Ganesha, do we have a deal???

I am ridiculously looking forward to the Ganesh Chaturdi. Been a long time since I looked forward to something and it comes as a refreshing wave to have something to look forward to. He is trusted to stop the obstacles in their way at his very thought and since I want to start on a fresh chapter in my life, (no wedding bells, yet, before someone would ask!!!, just the general belief coincidentally: When you fall flat and have no where to go, look above and help will be there), I think, tomorrow would be the best day to start it. Wish me luck people!!!

Today has been one of those days, where I started off pretty well and all of a sudden went down for some unknown reason. I went to office, (no, my manager is not killing me, YET, but probably WILL, sometime in the future ) and had no mood to work, tried doing it for about three hours before I gave up knowing that, what would take an hour, would take a day, with the mood I was in, so went out. Books are probably the only things that connect to me so well that they can lift me from any dump to ecstasy and this new bookstore should have made me ecstatic, to be surrounded by something so very personal and enjoyable, yet there was something that was weighing me down, as a last good bye to a dear friend, the feeling, the emotion. Cannot say why or what, just that wave of nausea that seems to have ripped into me. for some unknown reason, the thing that always offered me comfort unsettled me even more! But anyway, it was a passing cloud and I am back to normal.

Ganesh chaturdi has been my favourite festival of sorts and I don't know who looks forward to the delicacies, him or me!! I love to decorate the idol. Wonder if he would be tired of the worship though(9 days, obviously he would be tired!)! But, then he must be tired already, to listen to the chants, those that he can swat with a hand and rest while his heart searches for a soul who truly needs his presence for something really vital. Anyway, I just want to remind him that I have already placed my application and will be flagging him down tomorrow and I would be enthralled if he could accept mine and bless me with the tiniest portion of warmth in the lives of me and my family. And give me the strength and will to sustain impulses (so against my type) and live a life (this is something I do normally, but I would give anything for a hormone called compassion and empathy in my blood) and bless me with patience (which is so unlike me too). So, Ganesha, do we have a deal? Please say, yes!!!

Mr. Lonely - Akon

I have been listening to this song since morning and I cannot get around the part of

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,..

I don’t know who sung this part in the song, but the bit is simply catchy. Rest of the song is good too… but then, what exactly is that voice or what is that sort of singing called? :)

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

Yo, this one here, goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got that one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her, I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin and

I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, I jus want u to call my phone, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl I didn't mean to shout, I want me and you to work it out, I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy cuz...

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

Love aaj kal

Love aaj kal – kind of gave me mixed feelings. Leaving out the direction, the songs and even the story, the theme was good enough for me. Few of the dialogues in the movie were simply superb and the contrast in the love of the previous generation and this generation was aptly portrayed, but, the conclusion that love shall remain was a bit of an off to the theme perhaps. If the movie is talking about two people practical enough to make wise decisions, it also shows that those practical decisions are not worth it, for at the end of the day, once their ambitions or the practicalities are stripped bare, then, eventually the loneliness creeps in and causes a mess that none would be too happy to deal with.

The movie is about two people who fall in love with each other in London. The typical “today’s” love that starts with coffee and ends with a “good bye – can’t commit” sort. Meera (Deepika Padukone) and Jai (Saif Ali Khan) walk into this relation, which would be called dating. They walk around, hand in hand for sometime and finally realized that their destinies are different and be practical about the relation. The girl wants to go to India to renovate the old forts, buildings etc etc and Jai wants to go to San Francisco to construct bridges (literally). So they part with a bang, throwing a huge party to all their friends. A comic scene :D. And at the end of the party was the farewell hug and a drop of the tear (SIGH). In the middle of the night, walking on the streets with his friends, Jai wants coffee, which basically is the closing time for café’s around and his friends manage to speak about his broken heart and the owner, who, as expected, was an Indian, who understands the heart break and insists that the café be open. Enter the older version of Saif Ali Khan, Veer played by Rishi Kapoor, into the scene, and his love saga told in bits and pieces which was irritating, but also interesting. It was irritating because the movie blends both the older generation and the younger generation’s love, with no specific pattern, interesting because it is nice to observe the differences. From this point onwards, the movie starts the swing of the pendulum from old to new, from ecstasy to depression, from success to tears, from marriage to departure, from love to despair and finally to conclusion. Phew, that was some stream of emotion!!!

