Happy New Year 2010

Silver Lining

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

------------------------------------------------------

The clock ticked, changing seconds to minutes. The constant motion of the clock seems to be slower than the usual, yet she knows that it was her impatience that stretched the time and tested her endurance. As she stood tapping her foot on the pavement of the platform, she recalled the day that went back a year.


“Good luck Shashank. I would miss you”, she smiled.

The simplicity of the words spoke everything that was left unsaid. The perplexity of what would happen with time, or the unwarranted pang of insecurity that popped in her heart, had no justification. They were friends from childhood and a couple of years of distance should be a piece of cake, particularly with his voice being just a call away. But, the tremor in her voice spoke everything her heart did not want to convey despite her false bravado.

“Good luck, dear Sashi. Take care of yourself. I will miss you too. But don’t you worry. I will call you every now and then. It will be like the old times”, he smiled, his face reassuring.

If he noticed the tremor, he did not acknowledge it. But, that did not matter. This was Shashank, the one person who knew her every heart beat. The silence that followed, was not to hold back the emotions they felt, but, in an acceptance that no words could truly communicate the intricacy of the underlying feeling. They held each other’s gaze and let the silence engulf them. The whistle barely reached their ears and she looked at him, frantically, willing her eyes to convey the thoughts she refused to put into words. Narrowing his eyes, he took a deep breath, his only acknowledgement that he understood her.

“I will come back. I promise…”, he said and turned and got into the train. He did not look back, yet he could feel her eyes on him. He stood near the door, looking ahead and out of the window, the familiar passages running past him. It would be very painful for her, to walk those paths that they walked, hand in hand or was it heart in heart? How did it come to this, without a word ever being spoken, the confession of the love she felt for him? He suddenly wanted to yank the chain and stop the train, to get back to her, to hold her and to assuage her pain, to acknowledge this powerful feeling they felt, to let her know, in plain words, that he felt the same, since a very long time and that, they will be together, that, this was necessary. He sighed. “Yes, it will be hard for us”, he whispered, a small smile curving his lips at the word “us”.

As the train left, the uncertainty she felt, enveloped her and though she knew that this was not a farewell, she could not help but feel the pit in her stomach. And as the tears threatened to stream down her face, she closed her eyes and took deep breaths, as though, that would calm her beseeching heart. Locked in her heart was the voice that asked too much of her, the selfish cruel voice, that demanded his attention, that sought his company, that wished, he would throw away every dream he conceived and stay with her, yet, she knew, she would never make herself say those words. She opened her eyes and noticed the empty rail track and looked beyond the sight of her eyes, as though she could look into the future. She knew that lurking there would do nothing to placate the agony she will undergo in his absence. A little comfort came in with the doubt that he would not have left, if she just said the words, but, the self pity was disturbed by a harsher conscience, “Are you sure that he would have stayed?”. She did not care. It did not matter whether he stayed or not. Not now anyway.

She took a step forward, surprised that she could walk. The emptiness in her, echoed in every step that she took forward, the hollow footsteps on the asphalt reaching her ears, but not her brain. She kept walking, with purpose, through the familiar paths they traversed many a time, in the not-too-distant past, not acknowledging the drowning feeling she felt. She walked into her house and closed the door. She slid down to the floor and curled herself into a foetal position and let the despair reach her brain. As the agony traversed through the blood vessels, reaching her brain, registering the quietness in the room that once echoed the laughter of two dear friends, her vision blurred. She realized that she was crying, the quiet sobs unnerving and heavy. She closed her eyes and blinked the tears and slept.

Days passed.

Her half hearted attempts at living a life were pathetic as was her excuse to seek pleasure in the routine that held no meaning without her companion. She never realized the command he held over her and she was glad she did not realize it when he was near, for she wasn’t sure if she could have let him go. A phone call interrupted her self imposed idiocy and her heart started beating again.

“Hello”, she said, the thud of her heart was too audible.
“Hello Sashi…”.

Its him. The shackles that held her brain were broken. A ripple of happiness lifted itself, from some corner of her heart and she was floating, in that moment. “Shashank”, she said. The happiness and relief in her voice all too clear.

“How are you?”, she heard him ask.
“Exuberant. Ecstatic”, she responded, surprised that she could bring her voice to such buoyant tone.
Why am I surprised? Of course, this moment I am happy. I am with him. He is speaking to me, she thought.

“Lovely”, she heard him say. Why did he not believe her? Of course, he would not believe. He knew her, she thought.

“Truly, apart from missing your teasing, I am really well”, she said, in a pretend bravery. He laughed, his voice trilling down the phone, filling her.

“Really? You miss my teasing? Hmmm… I miss your pouting”, he said. Her lips curved into a smile. There was a moment’s silence.

“I am in New York. You will love this place”, he said, with assured confidence.

“Why?”, she asked.

“Buildings. Beautiful and lovely”, he said.

“Oh”, she said, the longing in her voice evident.

He spoke about the buildings in minute detail, the color, the shape, the height, the surroundings, his feelings on each, knowing she cared more about that than anything else. Surprising at how easy it is to satisfy her. Just his words bring in a wave of fresh breath, he was sure of that. He was also sure that her ecstasy lasts for about the duration of this call. A wave of sadness gripped him at this thought, but he ignored that pain. He needs to be strong, for her, for them.

She heard his words with wonder and excitement. Hearing his voice, the exuberance in his tone, the detail with which he spoke of the place, it was like, she was next to him, seeing for herself and sharing those moments. Soon the call ended, bringing in a reality of her surrounding. She held the phone a while longer, letting the moment last, while she could see herself slipping down into a pit, slowly. The effort of sounding excited and happy, so that he would be happy, took a toll. A repentant sigh and a whiplash of her inner voice, she shifted in to a world she created for herself.

Months passed.

The yearning lasted. The calls lessened. Every call was an explanation of how tight his schedule was. But, nevertheless, his calls brought a smile and a rhythmic hum to her heart.

“What are you doing?”, he asked, suddenly.

“I am talking to you, silly”, she said, laughing.

“I hope you know better than that Shashi. You know what I meant”, he said, in mock severity, though the smile in his voice betrayed the subtle hint of anger. She loved the way he said her name. She let the silence drag on.

“I am still waiting”, he said, his voice serious.

“I am missing you. I am counting the days. So, perhaps, I am doing mathematical calculations?”, she said, trying to lighten the mood.

“I don’t like it”, he said, quietly.

“What? You don’t like Maths? Or you don’t like calculations? Or you don’t like me missing you?”, she asked, knowing very well that she was treading on dangerous waters. She heard a deep sigh and she knew that he was trying to control his anger at his helplessness.She could see his face, the anger in his eyes and a memory lingered onto the surface. 

“I don’t like this and if I were there, you would not have liked, what would have happened, in about another minute”, he said, his voice biting. The disappointment in his voice made her ache.

“When I call the next time, I hope to hear something better than this evasiveness or have a damn good reason for your offhanded way of passing time”, he threatened, his anger surfacing.

“I will be there in another couple of months”, he said quietly, his tone implicit.

“You are coming?”, she said, her voice excited, despite the impending doom.

“Yes”, he said, a smile lingering in his voice, her enthusiasm despite his threat infectious.

“Please take care of yourself. I will be there, soon.”, his voice pleaded. She heard the hurt in his voice, the pain of his guilt.

“I will”, she assured.

“And make yourself useful”, his voice ordered. She kept down the phone, her spirit flying high.

His questions of her future and his frown on her evasiveness and his irk on her offhandedness and his anger, oh, the so lovely anger of his voice, ordering her to rein her rudders together and the pleading in his voice, to hold on and live a life, a promise of a return for a few days and a rebuke, harsh and cruel – to make herself useful. Oh, for the love of all that is holy, did he honestly think he could demand her to rein her life in, when her life is so interwoven with his breath and that he took her life away when he left her here, to follow his dreams? SIGH! How well he knew her? Just the plaintive in his disapproval was enough for her, to refocus.

