circumstances one stutters in life, but to blame circumstances for a failure is your own fault. The courage to stand up for what you believe in requires tremendous amount of confidence and an unmovable faith in your belief. It also requires the spine to not bend for the storms raging outside the window and the tornados that whisk you away. And also, a drop of love. Tiny and immeasurable, yet the only potion that can stir in some flavor and charm to give you strength when things don’t go in your favor. But, where can I find love? I guess that is the puzzle and the right answer is the door to paradise. Your personal paradise.