Meera moves to India, but continues to be in touch with Jai. Jai walks around London, getting to know Veer’s love story and finding a new girl friend, Joe. Meera finds a new boy friend, Vikram, who is her co-worker and boss. Jai finally comes to India along with Joe, dumps her in a hotel and meets Meera and for the duration of the stay, they keep meeting without telling their respective dating partners. On the new year’s eve, in a private party, Meera and Vikram are sitting at a table, with Vikram talking about something and Jai walks into the party with his girl friend Joe and takes a table closer to them and Meera and Jai communicate through SMS!! Ridiculous! But, after a few minutes in the party, they meet anonymously when Meera says that Vikram proposed her and asked her hand in marriage. Jai reacts in a typical way, the usual, ok, it is just a proposal, not that you are getting married, sort. Meera lashes out saying, they cannot meet and they cannot talk, typical girl talk! Jai asks why (duh!!). She says, she is thinking of marriage and if he was near her, she cannot open her heart to someone else (wow! Splendid!). So, they break up, yet again!

After a little more of the drama, Jai gets an invite for Meera’s marriage. He attends it and again (I am getting tired of this rendition!), meets Meera privately. This is the killer of the scenes. The guy speaks about his love for her (although not typically sentimental), but says that he is alright and again says he is not alright and leaves the place. Meera on the other hand, walks into Vikram’s life and a day later says that she needs to go to Jai and sort out the issue. She was unclear as to why she had done whatever she had done, but she needs to talk it over with Jai, else she is doing a mistake again. Is it as easy as that? To walk out on a marriage (??) and she leaves to meet him. On her way, she gives a call only to hear that Jai has got an offer in San Francisco! SO, she lets go of him! (How, romantic! Why can’t people realize that any sacrifice is useless?). Jai is in San Francisco, doing his dream job and in a single song, he rises to the heights and ends in despair after realizing that he realized his dream, but something is not quite right! Wow, did the lightning strike him then? So he comes back to India, only to find her waiting. To cut the long story short, they meet and marry and if there is a happily ever after, well, perhaps, they lived happily ever after!

Why such a blatant story is a hit is something I cannot understand. I mean, if you want to show the practicality of a relation, ideally the girl should have continued to live her life, not that love is essential to sustain a marriage, c’mon, how many ‘love’ relations end in marriage? Ideally or logically, the guy should have met someone and lived his life, end of story! But no, they have to bring in the senti stuff of love and one love for one life and etc etc.

What I liked about the movie was its realistic approach to the dialogues of a typical guy afraid of commitment, of a typical girl of today, independent and individualistic, the talks of the couple – literally a page borrowed from the youngsters love in a pub and finally the mutual parting. (This is the current trend!). It could not effectively portray what would happen when the decision is taken in the wrong time. What is Vikram’s life now? How can Meera walk in and walk out of that relation, just like that? What was Jai thinking to walk back into her life after five years? Was he expecting her to wait, if not, what would she be going through to see him, yet not choose him?

Why are the people in love so damn confused to not know their heart? To not know its own beat? To not know where their happiness lies? Why is it that they can realize only when the things get out of hand? Why do they rush into a relation only to realize they cannot hold it and start a conflicting set of emotions in their lives? Why not just go along with life and make it beautiful than tangle in a mess called love? Love, but not commit, marry but not love, commit but not marry – how can they have so many different meanings? Either my mind is too warped with the concept of love as it exists today and it seriously needs some reconsideration! Perhaps, there is no love as such, just flings for an attractive human. There is no heart in today’s relation, there is practicality and walking martyrs and perhaps that is the reason they cannot realize love even when it is bare in front of the eyes and run around the sour grapes hanging high above. Today’s generation have careers, ambitions, secured houses, life insurances, medical claims, car loans, house loans, pubs, restaurants, friends, malls – the artificiality bought and spent, but, when all these take a cut, what remains is an empty hulk in a walled chamber, where a wet tissue does not wipe the tear, a foundation cannot mask the scar or the wrinkle and a peg cannot soothe the raging heart! And when all these begin to ache, the questions haunt and life is hell and then, they realize it is too late!!! Modern society, culture, independence, money – all are equivalent to crap, when the heart is silenced!

(God has given this generation brain and nothing more – or something like that was the dialogue in the film, how true!!)

Hmm… note to self – do not think! Not worth the time or the effort!