A year passed.

The distant whistle brought her out of her reverie and Sashi waited. She did not know what to expect, wondering if something changed between them. She looked haggard. She aged ten years in this one year, yet the sparkle in her eyes did not dim. She recalled his words from the last phone call, “You have a lot of explaining to do.” She shuddered at the anger that rang in his voice and her spine tingled as the train halted in front of her. Her eyes were searching for a familiar figure, wondering if he was not familiar after all and then, her heart fluttered as her eyes took in the figure getting out of the compartment, his eyes locked on her. And then a thousand bells started ringing as the joy of seeing him settled in, pushing away the tingle and the shudder and the depression and her friend (…or something more…) was back again. She smiled, her smile reaching her heart and as he approached her, holding her eyes all the while, she just about collapsed with the thud of her anticipation. He stood before her, staring at her a minute longer, before he broke the eye contact to appraise her. His eyes tightening at her frail figure and a cloud of concern washed over his face, before he looked into her eyes.

“Are you alright Sashi?”, he asked.

Ah, the beauty of his voice, the concern in his tone and the way he said her name… it is the same. Nothing changed. She heaved a sigh of relief.

“I am now”, she said. She looked at him a while longer before gesturing to walk. They walked together in a companionable silence, fathomable only between two people who knew each others heartbeat. They reached her house and as he sat on the cushion chair, her world seemed right again.

Minutes passed.

She sat next to him, tongue tied, as though a spell was cast on her, while he stared at her. Finally, in the confines of the familiar walls, he reached out to take her hand in his.

“I missed you”, he said. There was heaviness in the words, as though they did not convey what he wanted to convey.

“Me too”, she said, with a light quiver in her voice, “more than you can imagine”, she added.

“Oh, I can imagine. One look at you and I know the pain I caused you through this year and to think, I would cause this pain again, for the next year or two…”, he said. The trailing off caught her attention. Year or two, what does this mean? Did he come here to convey that it might take more than a year for him to come back to her? Did he honestly think that she could endure that pain? She swallowed the lump in her throat and dared to look into his eyes.

“I want to work there, for sometime”, he said. “You do not understand the pain this would put me through, to know the yearning you feel and to know I cannot satiate it.”

He looked at the shock on her face and said, “I have loved you for a long time now. I know you realized your love for me when I left. But, I knew it a long time ago", he said. He took a deep breath and whispered, "Will you wait for me?”. His eyes, burning into her.

"Did he just echo her feelings for him? How long had he known? Why did he not enlighten her? Why did he not speak to her?", she thought

“Yes”, she whispered.

“But not like the way you lived your life the past year”, he said severely. She squirmed uncomfortably. “I want you to get a grip on yourself. I am yours, forever. Nothing will change that. With this in your heart, will you please live your life? My Sashi’s life, before she felt the need to yearn for me? Don’t get me wrong, I love that she yearns for me, but I would rather, I yearn for her. I would rather, I try and keep up with the shores she could travel. Will you?”, he asked her.

She nodded, not trusting herself to speak.

Dusk descended. Dawn awaited round the corner. They were still talking. 

A new day began.

Time to travel, yet again. “Remember your promise. I love you and I will be back two years from now”, he said, as he boarded the train. 

The familiar knot in her stomach left her in a pit, as the wave of his hand disappeared into the distance. 

Day passed. Month passed. Year passed.
Another year...
She waited.

Another…
Her frail figure alone on the platform, she waited.

Another year passed. She waited.
Another… She waited.

The shrine she built for him, over the years, seeking the inevitable fruition....She waited, to reach the epitome of her life...

Surreal...

The longing in my heart seems to redefine yearning,
to seek you, to see you, to feel you, to know that you are real.
The cadence of my fingers on your angelic face,
stroking every crease and curve, surreal, but true, you are real!

The whispered lullabies, that put me to sleep,
dreamless and content, with me in your arms,
the unspoken words of love and the spoken promises,
endearing and sparkling, Oh, why, do I wonder, if all this were true?

Perhaps, because the alluring radiance of you,
Is mystifying as it is absurd…

Stupendous performance by the Delhi duo

- seals the series for India at the Eden!

OK.. So that, is how it is done! With calculated, merciless dominance. Impressed, would be too little a word and astounded would make it a dream. I saw our team, take on a moderate score and tear it apart. To say that, there was not an instance, where there was a chance that Srilanka could win, speaks everything!!! 315 runs, by far - a decent score and phew!!! It was easy! Or, it was made to look easy by the brilliant performance of Gambhir and Kohli. I am pleasantly surprised at the class displayed by Kohli. Gambhir is an established senior, but, Kohli is still finding his bearings and it was so relieving to see a talented individual make himself count.

Starting with a commendable opening bowling and finishing with such finesse, it just left me feeling fulfilled. Completely! Looking at them bat away with a calm, composed and collective way, oh man, it takes some doing to forget this match! And the bowling, was it not a refresher to see the score board not jump as multiples of 10? It was a breath of fresh air, to see Zack and Ashish perform the way they did, with the new ball! It is not often that Indian fast bowlers get their due share of respect, but this match, they looked every bit like feisty lions unleashed on the ground, hunting their prey! And the fielding was appreciable, if not laudable! It was abominable in this series and this match, it was better. But, it was batting that stood out – the planned attack just left me breathless. The running between the wickets was absolutely brilliant. The shots that left the bat of the two were superb. And I could not take the smile off my face, through out the innings.

It was such a sweet gesture by Gambhir to share his man of the match with Kohli. I thought, it would have been better to give it to Kohli, for if not for his positive play when he walked in, perhaps the runrate would have climbed a notch higher! But, more than that, because this is his maiden century on a historic ground and he is the youngster who is still making it big, it would have boosted his confidence and it would have made him happy! Perhaps! Awards are rewards for your performance and sometimes, it need not be for the best individual in the team, but for the most deserved and rare talent and Kohli deserved it and his performance, to stand out when India is still batting Sehwag, Sachin, Gambhir, Yuvi, Dhoni – would be difficult to stand out. So, let me just say that Kohli deserved the share of limelight and this is not taking away anything form Gambhirs brilliance. Just my way of seeing things!!!

Congratulations team India, superb performance.

We lead the series 3-1. it could have been 2-2 (Srilanka did brilliantly when chasing 414 and it was India vs Australia, all over again, but, let me not crib when it is team India!!)…. Wrap it up in Delhi and lets celebrate New Year together!!!

On a side note, I was quite surprised with the post-match talks of Kohli and Sehwag. Kohli, when asked if it was his dream to score a century at Eden Gardens, I was pleasantly surprised with his response – “It is a dream come true – to make a one day century for India at international level”. Man, do I read too much or is it safe to tuck this warm feeling away and let time decide what I need to do with this fuzzy feeling? And Gambhir – what humility?? There it is guys, the camaraderie, by a great cricketer in the making!

Sleepless and.....

It is that difficult night, where eyes refuse to droop and thoughts whirl around in the air and the flashes of memory are painful and disturbing. It is that difficult night, where the concept of pain holds no meaning. It is inevitable and it is awaited. As it approaches, the sane mind blocks it and wakes me up, fights the sleep and effectively promises a sleepless night. The charms or the prayers, don’t often work and while the prayer that leaves the heart, whispers soothing verses, calming the mind, the sleep deprivation lasts.

