!!An interesting Conversation!!

I have a big problem. I can’t sleep. I just cannot. I am tired of sleeping, perhaps, but can any human be tired of sleep? I suppose not, which brings a most basic question, what am I, if not human! The last I slept fitfully was last Thursday and since then, I had four hours of sleep, including the weekend. Can anyone try and explain me the reason why I cannot sleep? I see the time and it is four, sometimes five and I literally force myself to close my eyes and sleep, else I would have a horrendous day at office, but no, my mind refuses to tire and my eyes refuse to relax. It is not like I am not tired, I am, but sleep just eludes me and if you ask, what the heck am I doing at that hour, unable to sleep, well, I try my best to sleep and if it isn’t working, I roam around the house for a few minutes and then stand in the balcony and then open a book. I cannot concentrate, so I leave it and plug in my ipod. I perhaps should have had all the songs by-hearted by now, but then, I am no singer, so, it does not matter. I could perhaps bug a few people online, there are enough insomniacs lurking around, but I am in no mood for a company, nor am I gonna give them a good company, so I guess, I did not bother. But, just last night, I saw a friend online, and I hadn’t spoken with him in a while, so thought of irking him and well, the conversation went on to be the most intriguing and perhaps difficult conversations of all. I seem to see a perspective, different dimension and above all, my mind seem to start working exponentially and well, needless to say, I did not sleep. I am dead tired, yet, I just cannot close my eyes!

The gist of the conversation, that kept me sandwiched between a volcano and a storm (literally), was about love, the most coveted topic and interestingly, being a guy, he tends to take a more practical approach (not all guys are like that), which had me thinking. For me, love is a commitment, to be bonded with that person, for ever. This, people would say is marriage. Perhaps. But when one says, “I love you”, they are unequivocally surrendering their very essence to that person, irrespective of the times, they move forward in a unified journey, or so, I believe. But, he said, that is marriage, not love. Now, I have to ask, if there is no love, why marry? But then, he in turn asked me, parents have two children, do they love both of them? Well, paternal love is different, but since I have had no experience, I cannot say if they have favourites ;). But then, parents and lovers are two different beings. So he in turn asked, if love, according to me, had different meanings. Now, this has me stumped. The very essence of love, is not different. But the perspective of holding it with my guy and my parents would certainly be different. I don’t think it is possible to love someone on an equal level as someone else. I might perhaps understand the concept of letting go, but not the concept of commitment on various levels. So, he asked me, instead of loving, you strike a deal. This had me squirming a bit. How true! Because I believe that without commitment, why love and if it is commitment, how can you accept someone else into your life? which means, I am inevitably forcing the person I love to give me a commitment, which is the only way I can accept love, which means, I am actually writing some sort of an emotional contract. But isn’t this so wrong? I mean, supposedly, love should wish the best of another person and if that person’s best lies in being away from you, should you not let go? Well, I am OK with letting go, as long as I bore no interference from that person in my life, even a glance! And I will not accept someone in my life in his place. I will remain as a shrine to his soul. Then he asked, so you would punish yourself, by living alone. How can that be punishment? Even if it is punishment, it is not as hard as accepting someone else and waking every moment, knowing this is not what I want.

If you are not in love, why marry? Is it that simple though? Marriage involves factors that love does not! Perhaps. But to cheat myself that I will eventually fall in love with someone would be stupidity. If, I ever will have to marry, against my will, to a person of not my choosing, I will be there, for him, for I have promised him my support with all the earthly elements as witness and I will walk with him through walks of life, with no complaints or requests. No love is unrequited and if he loves me, perhaps, my cold heart might beat again, but if he doesn’t care to love me, he doesn’t care enough to want to be loved, so it makes little difference, if I love or don’t and the marriage will last, as a testimony to the thoughtlessness of the societal pressure. In this sense, am I a bonded labour? To be there, with him, with no love, but because I promised? But then, to love one and to marry one, is that not bonded labour? But he says, love is a fantastic feeling and your heart flutters at your lover’s presence. I wonder!!! Well, filmy or romantic, but certainly a myth. People have too much time in their hands and fantasize themselves in a make believe world of their loved ones and think, they are the most beautiful and fantastic creatures existing on the planet, until the monster reality strikes and kicks under the shins to bring in the monstrosity hidden in that fantasy. Marriage need not mean love and love perhaps need not be the basis for marriage, but without love, there is no marriage and without marriage there is nothing to love. You love a person, you move around with him and then, suddenly the lightning strikes you and you realize, shit, I can’t do this, this will be difficult, then it is not love. The physical intimacy is one part of the story, but the other parts, the shared moments of togetherness, the shared visions – they are a part of life and are personal, you can share such intimacy with one and you cannot divide it to different people at various levels. To think you can do that, would be foolish. What about one side love? Just because it did not end in commitment, you cannot take away the feeling that person held for another. No, I cannot. And to think, I would be ok, if he does not love me back, is certainly no answer, for I am not benevolent. But, if he does not love me back, I would accept it, for I am not expecting him to love me back. But, I wont or cant accept the in between, the baseless standard, that I am there for you ,with reservations, that I am with you, until this happens. Pure crap! You are there or you are not. To say, you did not give me a chance, well, you have not tried enough to get a chance. To say, you are not allowing me to speak, well, you did not attempt to make me listen. To say, I tried, well, not enough. You want something, you cant stand high handed and expect it to fall at your feet. Have some spine and bend your back and carve your way in. but then, the egos of the species called homosapiens can damn well be doomed to hell, they can live alone than bend their fucking ego (pardon my slang, but I did no find any strong word to use !) and ask for a hand.

Phew!! That was some conversation, with no conclusive thought, but it made me think a lot. Particularly, are you not striking a deal! How true!