I am Happy!!

Hmmm. Thank you for all the warm souls who cared enough to give me a call and find out what the heck is wrong with me and this post is exclusively for them.

Like a cool breeze that gives in a spurt of free air in the midst of a hot summer, the beauty sleep in its regal self visited me last night and I slept for a damn straight 12 hours. I slept at 9:10 and woke up at 8:45 today morning with absolutely no thought to spare in my mind and I am glad that I got this sleep. I never knew I missed it :). So, the first thing I am doing is post this, to share my happiness. And my mind better be in form today, else I shall sue it for non-cooperation!!!

Have a bright day ahead….

'I will' to 'I want'

A few years ago,
Some Day:
“Daddy!!! I want to be a star!”
“Why?”
“Stars twinkle, stars are bright and stars make me smile.”
“OK.”

Another Day:
“Dad! I will be a teacher!”
“Why?”
“I don’t have to do homework.”
“OK”

Some Another day:
“Dad! I will be a pilot.”
(SIGH – inaudibly) “Why?”
“Because I can fly!!”
Smiles, “OK”.

As days passed, these conversations of ‘I will be’, became distant. I wonder if he still waits around to see me walking into the room, filled with conviction, saying, “Dad, I will..., because of so and so”. With coming up of age and the convictions becoming more pronounced, the “I will”, became, “I want” and the will to do something transformed to a want of nothing! I wonder if he still awaits this incessant change of heart of a young kid, his young kid. Does he know that his little girl still remains his little girl and will forever remain like that, no matter what I would be or where I would be? Does he wish that I remained a little kid who slept on his belly or cuddled closer to him in the sleep with arms round his neck? Perhaps not! But he might wish that I would some day walk into the room and say, “I am this and I will be this”, rather than asking of him, “I want this.” Perhaps, he is waiting for a change of heart and a jubilant smile!! (SIGH)

!!An interesting Conversation!!

I have a big problem. I can’t sleep. I just cannot. I am tired of sleeping, perhaps, but can any human be tired of sleep? I suppose not, which brings a most basic question, what am I, if not human! The last I slept fitfully was last Thursday and since then, I had four hours of sleep, including the weekend. Can anyone try and explain me the reason why I cannot sleep? I see the time and it is four, sometimes five and I literally force myself to close my eyes and sleep, else I would have a horrendous day at office, but no, my mind refuses to tire and my eyes refuse to relax. It is not like I am not tired, I am, but sleep just eludes me and if you ask, what the heck am I doing at that hour, unable to sleep, well, I try my best to sleep and if it isn’t working, I roam around the house for a few minutes and then stand in the balcony and then open a book. I cannot concentrate, so I leave it and plug in my ipod. I perhaps should have had all the songs by-hearted by now, but then, I am no singer, so, it does not matter. I could perhaps bug a few people online, there are enough insomniacs lurking around, but I am in no mood for a company, nor am I gonna give them a good company, so I guess, I did not bother. But, just last night, I saw a friend online, and I hadn’t spoken with him in a while, so thought of irking him and well, the conversation went on to be the most intriguing and perhaps difficult conversations of all. I seem to see a perspective, different dimension and above all, my mind seem to start working exponentially and well, needless to say, I did not sleep. I am dead tired, yet, I just cannot close my eyes!

The gist of the conversation, that kept me sandwiched between a volcano and a storm (literally), was about love, the most coveted topic and interestingly, being a guy, he tends to take a more practical approach (not all guys are like that), which had me thinking. For me, love is a commitment, to be bonded with that person, for ever. This, people would say is marriage. Perhaps. But when one says, “I love you”, they are unequivocally surrendering their very essence to that person, irrespective of the times, they move forward in a unified journey, or so, I believe. But, he said, that is marriage, not love. Now, I have to ask, if there is no love, why marry? But then, he in turn asked me, parents have two children, do they love both of them? Well, paternal love is different, but since I have had no experience, I cannot say if they have favourites ;). But then, parents and lovers are two different beings. So he in turn asked, if love, according to me, had different meanings. Now, this has me stumped. The very essence of love, is not different. But the perspective of holding it with my guy and my parents would certainly be different. I don’t think it is possible to love someone on an equal level as someone else. I might perhaps understand the concept of letting go, but not the concept of commitment on various levels. So, he asked me, instead of loving, you strike a deal. This had me squirming a bit. How true! Because I believe that without commitment, why love and if it is commitment, how can you accept someone else into your life? which means, I am inevitably forcing the person I love to give me a commitment, which is the only way I can accept love, which means, I am actually writing some sort of an emotional contract. But isn’t this so wrong? I mean, supposedly, love should wish the best of another person and if that person’s best lies in being away from you, should you not let go? Well, I am OK with letting go, as long as I bore no interference from that person in my life, even a glance! And I will not accept someone in my life in his place. I will remain as a shrine to his soul. Then he asked, so you would punish yourself, by living alone. How can that be punishment? Even if it is punishment, it is not as hard as accepting someone else and waking every moment, knowing this is not what I want.