Walking through the urban jungle and lost in the concrete walls, I run through the blocks, hoping for a ray of light, a promise, a hope. The moon shines brightly, but I stand alone, scared and out of breath, searching, waiting. I run again, tripping and rising, limping and bleeding and I run again. I seem to run and run, to no where in particular, in the night and through the obstacles. Is there an end to it? is there a path somewhere? Do I know where I am going? What am I running from? What haunts me through the drooping eyelids? What wakes me and makes me curse the very life I live? Why does the heart beat faster, wishing that it can break the rib cage and just find a path of its own? Why does the blood gush through the veins, running as though it is in a hurry to reach somewhere, like perhaps, out of my body? Why the eyes keep looking everywhere and no where in particular, as though they see the omnipresent? Darting around, playing hide and seek with me? Why is that, the calming breaths I take, leave me gasping for more? Questions that are incessant and perhaps have no answers. Sometimes, questions are a lot better. The unknown keeps you safe and relaxed.

India are on top of the world!

Team India with the Jaypee Cup, Mumbai, India vs Srilanka, 2009

I am inspired. I am euphoric. I am brilliantly happy. India is the best in the world test cricket and that is no small achievement. The journey started under the realm of Sourav, cannot quite forget the team that started believing in themselves and moved forward. And now, under an unassuming captain, Mahendra Singh Dhoni, the dream is fulfilled. “We need to maintain it.” I cannot even think of the number of years I have yearned to see our team beat the best of the best and stand top of the world. When I started watching cricket, 1996 World cup against Pakistan in Bangalore, where I learnt about cricket overnight, I have to say, I had lesser dreams of the team, but when I saw India in England in the 1999 tour, that is when I started believing in something more than just cricket. That is when cricket ceased being “just cricket” and became an inspiration to me. Every run scored and every wicket taken and every run saved, all seem to teach me more. But, truly, the faith restored by the “Team India”, after the unspeakable “match-fixing” scandal and to rise above all that to stand where they are today, is an outstanding achievement. Congratulations!!!

The lone light shining brightly, fell for a beauty of a delivery in the morning and it was a matter of time, for the innings victory and boy, did it come, or what? Indian team has out performed in every department to stand atop Srilanka and the world too!!! Sehwag, what a cricketer? The magic he weaves on his spectators can only be undone by him. The poise with which he plays, shuts out every other non-technicality and just fills the brain with the breathtaking strokes that leave one gasping for more. The support he got from his batting partners, first from Murali and then from Rahul, of course, was fantastic. Not to take away the contributions or Sachin, Yuvi, Dhoni, Laxman. If they are the layers of the cake, Sehwag is the icing. Zaheer, man, it feels so good to see his bowling! Just the run up to the crease, fills me with a tremendous amount of pride. To see an Indian bowler, charge into the batsman and the sweet music of the ball hitting the deck hard, can anything beat that? Not even Sachin’s straight drive!

Today, we stand as a proud nation and I feel so glad to witness this history (two back to back pieces in the history – 100th test win and world number one) and pray, I will witness our journey in holding onto this slot in future. But, whatever future unfolds, today is “the present” and it is brilliant and I want to savour this moment, for as long as I can savour it. The turn, the catch, the shout and the “hip-hip-hooray”, are ingrained in my mind and it will take some doing to forget this happy moment. Thank you Guys, for the inspiration. I love my team.
Congratulations Team India!!!!!

Miracles happen in life...

... just need to know what that miracle is, to realize that it did happen or pray for it to happen!!!

Deep inside the enchanted forest lies magic, the magic of miracles. That is where knights find their princesses! Deep inside the magical forest, lies an enchanted tree whose branches reach the sky and in the cloud that hovers above this tree, lies a land that changes every day (Enid Blyton ofcourse!!). And then, there are wanderers roaming these forests, some find love, some find bravery, but one who survives the charm finds a warrior… If life is like an enchanted forest, each day charming its way through the lives of knights, princesses, dreamers, wanderers, warriors alive in us, who would I want to be?

Tough question! I want to be a princess, enthralled by an alluring knight. I want to be a wanderer, exploring the path, being absorbed into the captivities it holds, as it unravels. I want to be a warrior, unafraid and strong. But, truly, am I not a dreamer, in that I wish to be a princess or a warrior? Honestly, I am a dreamer. I love to dream and I love to dream big. Every day I wake up, I need to feel that gush to my head, that I am something – not by definition of my predecessors or by a last name, but as “me”. And I dream about it, every day. Of course, I dream of an Edward (I know that it is impossible to find an Edward, for I am no Bella! Please checkout the Twilight series, if any one is confused – they are the new Romeo-Juliet, without the tragedy!), I dream of a cosy house, of a challenge surrounding my day ahead. I dream of a warrior strong enough to deal with the challenges and emerge a winner. But, dreams aren’t enough, to be a princess or a warrior.

At the close of the dusk lies a dawn, yet at the close of every year, there is a foreboding inside me. I want to shoot like an arrow, yet, I am afraid I am losing focus. Or perhaps, I have not found my focus, yet. Too many questions clogging my mind and here I sit, wondering about the choices of life and the paths I chose. I do not regret the paths I travelled, yet I want to take a complete U-turn and start afresh. The very core of my strength is suffocating me and I want to cleanse the entire slate and make a meaningful beginning. Nothing can turn the time back, not even an earnest prayer. Wish I had a time-turner!!! (Harry Potter, here I ask of you too!!!), but alas, life is no fantasy – it is real! And lost time is “experience”. How true, experience is a word that the old use to cover their mistakes! A piece of wisdom that came through experience again!!!

Yet, there is that tiny corner of hope for miracles in life. That this foreboding will warm up to something truly magnificent and the enchantments will turn to endearments! The demons that unveil in the dark will wash away in the flicker of hope that shines through me. And the will in me won’t snap in two, for the darkest hour lies just before the dawn. The U-turn might not change back the time and perhaps, I need to go obtuse, think out of the box and do something all together different for the miracle to happen. But, what is that miracle? Damned, if I know!!!

Missing You...

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

------------------------------------------------------

My Dearest,

How would I begin with, when I know that the very reason for this letter is the cause of my distress? I miss you terribly. And nothing can be done about it. Last night, it was our anniversary. You called me and we spoke for sometime, but for some reason the emptiness of the house (I can’t call it home, when you aren’t around!) got into me.

Do you miss me too? Perhaps you do, else you would not call me every day! What do you miss the most? Me or being around with me? As I fondly reminisced my favourite moments with you, I fell asleep on the couch with a smile on my face and woke up with an ache in my neck :D. I know, I cannot take care of myself! Well, I ask, one tiny thing that is to take care of me. Is that so wrong? Of course not! And if you aren’t around, there is no one to take care of me. Can’t help if I am sick, can I? Another thing to consider among the million things that are to be considered, when you plan on going alone, to some place without me.

It rained in the morning. Now you know what would happen, right? Though I can sense your anger across the miles, you really should NOT be angry with me. Too bad, you cannot do something about it. Well… you got to understand that I did not plan on it. I dressed up for the weather – that is, with the rain coat and got out for a walk. Well, I could have said, grocery, at least, I am being truthful, cut me some slack when you call tomorrow! The cool air and the drizzle called my name, I could not resist, so I opened my rain coat and got wet in the drizzle, that slowly turned into a torrent and I loved it. I know, I know, one cough or sneeze and I am in for it, but, for now, I am well, so hold on to your horses! Do you remember that time, when you caught me getting wet in the rain? I was running fever and barely recovered. Just to be on the safe side, I took the day off, but asked you to go to the office. It was raining that day and I could not resist the urge to get out and I did go out. I got drenched and the torrent from my clothes matched the rain outside. I walked into the house through the back door so as to not puddle the living room. You were in the kitchen, sipping coffee. I knew I am in for it. I did not even try looking at your face, afraid that it would be contorted with anger. I stood there, waiting and shivering. I know that the shiver was not because of the cold, for sure. You did not say a word, just helped me out of my wet clothes and pushed me into the hot shower. While I stood there, you joined me and lathered me with the shampoo… I still did not speak and neither did you. After a good ten minute shower, you switched off the tap and wrapped a huge towel, one, around me and other around you. We got out of the shower and you dried my wet hair, not uttering a single word through the five minute ordeal and then took out a few warm clothes and helped me get into them. Even now, you would not talk.

