Silver Lining

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

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The clock ticked, changing seconds to minutes. The constant motion of the clock seems to be slower than the usual, yet she knows that it was her impatience that stretched the time and tested her endurance. As she stood tapping her foot on the pavement of the platform, she recalled the day that went back a year.


“Good luck Shashank. I would miss you”, she smiled.

The simplicity of the words spoke everything that was left unsaid. The perplexity of what would happen with time, or the unwarranted pang of insecurity that popped in her heart, had no justification. They were friends from childhood and a couple of years of distance should be a piece of cake, particularly with his voice being just a call away. But, the tremor in her voice spoke everything her heart did not want to convey despite her false bravado.

“Good luck, dear Sashi. Take care of yourself. I will miss you too. But don’t you worry. I will call you every now and then. It will be like the old times”, he smiled, his face reassuring.

If he noticed the tremor, he did not acknowledge it. But, that did not matter. This was Shashank, the one person who knew her every heart beat. The silence that followed, was not to hold back the emotions they felt, but, in an acceptance that no words could truly communicate the intricacy of the underlying feeling. They held each other’s gaze and let the silence engulf them. The whistle barely reached their ears and she looked at him, frantically, willing her eyes to convey the thoughts she refused to put into words. Narrowing his eyes, he took a deep breath, his only acknowledgement that he understood her.

“I will come back. I promise…”, he said and turned and got into the train. He did not look back, yet he could feel her eyes on him. He stood near the door, looking ahead and out of the window, the familiar passages running past him. It would be very painful for her, to walk those paths that they walked, hand in hand or was it heart in heart? How did it come to this, without a word ever being spoken, the confession of the love she felt for him? He suddenly wanted to yank the chain and stop the train, to get back to her, to hold her and to assuage her pain, to acknowledge this powerful feeling they felt, to let her know, in plain words, that he felt the same, since a very long time and that, they will be together, that, this was necessary. He sighed. “Yes, it will be hard for us”, he whispered, a small smile curving his lips at the word “us”.

As the train left, the uncertainty she felt, enveloped her and though she knew that this was not a farewell, she could not help but feel the pit in her stomach. And as the tears threatened to stream down her face, she closed her eyes and took deep breaths, as though, that would calm her beseeching heart. Locked in her heart was the voice that asked too much of her, the selfish cruel voice, that demanded his attention, that sought his company, that wished, he would throw away every dream he conceived and stay with her, yet, she knew, she would never make herself say those words. She opened her eyes and noticed the empty rail track and looked beyond the sight of her eyes, as though she could look into the future. She knew that lurking there would do nothing to placate the agony she will undergo in his absence. A little comfort came in with the doubt that he would not have left, if she just said the words, but, the self pity was disturbed by a harsher conscience, “Are you sure that he would have stayed?”. She did not care. It did not matter whether he stayed or not. Not now anyway.

She took a step forward, surprised that she could walk. The emptiness in her, echoed in every step that she took forward, the hollow footsteps on the asphalt reaching her ears, but not her brain. She kept walking, with purpose, through the familiar paths they traversed many a time, in the not-too-distant past, not acknowledging the drowning feeling she felt. She walked into her house and closed the door. She slid down to the floor and curled herself into a foetal position and let the despair reach her brain. As the agony traversed through the blood vessels, reaching her brain, registering the quietness in the room that once echoed the laughter of two dear friends, her vision blurred. She realized that she was crying, the quiet sobs unnerving and heavy. She closed her eyes and blinked the tears and slept.

Days passed.

Her half hearted attempts at living a life were pathetic as was her excuse to seek pleasure in the routine that held no meaning without her companion. She never realized the command he held over her and she was glad she did not realize it when he was near, for she wasn’t sure if she could have let him go. A phone call interrupted her self imposed idiocy and her heart started beating again.

“Hello”, she said, the thud of her heart was too audible.
“Hello Sashi…”.

Its him. The shackles that held her brain were broken. A ripple of happiness lifted itself, from some corner of her heart and she was floating, in that moment. “Shashank”, she said. The happiness and relief in her voice all too clear.

“How are you?”, she heard him ask.
“Exuberant. Ecstatic”, she responded, surprised that she could bring her voice to such buoyant tone.
Why am I surprised? Of course, this moment I am happy. I am with him. He is speaking to me, she thought.

“Lovely”, she heard him say. Why did he not believe her? Of course, he would not believe. He knew her, she thought.

“Truly, apart from missing your teasing, I am really well”, she said, in a pretend bravery. He laughed, his voice trilling down the phone, filling her.

“Really? You miss my teasing? Hmmm… I miss your pouting”, he said. Her lips curved into a smile. There was a moment’s silence.

“I am in New York. You will love this place”, he said, with assured confidence.

“Why?”, she asked.

“Buildings. Beautiful and lovely”, he said.

“Oh”, she said, the longing in her voice evident.

He spoke about the buildings in minute detail, the color, the shape, the height, the surroundings, his feelings on each, knowing she cared more about that than anything else. Surprising at how easy it is to satisfy her. Just his words bring in a wave of fresh breath, he was sure of that. He was also sure that her ecstasy lasts for about the duration of this call. A wave of sadness gripped him at this thought, but he ignored that pain. He needs to be strong, for her, for them.

She heard his words with wonder and excitement. Hearing his voice, the exuberance in his tone, the detail with which he spoke of the place, it was like, she was next to him, seeing for herself and sharing those moments. Soon the call ended, bringing in a reality of her surrounding. She held the phone a while longer, letting the moment last, while she could see herself slipping down into a pit, slowly. The effort of sounding excited and happy, so that he would be happy, took a toll. A repentant sigh and a whiplash of her inner voice, she shifted in to a world she created for herself.

Months passed.

