The Unknown! Dare to face me?

As long as I do not complete the circle of going insane, I guess I am holding up really well! Now, with this introduction you would already understand the state of my mind.

I know that the brain has something called left part and right part that ensures its functioning to a satisfying level. For me, I currently feel that there is a large cloud hovering over it, covering almost three-fourth of the brain and one-fourth peeking out from under this cloud. I also fear that the cloud is threatening to cover the entire brain effectively making me crazy, which would help me understand my growing apprehension about me going insane. When it is Friday, I fear the impending doom on the weekends and when it is Monday, I feel the tiredness of having taxed my brain cells to an almost useless level that I feel tired for the most part of the day, making me useless for the given day! But, today’s fear has nothing to do with today being a Friday and everything to do with the dark cloud hovering over my brain!

In my next life, if I am not getting a better IQ, I am going to sue the omnipresent, but for this incarnation, I think I should file a law suit for not giving me patience. Well, if it is any consolation, I take it in my stride, except on those days where I want to bury myself six feet under so that I would not cause an inconvenience to people round me.

I keep reminding myself that change is an unavoidable part of human life, but then, the change is not making me a better person. Apart from making me unnecessarily anxious, it also makes me timid, clueless, tired, and unhappy and a perfect example for a psychological study. I sometimes wonder if I need to take psychology as a part time course to understand myself better! Borrowing someone’s words, sometimes, I want to remove the lid on my head and take my brain out and keep it in a freezer and let it cool, while I enjoy the sanctity of the moment and then, replace it and pray it works well. All in all, not a bad idea, right? May be!

Now to the actual cause of the problem, I do not know what the problem is! The solution of playing an incident a thousand times counts nothing, for I do not remember the incident. Painting is not helping me either, for I am tending to draw some jumble of colors that make no sense, producing a macabre effect. Writing diary seems to have the same problem … for, I cannot actually write the problem, I am successful in writing the current state of my mind and unsuccessful in penning down the actual problem. This ‘syndrome’, if it can be called that, does it have a meaning?

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I am not going down, not without a fight,
I am not giving up, not without a cause,
Coward that you are, dare to show your face?
You are not winning, helpless as I seem,
I still have fight in me,
With all my might, I challenge you,
Dare to show your face to me?

Flight while you can,
For when I unmask your hideous mask,
You will be plain and ridiculous,
And I will be your doom…

I confess that you are ahead in this race,
So smile, but the road is not at an end,
I might be behind, but don’t be complacent,
Forewarned that you are, I challenge you again,
Dare to win against me?

I have been there and I am still standing and never over the edge,
You are in my battle field, the one I own, my mind,
You thrive on my fear, but that won’t last long,
Coward that you are, you feed on my fear,
I know your secret, still think you are winning?
Think again!!!

Half battle lost is not half battle won,
The half is just an interval,
It won’t be easy now, for you,
For, I am going to beat you, black and blue,
Oh, don’t you mock!
I am still standing, ain’t I?
I will unveil your mask and I will unfurl your horror,
And I challenge you again, dare to face my might?