While you dressed, I mumbled an apology, which you conveniently ignored and headed down stairs, leaving me standing in the bedroom. I could not help but feel like a kid who is being punished. The guilt of having you worried was just unbearable. I could have joined you downstairs, but I could not face you and some how, I did not think that would be appreciated. So I waited around, not moving an inch, not daring to make a sound, when all I want to do was cuddle up in your arms and cry. After a good twenty minutes, you came up with a cup of hot chocolate and a sandwich and kept it on the bed. You sat on the bed and beckoned me towards you. I sat beside you and you gave me the hot chocolate. I looked into your eyes and apologized. You just looked at me.
“Not one word out of you, until I am ready to talk. Is that clear?”, is what you said.
My eyes filled up with tears. Normally, that would suffice to get into your embrace, but not that day. You did not even try and wipe my tears away. Just pushed my hand holding the cup to my mouth. I drank it, slowly, wondering how long it would be, before you would talk. After about half of the cup was done, you pushed the sandwich towards me. I did not want to eat it, so pushed it away. You slapped my hand and brought the sandwich closer to my mouth and glared at me, daring me to say a no. I do not push your buttons often and I did not dare to do it then. Your voice, just your controlled voice is sufficient to make my spine tingle. And I have never seen you so angry in the three years of our marriage and the couple of years before that, when we dated. I ate half of it and leaned to take the hot chocolate. You let me have a sip, before pushing it aside and feeding me the sandwich. After a horrendous twenty minute of food, you lifted me off the bed and took me to the couch downstairs and placed me on the couch. Wrapped a blanket around me and joined me after a good ten minute and just held me. My head was on your chest and I could hear the controlled breathing while you wrapped your arms around me and held me close. I did not dare to move either. Your hands moved to my face, which was warm… I could hear you sigh and you turned me towards you and looked me in the eyes. I could not hold your gaze. You lifted my chin up until I saw you and kissed me on the forehead.

“What am I going to do with you? What were thinking? And now the fever is back. Do you like worrying me?”
I did not answer.
“Answer me”, you said.
“No, I do not like worrying you.”
“what were you thinking when you walked out of the house?”
“I had to, I love the rain.”
“You could wait until you were better. I never stopped you from getting wet.”
“But I was bored sitting in the house!”, I pouted.
You talked as though I am your little kid, tried reasoning and the guilt that held me was overwhelming.

“Once more and I would not be this quiet”, was all you said and hugged me. I know that things are alright now, but just to test the waters, I had to be sure.
“What would you do?”, I asked, with a tiny smile on my face and a glint in my eye.
“That, you would better not find out”, you said, with a sloppy smile and kissed me.

Well, now, I have done it and I can’t find out, what you would do! I hate a mystery. Perhaps, I shall try it when you are here again. what say?

With this impish thought, I got up and sneezed my way through the day. Did I hear a grunt? Well, you need to come down here first… :P. Just let me know before you start, so that I can book a ticket to Bahamas or Arctic ;). 

Little memories, even the not so good ones, light a heart, right? If I am not around to put you on your toes, you would be bored. I hope you are glad that the little imp (as you call it) is in me, to keep your day happy and mysterious. Else, you would be bored! Once in a while, you need to remind me if you are glad that you have me in your life or no! Been a long time…

Waiting for your call... as much as I dread it, I still have to hear your voice and know that you are OK...

~With love,
Your Imp

A moment frozen forever

Why are certain days, a pinnacle of celebration? Despite the trying times and unspoken eons – certain things stick in life. Providence? May be not. They are there, for they mean something…

Sometimes your cold shoulder feels like lead in my heart,
Yet, I know, I can’t be far from you…
Not, when you breathe and live,
Your breath a whisper in the air that only I can hear…

Years may count for nothing,
When everything falls apart,
Yet, there was a time,
When “we” were a world in ourselves…

Are we still there?
Days bygone, magic melted,
Smiles frozen, heart gone cold,
So, where do we stand?

I woke with a smile today. Don’t know why and I look at the date, as I realize, wow, today is special! A moment frozen forever in the casket of my memory.

Questions and questions!!!

I have been thinking…
What is progress? Who defines this progress? Why should one progress? Why do we need goals? Why do we need accolades? Why do we need career graphs? Why do we need personal milestones? Why do we need a vision?

Statistics and History, both say that “WINNERS” had vision, goals and made progress to achieve their personal milestones and the accolades were showered on them for their progress. But who are winners? Are they the people who are claimed winners by the society? Are they the people who are in the history books, whose stories I had to study during school? Or are they those, who I stumbled upon in the library to quench my thirst of reading books? Then, what about the numerous others who succeeded but did not lay a claim to the big apple of fame and what about all those who fought valiantly in the face of defeat and still stood their ground, even though they fought for a lost cause? Who decides who a winner is? Just because few had a chance to showcase their name in the history books, does not mean that they alone are winners and just because there is a common belief that, they who have fame and power are successful, does not mean they are successful.

Is it not “we” who give a voice to the society? Is it not “us” who speak the majority of opinion? But, then, if every one follows a group blindly, because it is the common ground, who is leading that pack? Is this why we do not have leaders any more? If everyone is happy to lead a life of a second hander, eventually bullying the people with the awareness of these second-handers into treason, what is the society coming to? Being aware and forced to act on would be an excuse, but how can one face this faceless hypocrisy? How can one fight this formless inhumanity? When the society frowns upon the use of profanity in PUBLIC and sheds a tear for a blast or a tornado or a hurricane, why then, that collective society cannot join hands to bring in a sense of integrity to their thoughts? Like a pack of herd, we move through the roads of the jungle, not once stopping to think, if that is really what one wants. We progress, without actually knowing why we want to progress. We set a goal, but why do we set that goal? What is sense of achievement? What is pride in oneself all about?

On the other hand, society is basically the common group we live in, which changes from place to place and day to day and hence, their common beliefs change from moment to moment, at whim. When that “society” itself does not have integrity in terms of thought or voice, why should one care a damn about this society, eventually chipping off the little integrity that one holds? If this society is supposed to be discarded, then, why are near ones dear? Are they not part of that society, whose thoughts are influenced by what people think and say? Then, if the society should not be cared for, should one not care for all those who mean something to them? Perhaps this is an exception! But that exception can also be a compromise. But, how can one hide behind this compromise, always, for the foolishness of their decisions or choices? Or how can one make an excuse of compromise or be martyr when it makes little sense? Who are these people who take a piece of you with every step you take, just because they lay a claim that they are near?

I think, all boils down to the fact that, there is no middle way to live life. If one wants to compromise, whatever be the reason, they slip into the charade of living life by the demands of the people round them and they are not living their life. So, why should one live such a life? If they do not compromise, the aloofness would be treated as indifference, which would mean that these people SHOULD be changed, as they are not the ideal people to live with. One can accept sympathy, compromise and sacrifice, but one cannot accept individuality, independence, both in terms of thought and expression and one can certainly not accept integrity!!! That is the sad truth!!! The half baked ideas of independence or individuality hold no meaning to all these people and as the vigor for life slowly chips away, their job is done! But, then, if one chooses to be walking martyr for the pressure of the words or circumstances, he is held as an error for the people who want him to do otherwise and he is a victim to his own thought, neither getting peace nor solace through the people who care for him or love him. He gets sympathy, which is assumed to be love.