The yearning lasted. The calls lessened. Every call was an explanation of how tight his schedule was. But, nevertheless, his calls brought a smile and a rhythmic hum to her heart.

“What are you doing?”, he asked, suddenly.

“I am talking to you, silly”, she said, laughing.

“I hope you know better than that Shashi. You know what I meant”, he said, in mock severity, though the smile in his voice betrayed the subtle hint of anger. She loved the way he said her name. She let the silence drag on.

“I am still waiting”, he said, his voice serious.

“I am missing you. I am counting the days. So, perhaps, I am doing mathematical calculations?”, she said, trying to lighten the mood.

“I don’t like it”, he said, quietly.

“What? You don’t like Maths? Or you don’t like calculations? Or you don’t like me missing you?”, she asked, knowing very well that she was treading on dangerous waters. She heard a deep sigh and she knew that he was trying to control his anger at his helplessness.She could see his face, the anger in his eyes and a memory lingered onto the surface. 

“I don’t like this and if I were there, you would not have liked, what would have happened, in about another minute”, he said, his voice biting. The disappointment in his voice made her ache.

“When I call the next time, I hope to hear something better than this evasiveness or have a damn good reason for your offhanded way of passing time”, he threatened, his anger surfacing.

“I will be there in another couple of months”, he said quietly, his tone implicit.

“You are coming?”, she said, her voice excited, despite the impending doom.

“Yes”, he said, a smile lingering in his voice, her enthusiasm despite his threat infectious.

“Please take care of yourself. I will be there, soon.”, his voice pleaded. She heard the hurt in his voice, the pain of his guilt.

“I will”, she assured.

“And make yourself useful”, his voice ordered. She kept down the phone, her spirit flying high.

His questions of her future and his frown on her evasiveness and his irk on her offhandedness and his anger, oh, the so lovely anger of his voice, ordering her to rein her rudders together and the pleading in his voice, to hold on and live a life, a promise of a return for a few days and a rebuke, harsh and cruel – to make herself useful. Oh, for the love of all that is holy, did he honestly think he could demand her to rein her life in, when her life is so interwoven with his breath and that he took her life away when he left her here, to follow his dreams? SIGH! How well he knew her? Just the plaintive in his disapproval was enough for her, to refocus.

A year passed.

The distant whistle brought her out of her reverie and Sashi waited. She did not know what to expect, wondering if something changed between them. She looked haggard. She aged ten years in this one year, yet the sparkle in her eyes did not dim. She recalled his words from the last phone call, “You have a lot of explaining to do.” She shuddered at the anger that rang in his voice and her spine tingled as the train halted in front of her. Her eyes were searching for a familiar figure, wondering if he was not familiar after all and then, her heart fluttered as her eyes took in the figure getting out of the compartment, his eyes locked on her. And then a thousand bells started ringing as the joy of seeing him settled in, pushing away the tingle and the shudder and the depression and her friend (…or something more…) was back again. She smiled, her smile reaching her heart and as he approached her, holding her eyes all the while, she just about collapsed with the thud of her anticipation. He stood before her, staring at her a minute longer, before he broke the eye contact to appraise her. His eyes tightening at her frail figure and a cloud of concern washed over his face, before he looked into her eyes.

“Are you alright Sashi?”, he asked.

Ah, the beauty of his voice, the concern in his tone and the way he said her name… it is the same. Nothing changed. She heaved a sigh of relief.

“I am now”, she said. She looked at him a while longer before gesturing to walk. They walked together in a companionable silence, fathomable only between two people who knew each others heartbeat. They reached her house and as he sat on the cushion chair, her world seemed right again.

Minutes passed.

She sat next to him, tongue tied, as though a spell was cast on her, while he stared at her. Finally, in the confines of the familiar walls, he reached out to take her hand in his.

“I missed you”, he said. There was heaviness in the words, as though they did not convey what he wanted to convey.

“Me too”, she said, with a light quiver in her voice, “more than you can imagine”, she added.

“Oh, I can imagine. One look at you and I know the pain I caused you through this year and to think, I would cause this pain again, for the next year or two…”, he said. The trailing off caught her attention. Year or two, what does this mean? Did he come here to convey that it might take more than a year for him to come back to her? Did he honestly think that she could endure that pain? She swallowed the lump in her throat and dared to look into his eyes.

“I want to work there, for sometime”, he said. “You do not understand the pain this would put me through, to know the yearning you feel and to know I cannot satiate it.”

He looked at the shock on her face and said, “I have loved you for a long time now. I know you realized your love for me when I left. But, I knew it a long time ago", he said. He took a deep breath and whispered, "Will you wait for me?”. His eyes, burning into her.

"Did he just echo her feelings for him? How long had he known? Why did he not enlighten her? Why did he not speak to her?", she thought

“Yes”, she whispered.

“But not like the way you lived your life the past year”, he said severely. She squirmed uncomfortably. “I want you to get a grip on yourself. I am yours, forever. Nothing will change that. With this in your heart, will you please live your life? My Sashi’s life, before she felt the need to yearn for me? Don’t get me wrong, I love that she yearns for me, but I would rather, I yearn for her. I would rather, I try and keep up with the shores she could travel. Will you?”, he asked her.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Dusk descended. Dawn awaited round the corner. They were still talking. 

A new day began.

Time to travel, yet again. “Remember your promise. I love you and I will be back two years from now”, he said, as he boarded the train. 

The familiar knot in her stomach left her in a pit, as the wave of his hand disappeared into the distance. 

Day passed. Month passed. Year passed.
Another year...
She waited.

Another…
Her frail figure alone on the platform, she waited.

Another year passed. She waited.
Another… She waited.

The shrine she built for him, over the years, seeking the inevitable fruition....She waited, to reach the epitome of her life...