It’s one of those days where I have time to retrospect the happenings in my life. Surprisingly, it always goes back to one thing I always wanted, to be able to look at myself in the eye at the end of the day and feel satisfied.
I work in a profession, where individual performance matters as much as a team’s performance. Though at the end of the day, it is the team’s competence that comes through as an end product, still, a lot of importance is given to individual accountability, perhaps because of the intricacies of the higher policies that I do not comprehend. Either ways, I always wondered, when it is team’s performance at the end of the day that delivers an end product, why should we gauge individual brilliance? I always pondered over Man of the match as to why it was given to a particular person, when it is the team’s effort that won the match. I cannot for one comprehend the individual glory or centre of attraction, may be because it least matters what someone thinks of me, as long as I know I gave it everything I am capable of giving, with nothing to spare. But then, there are few days, where I am caught in a web of cesspool, where looking around makes me wonder if I need to be selfish to survive. But my survival instincts have never been properly honed, so it would only turn out to be a disaster of sorts.
Accountability is a term I keep hearing, time and again.
“This is not what I have done.”
“This is something that existed for sometime.”
“If I am accounted for this, I have these many issues to my name.” And so on and so forth.
But I end up feeling oddly out of sorts, when I want to get back saying, “If it existed, then you are committing a crime by letting it still stay. There is something called as debt, one owns to the product they deliver and knowing that the delivered product is mediocre should eat you from with in and you need not wait for someone to point that at you. I can probably appreciate if you say that I did not know how to fix it, so left it, but if you can give me a right nudge, I will try and see if I can do something about it. But just because it is not your junk, need not mean you should be ok with it existing, for at the end of the day, it is our product and it is us who are responsible for it.” But, I don’t. I can’t, for there is no school that preaches ethics. Sad, but true and there is no subject in our education system that speaks about the debt an engineer holds for the end product in which that individual has a 0.01% of claim. And even that is important. But, in one of those horrible days where I tend to hear these things, I feel a pain in the gut, for I know I am falling into a pit again, where the black hole just creeps up on me. I feel helpless, for I know I am not fighting anything that has a name, I am fighting against competitors like me, who want a name for themselves and I can’t blame that either, but, I just cannot get it. I mean, yes, you are not responsible for what you did not do, but c’mon, can you honestly say that whatever you delivered is the best product in everyone’s eyes? But just because you are responsible for delivering it, you think you can accept a mistake and prove yourself humble? I can’t understand the concept of individual contribution and the calibrated scale that is used to measure the deliverables, but it looks like I cannot understand the concept of team spirit either. There are just too many factors that are responsible for a performance, least of all is the individual ability, I personally feel. For me, I would give everything I can, for I do not fear for my job nor do I care for the incentive nor do I lament for position. What I want is the satisfaction and a fitful sleep in the night. I am not saying I do not crave for growing up the ladder, but I do not want to achieve it by stabbing someone in the back or pointing a finger at someone or escaping the wrath of mediocrity if the team’s collective deliverable does not meet the standard. I am humble enough to realize that my abilities are limited, but I am confident enough that I can stretch that limit if need be. But what I cannot digest is the collective mediocrity and because, that mediocrity is not because the individuals are incapable, but because the mediocrity is a choice. My reward for all the hard work is thus, so I cannot stretch myself beyond this. Great, don’t, but then, don’t question the fruits of your labour, because your fruits are only as good as the seeds you sow and not always are the rewards enriching and obvious. May be, when the light is round the corner, you are blinding yourself to the possibilities, because you lost your hope.
Sometimes, it depresses me enough to feel like giving up. It makes me ponder if I am doing the right job. I sometimes wonder if I am obsessed with the perfection I wish to achieve and think everyone should do that. But then, is it wrong to expect that one should at the very least be accountable to oneself?
“This is your mistake.”
“Yes, boss, it is my mistake. But if you knew it was a mistake, then you should have corrected it, right? If you knew it was a mistake, you could have pointed it out earlier, right?”
“I feel it is wrong.”
“Yeah? OK, then tell me why”
“I can’t, I just know it.”
I think the clash of egos comes out with this sort of communication, perhaps because the technical detail that is essential to convince one, is not readily available. Again, I cannot help but feel that the degree I earn is insufficient. I think, with a class of masses, the individual attention that is required to help reach out to the person and allow him to grow is just not there and with the rat race that seems to be cut throat, no one is really concerned about the “ethical” contribution they should make to the society. I wish I could go back to the Neanderthal age, where the education is passed down generations, from one mentor to his student and let the student pass this to his students and so forth. There is a discipline involved in it and there is a sense of satisfaction in it. I just wish I know how to deal with certain nuances that end up disturbing me without losing sleep over it.
More importantly, I wish I can reach within myself and find what is missing so that I need not feel so irked again. I think, I first need to redefine my objectives and ask myself what is it that I can survive with and what is it that I cannot survive with and see, where I need to draw a line. I also think I need to find my passion and see if something makes me happy enough to sustain these unavoidable frustrations and help me in not losing my focus and feel that the noose is too tight and that I need to relax and restart. This is happening time and again, that I should find the negative sprout and throw it out as a weed and rekindle the passion. But more importantly, I need to find some closure to find a sense of sanity.
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