Either I am a cynic or have completely lost it!

But again, history and the statistics both prove that people who are considered successful are those who dared to look within themselves and trusted their inner voice to point a path and traversed that path without care or damn about this "success" concept. The very people who were condemned for the path they chose, as they went against the tide, will now be the societal icons (if they succeed) and the people who condemned them, walk around them and call themselves followers! The memory is short for the people around and just as failure is a cardinal sin, success gives an overnight fame and with fame comes the power to control the very aspect that gives this fame. (Fame is nothing but the name coined by this society we live in, right?). That is the irony! So, should one follow their path or take the highway and risk their life? Or, should one bow down and be run over by the pack and tag along, with absolutely no claim to life? How should one live? How CAN one live?


Can someone please answer??

Farewell...

I opened a closed chamber today,
To confront the demons I held in that,
I know, it IS time…

I traversed this path many a time,
I know the end and as the dusk approaches,
I have a journey to make, a longer journey,
Into the depths of the night and into the shadows of the past,
Off to the delusions of the world that is mine and mine alone…
A knife in plain view, the end, painless and swift…

The fork in the road and the paths detached,
The forlorn thoughts and the myriad tears,
Together we traverse, yet alone in our paths,
Into the depths and into the cataclysms,
I hear you no more,
Not in the rhythm of my heart, Not in the need of my breath,
I am there for you, no more,
Not in the curves of your body at the dusk, Not in the lyrical hum of your heart in the morning…

Alone and breathing, two hearts as one,
Farewell, dear one, my heart in yours, forever more to keep or throw,
I journey alone, through the Gates of Mordor…
The first step I take, seals my fate…
North, West, South are the nature’s obstacles,
Tide or fortune, one cannot face…
Journey north-west dear one, at least you can fight the enemy with face,
I leave you to your fate, bliss or sorrow, yours to make,
None mine, never it was… foolish was I, to think other wise!!!
Just make sure, you journey quiet and walk straight,
I won’t hear you no more,
I won’t see you no more…
This time, I walk alone…

Incomplete thoughts

Things that keep us aloof, keep me alive,
Things that keep me alive, keep me alone.
Should I forgo the aloofness or the loneliness?
Which is more dear and which is more near?

Goodbye, dear Uncle!!!

There is a sense of impending doom hanging around as a life balances thinly in the clutches of despair. In these situations, even a tiny hope might help a person retain the faith in the almighty, but I have a reason to challenge his games today! Clutching to the last straw of hope, I ask of him to help us retain the trust in him, at least my trust in him. Somehow, couple of years have been trying and I cannot stand another let down from his side at all. “Life stops for no one and when it does, nothing else matters”, was posted as a comment on my post recently, by a very dear friend. And how true could she get!!! I do not open my heart and wail that this cannot be happening to me, but I do wail, sometimes openly and sometimes inside for reasons unknown and it is one of those trying moments where I need to be strong for people round me, even at the behest of coming out as cold hearted. But that matters little, when things slide down a pit hole and one is in a desperate need of rope to dangle down that hole, however thin it may be and perhaps that additional minute of hope might make all the difference.

With a prayer on everyone’s lip, we silently will the tide to turn in our favour, every minute clinging onto a ray of hope that is withering. Why is it that people who want to live their life, find themselves in the midst of a tragedy, when people who want to die seem to get on with their lives with a half hearted attempt at it? No offense meant to belittle a life anywhere, yet, that seems to be a genuine fact. I do not like going to hospitals at all, for the experience leaves me all messed up and edgy most of the times, but I did one mistake because of my cowardice which I refuse to do the second time, so I went to visit my uncle and with a wavering heart, I stand in front of him, seeing his life being pumped by a machine. My heart aches to reach out and touch him, yet afraid that I might mess something up. The conflicting emotions of anger, of pain, of despair pass through me as I watch his face shake a couple of times and his eyes open to look around. In that moment’s consciousness, he looks at me and beckons me closer. I take a step closer to him and he shakes his head, asking ME, IF, I WAS OK!!! I nod, telling him that I am OK and he would be OK too. And the next moment he is asleep. I could barely control the tears as I fiercely hold them back to squeeze my aunt’s hand, who was barely in control of herself. And from that moment, everything else is covered in a mist that is thick enough to block the entire world out!!!

I wrote the above on Saturday, hoping that some miracle is on the reckoning… and here I sit, on Monday, with everything done and dusted and the lives of three families shattered, all looking above for some comfort, knowing that even HE cannot provide any. Here I sit, reminiscing the past, the toddler I was in his laps, the little girl I was, running behind him, the kid who looked through his eyes, the journeys he travelled… for, he always brought me a carefully thought out present from every tour of his, the niece I was, who sat next to him, during his marriage and the adult I was, when I took care of his kids from their innocence to puberty… and here I am, shocked beyond my wildest dreams and at a loss of words to offer comfort to the little kid who is still in the process of getting a grip of the reality. Shared ice creams, partners in caroms and shuttle – I shared quite a few moments with him and to think, I will not even see him, again is utterly devastating. There was a phase in my life, where I did push away every relation and today, despite trying to make amends for my cowardice, I keep losing these strings. Death does not really mar the memories or does not diminish the love. The bonds are forever there and I am sure he will still feel the love that aches for him, for, those bonds are not physical, they are tuned to their subconscious, which will linger on and on, as long as the memories last, even a tiny bit of memory.

An invaluable lesson, learnt the hard way – life is short, live it the way you want to live, surrounded by the people you love and who love you back, for at the end of the day, these are the people who shed a tear for you and these are the people, whose regards reach out and comfort you and give you the strength to move forward in life, when the tide is difficult to navigate, rather than wasting time being a spectacle to the people who care a damn about you. Age has nothing to do with death; young and old alike, suffer and wither. Despite the heavy day, eyes refuse to droop. And the silence that has enveloped me has nothing to do with a quiet house. The incessant voice inside me is silent and the slide show of the incidents, bring in a scene by scene play of the good times and bad and the worst. At 45, and with his first stroke, he should have made it and he should have been amongst us today, but, as it turns out, he wished his farewell when he sat in the car for going to the hospital and on this very fateful day, last week, he was operated, to never ever remain the same.

Good bye, dear uncle, journey well… if there was any way things would have been different, I would have gladly given half of my life to you, if God could only listen to my prayers!!! Whatever I want, I already have and the rest – home, marriage, family and kids – have little interest to me. But, you have so much to live for - you have two wonderful kids, who love and respect you and need you and have a beautiful wife, who would gladly cut her heart out to see you live a happy life, she truly enriched yours and fulfilled yours, by just being her and today, you stranded her in the midst of the life… how do you think you would offer her the courage to live through this trauma? All said and done, nothing matters now that the bygone is long way from being a dream, so, until we meet again, journey well and convey my apologies to grandpa… and give him my deepest respect…

I light a candle in your name today,
hoping that it will guide your way...
Past the clouds and into the mystic lands, far, far away...

What does this make me?

Life’s roads are travelled by one and many, yet few make choices that seem to take them to much darker places, with the teasing glory an arm’s length away. Few waver and few fumble, but there are a few, who walk through the road, undeterred by the cataclysm that might strike them in an unseen future and few, fumble in the last step and give up. Yet, each life is an experience to learn from, every step taken either forward or backward is a foothold for a fellow comrade. Along these paths, we meet people, with different perceptions and different facets, each intriguing and few disheartening. That providence meet can last an impression so strong that it might eventually change the path in which one traverses and few are disheartening that the foot steps fumble along the way. Its like a maze, each step has a million routes to take, a step in one direction can change the future and perhaps a step in another direction might bring you in a full circle and you are where you started, only, with more experience.