If you are not in love, why marry? Is it that simple though? Marriage involves factors that love does not! Perhaps. But to cheat myself that I will eventually fall in love with someone would be stupidity. If, I ever will have to marry, against my will, to a person of not my choosing, I will be there, for him, for I have promised him my support with all the earthly elements as witness and I will walk with him through walks of life, with no complaints or requests. No love is unrequited and if he loves me, perhaps, my cold heart might beat again, but if he doesn’t care to love me, he doesn’t care enough to want to be loved, so it makes little difference, if I love or don’t and the marriage will last, as a testimony to the thoughtlessness of the societal pressure. In this sense, am I a bonded labour? To be there, with him, with no love, but because I promised? But then, to love one and to marry one, is that not bonded labour? But he says, love is a fantastic feeling and your heart flutters at your lover’s presence. I wonder!!! Well, filmy or romantic, but certainly a myth. People have too much time in their hands and fantasize themselves in a make believe world of their loved ones and think, they are the most beautiful and fantastic creatures existing on the planet, until the monster reality strikes and kicks under the shins to bring in the monstrosity hidden in that fantasy. Marriage need not mean love and love perhaps need not be the basis for marriage, but without love, there is no marriage and without marriage there is nothing to love. You love a person, you move around with him and then, suddenly the lightning strikes you and you realize, shit, I can’t do this, this will be difficult, then it is not love. The physical intimacy is one part of the story, but the other parts, the shared moments of togetherness, the shared visions – they are a part of life and are personal, you can share such intimacy with one and you cannot divide it to different people at various levels. To think you can do that, would be foolish. What about one side love? Just because it did not end in commitment, you cannot take away the feeling that person held for another. No, I cannot. And to think, I would be ok, if he does not love me back, is certainly no answer, for I am not benevolent. But, if he does not love me back, I would accept it, for I am not expecting him to love me back. But, I wont or cant accept the in between, the baseless standard, that I am there for you ,with reservations, that I am with you, until this happens. Pure crap! You are there or you are not. To say, you did not give me a chance, well, you have not tried enough to get a chance. To say, you are not allowing me to speak, well, you did not attempt to make me listen. To say, I tried, well, not enough. You want something, you cant stand high handed and expect it to fall at your feet. Have some spine and bend your back and carve your way in. but then, the egos of the species called homosapiens can damn well be doomed to hell, they can live alone than bend their fucking ego (pardon my slang, but I did no find any strong word to use !) and ask for a hand.

Phew!! That was some conversation, with no conclusive thought, but it made me think a lot. Particularly, are you not striking a deal! How true!

Never ending midnight

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

-------------------------------------------------------

She sat on the window sill, holding a knife in her hands and looking out of the window. A tear glided down her eyes.

He looked at her from the opposite house. He stared at her intently, his face contorted with anger. He wants to rip him to pieces with his bare hands, but he knew he would not commit himself to it, not while she cared enough to drop a tear for him, not while she cared enough to hurt herself beyond endurance loving him. One day she might outgrow that and that day, he would kill him, even if it would damn him to eternity. But until that day, he will have to sustain the pain her anguish brought to his heart, until that day, he will have to silently will her to live, for her survival is a prerequisite to his existence.

Unaware of another aching heart, she contemplated suicide. As tears dropped down her eyes, her mind opposed the revolting idea while her heart willed to end this endless desert of unhappiness. She hugs herself closer and as the parched earth craves for a drop of rain, she yearns for her love, knowing that the longing is unrequited and that her life is a never ending midnight.

In a futile attempt, he reached out to hold her, to comfort her. He kept staring at her, willing her to endure it, though he saw little sense in that pain. As long as she cares enough to weep, he will have to will her to endure it!