Brain sorts these experiences, categorically, each moving a step up and few moving a step down and a corner for special cases to remember and to learn from. And I had a profound experience lately, though it did not make me ponder so much about life or worth or people, it did give me an insight into the acuity of people. One need not be a psychologist to understand the basic psychology of a person, a slight observation with a fern's acumen is sufficient, but can one presume to understand that person in a day? Even a psychologist, sure as hell cannot understand a person completely. Every page offers a new script, the past is a mystery, the future too is a mystery, the present, well, depends on the person. Few are mysterious, few are intriguing, few are fascinating, few are plain dull and few are full of life. But, are these the actual faces of the person? Or are these facades, behind which lies the actual person? Should one try and unmask this façade? Should one try and presume that they could unmask that façade? Or should one just plainly accept the present moment and be done with it?

The second face, the naked face that lies beneath the carefully constructed masks of each person comes to surface in the dire situations that actually speak volumes about the person and there are few who notice those second faces. Honestly, the difference might be a momentary word or an unguarded laugh, where the thin mask is shred and out comes the self. Can one find out such differences in the first, second, third meetings? Perhaps a month? Perhaps a year? The words that travel mouth to mouth, ear to ear, heart to heart – each have a stamp on them, but none are original. But if these words are in your mind and the garbled body language the person is communicating might be hard to understand and more importantly, with a preconceived notion, if one interprets the faces in front of them, they might lose a chance of meeting someone truly inspiring, yet, many a day, we tend to ignore the heart’s message to not listen to slanderers. Yet, we indulge in this hideous notion of slandering, without even knowing the person! And, we entertain the fantasy of knowing another person.

Words, they sting, but they still embrace me. Nothing communicates faster than the words written. Those very words can slice a heart too as they can teach you to watch the step you take. But then, honestly, should every word be considered and pondered? Is it worth the effort to even comprehend their meaning, when they mean nothing to you? If I choose to ignore those drops of poison, does that make me a loner? If I choose to answer back, does that make me an arrogant person? And if I choose to still accept people and speak my mind out, does that make me less empathetic to them? If I choose to show the person their place if the word or rebuke is unwarranted, does that make me proud and conceited? If I choose to not let myself be run down by their perception of me, am I aloof? Why cannot one understand that the people I am surrounded with, are all having their own life that is far too important and have a time that is much more important and if the person is adept at filtering through the bullshit, sugar coating a word does not take the sting away? If I believe that every person should cut through the icing because it does not take us anywhere, should I force myself to be flattering yet sarcastic?

Yet, with all these thoughts, I can only thank my stars, that I can block the unnecessary and continue the journey in my life without a care to the presumptuous pompousness that neither requires an acknowledgement nor consideration! But if one wants to perceive that I have an attitude, here is a little something to ponder: Dude, get a life and live it, rather than trying to make mine enriching and fulfilling. Thank you very much!!!

Mindset!!

When a person is in a negative frame of mind, anything and everything that happens around that person tends to contribute to the negative emotions in that person. This means that, even though the random act of kindness which would have been considered positive, tend to turn out to be frustrating aspects to that person. Like, if I am in a negative frame of mind and my sister, lets out an off hand comment that the dress I was wearing was not great, I might tend to let it pass if I was in a normal mood, but, since I was in a negative frame of mind, I tend to judge that she was being critical of me. This happens more often than not. For that matter, if she goes that extra mile and tends to make me a cup of coffee, I tend to look out for a reason to see why she is being nice and if by chance she asks me what is the time, I know that she made me this cup of coffee to ask me the time. (I know, I am being ridiculous here, but, then, I am just trying to say that the positive deeds that tend to normally fall in the good deeds category, suddenly become opportunistic and manipulative, when the person’s perspective is negative and boggled down with turmoil of whatever sort!).

I was reading about the frame of mind and how it influences the day or the life of the person and I have to say, I was on a roll by the time I completed the first page! I was on a roll because I think there is a little too much of theory to prove the author’s point. But, I was wondering, if one has trusted a person with all his heart and that person broke the trust, that would definitely put the person on the defensive to ever be able to trust the same person again and since the person has gone through what it feels like to have the trust broken, it also puts him on guard to ever be able to trust another person at the same level! In these situations, despite the passage of time, it is not easy to open up or be in a positive frame of mind. If that is the case, how would one get over it? Despite knowing that the chances coming his way might thin down with the passage of time and that he might be missing some truly astounding people because he is unwilling to trust someone, can anyone blame him? In this scenario, to convince himself of the good in the world might not really be effective and I could not particularly appreciate the author’s point of view that the person would know from his gut whether he can trust someone or no.

Gut feel is just that, the raw gut. Many a time it is a saviour, but many other times, it is a heart break too… Look at all those people who fell in love and ruined their peace of mind because their heart had this feeling that the person is right, only to realize in the long run that their choice was incorrect. The author points out that, there might have been some vibes, that there might have been some inclination of negative energy level that they failed to read and eventually made their life miserable. But I tend to contradict that, one might perhaps feel in his heart that the person may be right, but once he thinks he has made the right choice and is head over heels with that person, can he honestly say that he had time to evaluate things? Love is work and it is not cut out! One needs to do a lot of hard work to sustain it over a period of time and turn it into something more beautiful, like a family that will be loved and cherished. It is a life long work with the burden shared and in this situation, one does not have time to observe the little nuances or symbols that indicate the hole in the ship until the storm has come and the ship begins to rock and sink! Instead of going that far into the relation of commitment, one might take a simpler example of a work day. There are many such days, one would feel that the day would be gruelling and it eventually turns out to be that. Now, perhaps that person might not have a rational explanation as to why he felt so, but then, he had prior experience of those days and he knows it in his heart that he is correct, but would that prepare him for that day? I mean, for an engineer, who has a release that day, no matter how many releases he might have been a part of, there is always this blood in the gut feel that comes when the date is approaching and no matter the prior experiences of the worst kind, every release has a way of giving a sleepless night and no amount of preparation or experience can help that person. Gut feel or no, one has to endure that stinking cloud until it passes over!

I have never appreciated these self help books or theoretical inspirational talks that say that one’s mind is a gold mine of ideas and it takes nothing more than self-control to control that mind! Yes, correct! And that self control comes through a diligent thought process and that thought process is again the work of mind! So, in order to control the mind, one has to teach that mind how to control it through the very ideas that stem through the mind. See, how confusing? Then, I get a counter argument saying that there are billions of gates, that take an input and give an output and not all those gates are AND gates or whatever! Well, whatever it is, life is simpler if one believes that as long as one has the strength to accept the consequences, heart and mind will guide them in the right way and each human is intelligent enough to realize that! Frame of mind is a state that one endures through experiences and once one thinks through those experiences, they get to a better frame of mind that helps them through that murk. One will eventually get through that murk and learn more experiences that help him either evade or escape the trying situations or give him the strength to go through those situations since he already endured what it feels like and succeeded through those trying times, to know that he will outlast this storm as well.

See, this topic can be quite trying, for I would eventually say that all the self help books just speak what I feel from gut, which has no rationale :D. and so I closed that book, forever, never to open it again! I am not going to mention the name of the book that I closed in the second chapter, either! But why did I bother opening a self help book when I detest the idea so much? Well, as time would have it, I sometimes act a bit conked, which is not out of ordinary, but, me trying to challenge myself to go beyond that single page is quite irrational! Again, my gut says I will hate it and it proved right! For crying out loud, I wonder, when I read my thoughts in a book, they scare the living day lights out of me, how can one honestly endure my company? Am I scary too? I am not against the genre of these books, just that these are not for me, for each person has their own philosophy about life and how they intend to deal with that philosophy! Perhaps there is something in that 250-page book, that will eventually help me learn how to tune my mind, but I have little patience. I am a toddler in life who wishes to crawl, try to walk, fall down, get up, dust down myself and take a step. I will eventually learn how to walk and take confident steps forward in life. Learning is natural to any living being and it is natural to me too and it is natural to everyone out there too!!!

Phew! :)

Good Will Hunting

Good Will Hunting is about “Will Hunting”, a genius math whiz, played by Matt Damon and how he overcomes his fear of abandonment and curbs his defence to move forward in life and how Sean, his shrink, played by Robin Williams, helps him in doing that. The actors enact their roles perfectly and I have to say that, perhaps this is the movie that gave Matt Damon a standing for what he is today!!

Working as a janitor in the prestigious college of MIT, Will solves a difficult problem that was posted on the college board for the students by the Math professor, field Medalist Gerald Lambeau , played by Stellan Skarsgard, as a challenge for his students to complete by the end of the semester. When the professor calls for a meeting to appreciate the student who solves the problem, he is surprised that no one claims for their hard work. He posts another problem that took his colleagues over two years to solve and he by chance spots a janitor writing something on that board. When he shoos away the janitor he was surprised to see that the problem was solved and thus begins his hunt for this janitor.

Will on the other hand, gets into trouble for beating a guy whom he suspects to have harassed him in kindergarten and kicks a cop who responded to the chaos. The judge refuses to let go of this incident considering the past charges on Will and Lambeau, who sees a potential in Will, decides to intervene on his behalf and cuts a deal with the judge: Either spend time in jail or study Mathematics under his supervision and accept therapy. Will chooses the latter and thus begins his journey of breaking into the self defence he built around himself to close down the memories of his abused childhood spent in foster homes and facing his inner demons for what he was not responsible.

Will is an arrogant, defensive, brilliant Math whiz whose intelligence borders genius, yet has trouble answering simple questions in life and trusting people. His defence is to shut out people before they could abandon him, so that he need not go through the pain of rejection. He messes up the sessions with the psychiatrists that Lambeau sets up for him through sheer arrogance and mistrust. Lambeau realizing that he needs someone who can break into him reaches out to his old class mate, Sean and requests him to help Will. In the first meeting between Sean and Will, Will makes a sarcastic comment about Sean’s wife and the painting hung in Sean’s room.
Sean threatens to kill Will if he ever said anything about his wife, ever again. After a much thought over Will’s words, Sean realizes that Will is just a kid and lets go of the incident.

This is the conversation between Sean and Will after that incident:

“If I asked you about art, you'd probably give me the skinny on every art book ever written. Michelangelo? You know a lot about him. Life's work, political aspirations. Him and the pope. Sexual orientation. The whole works, right? I bet you can't tell me what it smells like in the Sistine Chapel. You never actually stood there and looked up at that beautiful ceiling. Seeing that.
If I ask you about women, you'll probably give me a syllabus of your personal favorites. You may have even been laid a few times. But you can't tell me what it feels like to wake up next to a woman... and feel truly happy.
You're a tough kid. I ask you about war, you'd probably throw Shakespeare at me, right? "Once more into the breach, dear friends." But you've never been near one. You've never held your best friend's head in your lap and watched him gasp his last breath looking to you for help.
If I asked you about love, you'd probably quote me a sonnet, but you've never looked at a woman and been totally vulnerable. Known someone that could level you with her eyes. Feeling like God put an angel on Earth just for you, who could rescue you from the depths of hell. And you wouldn't know what it's like to be her angel, to have that love for her, be there forever. Through anything. Through cancer. And you wouldn't know about sleeping, sitting up in a hospital room... for two months, holding her hand, because the doctors could see in your eyes... that the terms "visiting hours" don't apply to you.
You don't know about real loss, 'cause that only occurs when you love something more than you love yourself. I doubt you've ever dared to love anybody that much.
I look at you. I don't see an intelligent, confident man. I see a cocky, scared shitless kid. But you're a genius, Will. No one denies that. No one could possibly understand the depths of you. But you presume to know everything about me because you saw a painting of mine. You ripped my fuckin' life apart.
You're an orphan, right? Do you think that I'd know the first thing about how hard your life has been - how you feel, who you are - because I read Oliver Twist? Does that encapsulate you? Personally, I don't give a shit about all that, because - You know what? I can't learn anything from you... I can't read in some fuckin' book. Unless you wanna talk about you, who you are. And I'm fascinated. I'm in. But you don't wanna do that, do you sport? You're terrified of what you might say. Your move, chief.”

The movie builds around the interaction and building up of trust between Will and Sean and how the life of Sean actually inspires Will to trust a person into his life. The conversation about how Sean misses the home run to spend a date with the girl whom he thinks would change his life forever marks a distinct impression on Will. When Will could not believe that Sean passed the ticket to watch home run for a girl and that he had not regretted not watching it, Sean comes up with a fantastic dialogue that actually speaks a lot about this movie.

“No, I'm not kidding you, Will. That's why I'm not talking right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counselling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missing the damn game. That's regret.”

That was a very touching statement, which speaks about the character Sean and probably connects to Will at some level that inspires him to not let go of his girl, Skylar, whom he meets at a Harvard bar. But he blows off the relation when he gets all defensive about moving to California with her, when she asks if he would be willing to come to California to stay with her and give her love a chance to move into something more.

In a conversation with his best friend, Chuck, played by Ben Affleck, where Will speaks about his break up and his thought about staying up here forever, living next door to him and taking his kids to the Patriot games, Chuck speaks his mind about what he thinks of Will and how it would be an insult to him to see his life go for a waste in the construction sites. This speaks a lot more about the character Chuck and the relation he shares with Will. Up until that scene, Will’s friends are just a bunch of guys who hang around each other, who are willing to go to any length for their friend, but, the fact that Will is special and that they expect him to make something out of himself comes out clear in this conversation.

“Look - you're my best friend, so don't take this the wrong way. In twenty years, if you're still livin' here, comin' over to my house to watch the Patriots games, still workin' construction, I'll fuckin' kill you. That's not a threat; now, that's a fact. I'll fuckin' kill you.”

When Will questions him about what he meant by that,
“You got somethin' none of us have...”
“Oh, come on! What? Why is it always this? I mean, I fuckin' owe it to myself to do this or that. What if I don't want to?”
“Fuck you, you don't owe it to yourself man, you owe it to me. Cuz tomorrow I'm gonna wake up and I'll be 50, and I'll still be doin' this shit. And that's all right. That's fine. I mean, you're sittin' on a winnin' lottery ticket. And you're too much of a pussy to cash it in, and that's bullshit. 'Cause I'd do fuckin' anything to have what you got. So would any of these fuckin' guys. It'd be an insult to us if you're still here in 20 years. Hangin' around here is a fuckin' waste of your time.

Every day I come by your house and I pick you up. And we go out. We have a few drinks, and a few laughs, and it's great. But you know what the best part of my day is? For about ten seconds, from when I pull up to the curb and when I get to your door, 'cause I think, maybe I'll get up there and I'll knock on the door and you won't be there. No goodbye. No see you later. No nothing. You just left. I don't know much, but I know that.”

The movie has a lot of touching scenes enacted beautifully, but one particular scene would have touched Will to show how much his friends care for him comes out when they all pool in to present him with a car on his 21st birthday. After much thought and self-realization, Will ends up taking Sean’s advice to follow his heart. the movie ends with a note to Sean from Will, saying that he shall be following his heart and sets out to California to begin a new life with his girl friend.

“I gotta see about a girl.”