Would it be futile?

Dreams are the interpretations of one’s subconscious mind. What we keep thinking through and through, transforms into a dream and creates a dejavu experience. But, then, at the end of the day, the point is, they are the product of the thoughts in one’s mind. But, we cannot control these subconscious thoughts any more than we can control the flow of air! So, I wonder, would it be a futile attempt to control one’s life beyond a given day, for, if we cannot control a simple thought that originates in our mind, how can we control the time that is beyond anyone’s control? And how can we control life that seems to be proportional to time, in that it ages through time with little clarity as to what it would be tomorrow! And how can one aspire to control someone else’s emotions or feelings, when one cannot control their own thoughts?

It is one of those days, where thoughts just rip through your mind and one of those days you end up feeling totally hideous… I cannot seem to stop thinking, though I am sitting at my desk and have tons to do, but nothing seems to register beyond the altercations in my mind. And it is these days I wonder, if I am a professional, at all!!! Again, the concept of professionalism is too overrated. I wonder, to be a professional, should one close out heart and open only the mind, but then, if my heart is not in it, it being whatever it is that I am doing, then I am no more than a goat at a master’s command and I certainly cannot be like that!

Anyway, the question that is now bothering me is, should one aspire to plan for life or take it as it comes? If we take life as it comes, can one succeed in life? Does taking life as it comes, mean that we need not plan for anything? Then what are goals for? What are objectives for? To aspire, to lead, to win, to gain fame – shouldn’t all these just go into the “let them come” phase of life? Why bother with trivialities when we cannot control the next minute? Can someone answer this?

!!Marriage!!

I am listening to the rhythm of the matrimony (holy matrimony). In the first place, why is it holy? Is it because, our culture believes that the match is made in heaven and hence it is called holy? I always wondered if marriages are made in heaven, why do they end unhappily or sustain unhappily. OK, marriage is nothing but the commitment two people promise each other, that they would stick together through thick and thin and if possible through to the death bed. I hope I am right. But then, can all the couples work out a relation?

Our culture only speaks about getting the couple together, but what should happen incase they are unhappy being together, is not spoken out loud. And perhaps it is because there tends to be a belief that there exists only one person for each person, the thought that there might be a possibility of unhappiness in that relation did not occur to anyone to document or preach. We grow up looking at the couples who survive with unhappiness because they are tied to each other and if the person cannot take it any more, we hear about suicides. Why is it so difficult to let go of a person? We cling to a person as though he/she is the only hope left. When there is no trust in each other, why cling on? When the relation gives only unhappiness, why should we bother taking a step further, together? I think, the habitual sustaining around the person kind of makes the concept of moving away difficult, the change being the most difficult to digest.

SIGH… marriage seems to be a concept that is tricky and tiring to me. I cannot help but say that it makes little sense to me. Though it is nice to have a companion to share yourself, if the companion is the cause of pity in your life, should such companion exist in life? In our society, there is no individual life, everyone’s life is everyone’s and perhaps that is the reason there is no peace for a person who wishes to be alone. It is so difficult to accept the concept of individualism, since the indifference is treated as a brutality! Wonder what sort of relation it is, if it sticks as an obligation to that someone to whom you committed or because of the fear of the societal crows! Marriage as an obligation is a treason that should never be committed! And a relation that starts with an ounce of doubt should not take a step further into that commitment.

Magadheera

Ha.. Magadheera is a film, basically driven by a love aged 400 years. I heard love defying age, but defying time, must be true love, if it ever exists! Man, the heroism in a man has a new definition as a person who does mindless stunts.

The opening of the film is one of the worst openings of all. C’mon, the hero literally pushes the bike up at the height of 20 feet and then somersaults and lands on the vehicle from 25 feet and then lands the vehicle on the ground! Well, I am unsure if it can actually be done, but then, I know little of stunts on bike! But, well, it was an opening of a telugu film and I knew I was in for a good laugh from that moment. The hero can defy physics and law of gravitation too. And the heroine entry, wow, you GOT to give it to the director! The electricity literally sparks between the hero and the heroine and the very touch of her is sufficient to flutter his heart. What starts of as a jovial start went on to become hilarious when the flash back started.

The protagonist, Bhirava, is a guardian of the kingdom and the scene in which he needs to defend the pride of the prodigy of the king, the fight was almost pointless. What is it with a horse ride on a desert (WHITE DESERT!!!) to bring the scarf of the queen? And supposedly it is the battle of the two most eligible bachelors and it was shown as a game show. Give some credit to the actors and the fight masters and show a damn fight! No, it has to be a ridiculous horse ride. A war hero should have his name etched in the stone and a war hero is a hero not because of his stupidity, but because of his valour and courage and strength and above all, intelligence. You cannot portray a hero, when the opponent is a dummy actor who knows nothing about a fight. A hero’s valour is only as good as his opponent and here, in this film, the opponent is shown as an egoistical maniac, obsessed with the queen and an immoral creature. The hero on the other hand is an embodiment of loyalty, who willingly sacrifices his love for his responsibility. And the flashback fight where the hero supposedly kills about a 100 soldiers, well, if it was an imitation of the stunt in ‘300’ movie, it was a cheap imitation. The fight could have had some plan, but it was shown as a one man fight and ridiculously about a heroic valour. What good is a hero if he can chop the head of a foot soldier as though he cuts a vegetable. Aren’t soldiers supposed to have the strength and spine and hard muscles or are my convictions about a soldier wrong? Fine, may be a handful of soldiers on a narrow path, but a hundred, who have spears, bows and arrows, knives and the hero only has a single knife and no sheath to offer any protection, yet he manages to kill and that, to me, is the most hilarious of all the scenes.

The songs, well, thankfully, (Mr.) Charan can dance, else, they would have been the worst of Mr. Keeravani and the lyrics, well, I don’t even want to talk about them. The artists though show a credible performance, the movie did not live up to the hype that was given and certainly, the direction is not satisfying personally. Why can’t we take movies which temple the heroism in a man, as it should be, strong and with spine. If it is about a kingdom, please do not insult a hero by placing an unworthy opponent. And to think I heard that Chiranjeevi (sir) can now step aside, please give me a big break. Chiranjeevi sir, has a presence on the screen. When he dances, you want to get out of that seat and do a step or two. The cheerful eyes or the small smile at the corner of the lips, the way he engages you and binds you is impossible to beat and Charan Tej, with all due respect to his dancing and acting, has a long way to go. He has a splendid rhythm, but he still, does not have the screen presence. With age, it might improve, but for now, no comparisons with the megastar. I should say, there should be no comparisons at all. Chiranjeevi sir is an unchallenged king in his time and Mr. Charan needs to earn that respect and he has a long way to go. His acting was tolerable, but it could be much more dramatic, because the movie or the situations in the movie demanded it. The romance or the class appeal or the mass appeal, require a lot of improvement. The last song when the credits are rolling was the best of all.

Mr.Srihari, gave a commendable performance with the limited script in the film. The setting is good, but the richness of a kingdom did not come through. The hero was built up, but nothing was shown about his heroism. The defender of the kingdom is shown as a damsel, happy to be in the arms of a hero, than a queen of royal blood! Stunts were unrealistic and laughable. I could not help but laugh my head off and wondered if someone would kick me in the gut, if I do not stop laughing. Hero worship!! So, need to beware! I personally would have expected a realistic heroism, for the story line itself is ludicrous, what with a reincarnation of love between the hero and the heroine and the villain also being born at the same time, how convenient!!!

To me, this is a comedy flick, plain and simple. But the cinematography, atleast for the Telugu industry is commendable. That is the only positive point about the film.

Woes - A Rant!

It’s one of those days where I have time to retrospect the happenings in my life. Surprisingly, it always goes back to one thing I always wanted, to be able to look at myself in the eye at the end of the day and feel satisfied.

I work in a profession, where individual performance matters as much as a team’s performance. Though at the end of the day, it is the team’s competence that comes through as an end product, still, a lot of importance is given to individual accountability, perhaps because of the intricacies of the higher policies that I do not comprehend. Either ways, I always wondered, when it is team’s performance at the end of the day that delivers an end product, why should we gauge individual brilliance? I always pondered over Man of the match as to why it was given to a particular person, when it is the team’s effort that won the match. I cannot for one comprehend the individual glory or centre of attraction, may be because it least matters what someone thinks of me, as long as I know I gave it everything I am capable of giving, with nothing to spare. But then, there are few days, where I am caught in a web of cesspool, where looking around makes me wonder if I need to be selfish to survive. But my survival instincts have never been properly honed, so it would only turn out to be a disaster of sorts.

Accountability is a term I keep hearing, time and again.
“This is not what I have done.”
“This is something that existed for sometime.”
“If I am accounted for this, I have these many issues to my name.” And so on and so forth.
But I end up feeling oddly out of sorts, when I want to get back saying, “If it existed, then you are committing a crime by letting it still stay. There is something called as debt, one owns to the product they deliver and knowing that the delivered product is mediocre should eat you from with in and you need not wait for someone to point that at you. I can probably appreciate if you say that I did not know how to fix it, so left it, but if you can give me a right nudge, I will try and see if I can do something about it. But just because it is not your junk, need not mean you should be ok with it existing, for at the end of the day, it is our product and it is us who are responsible for it.” But, I don’t. I can’t, for there is no school that preaches ethics. Sad, but true and there is no subject in our education system that speaks about the debt an engineer holds for the end product in which that individual has a 0.01% of claim. And even that is important. But, in one of those horrible days where I tend to hear these things, I feel a pain in the gut, for I know I am falling into a pit again, where the black hole just creeps up on me. I feel helpless, for I know I am not fighting anything that has a name, I am fighting against competitors like me, who want a name for themselves and I can’t blame that either, but, I just cannot get it. I mean, yes, you are not responsible for what you did not do, but c’mon, can you honestly say that whatever you delivered is the best product in everyone’s eyes? But just because you are responsible for delivering it, you think you can accept a mistake and prove yourself humble? I can’t understand the concept of individual contribution and the calibrated scale that is used to measure the deliverables, but it looks like I cannot understand the concept of team spirit either. There are just too many factors that are responsible for a performance, least of all is the individual ability, I personally feel. For me, I would give everything I can, for I do not fear for my job nor do I care for the incentive nor do I lament for position. What I want is the satisfaction and a fitful sleep in the night. I am not saying I do not crave for growing up the ladder, but I do not want to achieve it by stabbing someone in the back or pointing a finger at someone or escaping the wrath of mediocrity if the team’s collective deliverable does not meet the standard. I am humble enough to realize that my abilities are limited, but I am confident enough that I can stretch that limit if need be. But what I cannot digest is the collective mediocrity and because, that mediocrity is not because the individuals are incapable, but because the mediocrity is a choice. My reward for all the hard work is thus, so I cannot stretch myself beyond this. Great, don’t, but then, don’t question the fruits of your labour, because your fruits are only as good as the seeds you sow and not always are the rewards enriching and obvious. May be, when the light is round the corner, you are blinding yourself to the possibilities, because you lost your hope.

Sometimes, it depresses me enough to feel like giving up. It makes me ponder if I am doing the right job. I sometimes wonder if I am obsessed with the perfection I wish to achieve and think everyone should do that. But then, is it wrong to expect that one should at the very least be accountable to oneself?
“This is your mistake.”
“Yes, boss, it is my mistake. But if you knew it was a mistake, then you should have corrected it, right? If you knew it was a mistake, you could have pointed it out earlier, right?”
“I feel it is wrong.”
“Yeah? OK, then tell me why”
“I can’t, I just know it.”
I think the clash of egos comes out with this sort of communication, perhaps because the technical detail that is essential to convince one, is not readily available. Again, I cannot help but feel that the degree I earn is insufficient. I think, with a class of masses, the individual attention that is required to help reach out to the person and allow him to grow is just not there and with the rat race that seems to be cut throat, no one is really concerned about the “ethical” contribution they should make to the society. I wish I could go back to the Neanderthal age, where the education is passed down generations, from one mentor to his student and let the student pass this to his students and so forth. There is a discipline involved in it and there is a sense of satisfaction in it. I just wish I know how to deal with certain nuances that end up disturbing me without losing sleep over it.

More importantly, I wish I can reach within myself and find what is missing so that I need not feel so irked again. I think, I first need to redefine my objectives and ask myself what is it that I can survive with and what is it that I cannot survive with and see, where I need to draw a line. I also think I need to find my passion and see if something makes me happy enough to sustain these unavoidable frustrations and help me in not losing my focus and feel that the noose is too tight and that I need to relax and restart. This is happening time and again, that I should find the negative sprout and throw it out as a weed and rekindle the passion. But more importantly, I need to find some closure to find a sense of sanity.