The movie is as much about Will as is about every other person out there, who has something to fear. This movie connects a lot at several levels, in that it challenges one to embrace the chances life offers and not regret not taking that chance, for there might be something beautiful that awaits round that corner. Incidents happen in life that can leave scars on the person, but then, that is the way of life. But how one deals with those incidents is the crux of life too. It is about battling that inner demon that pulls one down and rising above the self blame when things get out of hand and change life topsy-turvy. The movie is about Will Hunting who faces these demons and accepts the chance that life offers him!

I like this movie and it remains an all time favourite.

Ganesha, do we have a deal???

I am ridiculously looking forward to the Ganesh Chaturdi. Been a long time since I looked forward to something and it comes as a refreshing wave to have something to look forward to. He is trusted to stop the obstacles in their way at his very thought and since I want to start on a fresh chapter in my life, (no wedding bells, yet, before someone would ask!!!, just the general belief coincidentally: When you fall flat and have no where to go, look above and help will be there), I think, tomorrow would be the best day to start it. Wish me luck people!!!

Today has been one of those days, where I started off pretty well and all of a sudden went down for some unknown reason. I went to office, (no, my manager is not killing me, YET, but probably WILL, sometime in the future ) and had no mood to work, tried doing it for about three hours before I gave up knowing that, what would take an hour, would take a day, with the mood I was in, so went out. Books are probably the only things that connect to me so well that they can lift me from any dump to ecstasy and this new bookstore should have made me ecstatic, to be surrounded by something so very personal and enjoyable, yet there was something that was weighing me down, as a last good bye to a dear friend, the feeling, the emotion. Cannot say why or what, just that wave of nausea that seems to have ripped into me. for some unknown reason, the thing that always offered me comfort unsettled me even more! But anyway, it was a passing cloud and I am back to normal.

Ganesh chaturdi has been my favourite festival of sorts and I don't know who looks forward to the delicacies, him or me!! I love to decorate the idol. Wonder if he would be tired of the worship though(9 days, obviously he would be tired!)! But, then he must be tired already, to listen to the chants, those that he can swat with a hand and rest while his heart searches for a soul who truly needs his presence for something really vital. Anyway, I just want to remind him that I have already placed my application and will be flagging him down tomorrow and I would be enthralled if he could accept mine and bless me with the tiniest portion of warmth in the lives of me and my family. And give me the strength and will to sustain impulses (so against my type) and live a life (this is something I do normally, but I would give anything for a hormone called compassion and empathy in my blood) and bless me with patience (which is so unlike me too). So, Ganesha, do we have a deal? Please say, yes!!!

Mr. Lonely - Akon

I have been listening to this song since morning and I cannot get around the part of

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,..

I don’t know who sung this part in the song, but the bit is simply catchy. Rest of the song is good too… but then, what exactly is that voice or what is that sort of singing called? :)

Lonely I'm Mr Lonely,
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely, I'm Mr. Lonely
I have nobody,
For my owwnnn
I'm so lonely,

Yo, this one here, goes out to all my playas out there ya kno got that one good girl whose always been there like ya
Kno took all the bullshit then one day she cant take it no more and decides to leave

I woke up in the middle of the night and I noticed my girl wasn't by my side, coulda sworn I was dreamin, for her, I was
Feenin, so I hadda take a little ride, back tracking ova these few years, tryna figure out wat I do to make it go bad, cuz
Ever since my girl left me, my whole life came crashin and

I'm so lonely (so lonely),
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Cant belive I hadda girl like you and I just let you walk right outta my life, after all I put u thru u still stuck
Around and stayed by my side, what really hurt me is I broke ur heart, baby you were a good girl and I had no right, I
Really wanna make things right, cuz without u in my life girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girl

Been all about the world ain't neva met a girl that can take the things that you been through
Never thought the day would come where you would get up and run and I would be out chasing u
Cuz aint nowhere in the globe id rather be, aint noone in the globe id rather see then the girl of my dreams that made me
Be so happy but now so lonely

So lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girrll

Never thought that id be alone, I didnt hope you'd be gone this long, I jus want u to call my phone, so stop playing girl and
Come on home (come on home), baby girl I didn't mean to shout, I want me and you to work it out, I never wished Id ever
Hurt my baby, and its drivin me crazy cuz...

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own)

I'm so lonely (so lonely)
I'm Mr. Lonely (Mr. Lonely)
I have nobody (I have nobody)
To call my own (to call my own) girll

Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, (so lonely),
Mr. Lonely, so lonely
So lonely, so lonely, (so lonely), Mr. Lonely

Love aaj kal

Love aaj kal – kind of gave me mixed feelings. Leaving out the direction, the songs and even the story, the theme was good enough for me. Few of the dialogues in the movie were simply superb and the contrast in the love of the previous generation and this generation was aptly portrayed, but, the conclusion that love shall remain was a bit of an off to the theme perhaps. If the movie is talking about two people practical enough to make wise decisions, it also shows that those practical decisions are not worth it, for at the end of the day, once their ambitions or the practicalities are stripped bare, then, eventually the loneliness creeps in and causes a mess that none would be too happy to deal with.

The movie is about two people who fall in love with each other in London. The typical “today’s” love that starts with coffee and ends with a “good bye – can’t commit” sort. Meera (Deepika Padukone) and Jai (Saif Ali Khan) walk into this relation, which would be called dating. They walk around, hand in hand for sometime and finally realized that their destinies are different and be practical about the relation. The girl wants to go to India to renovate the old forts, buildings etc etc and Jai wants to go to San Francisco to construct bridges (literally). So they part with a bang, throwing a huge party to all their friends. A comic scene :D. And at the end of the party was the farewell hug and a drop of the tear (SIGH). In the middle of the night, walking on the streets with his friends, Jai wants coffee, which basically is the closing time for café’s around and his friends manage to speak about his broken heart and the owner, who, as expected, was an Indian, who understands the heart break and insists that the café be open. Enter the older version of Saif Ali Khan, Veer played by Rishi Kapoor, into the scene, and his love saga told in bits and pieces which was irritating, but also interesting. It was irritating because the movie blends both the older generation and the younger generation’s love, with no specific pattern, interesting because it is nice to observe the differences. From this point onwards, the movie starts the swing of the pendulum from old to new, from ecstasy to depression, from success to tears, from marriage to departure, from love to despair and finally to conclusion. Phew, that was some stream of emotion!!!

Meera moves to India, but continues to be in touch with Jai. Jai walks around London, getting to know Veer’s love story and finding a new girl friend, Joe. Meera finds a new boy friend, Vikram, who is her co-worker and boss. Jai finally comes to India along with Joe, dumps her in a hotel and meets Meera and for the duration of the stay, they keep meeting without telling their respective dating partners. On the new year’s eve, in a private party, Meera and Vikram are sitting at a table, with Vikram talking about something and Jai walks into the party with his girl friend Joe and takes a table closer to them and Meera and Jai communicate through SMS!! Ridiculous! But, after a few minutes in the party, they meet anonymously when Meera says that Vikram proposed her and asked her hand in marriage. Jai reacts in a typical way, the usual, ok, it is just a proposal, not that you are getting married, sort. Meera lashes out saying, they cannot meet and they cannot talk, typical girl talk! Jai asks why (duh!!). She says, she is thinking of marriage and if he was near her, she cannot open her heart to someone else (wow! Splendid!). So, they break up, yet again!

After a little more of the drama, Jai gets an invite for Meera’s marriage. He attends it and again (I am getting tired of this rendition!), meets Meera privately. This is the killer of the scenes. The guy speaks about his love for her (although not typically sentimental), but says that he is alright and again says he is not alright and leaves the place. Meera on the other hand, walks into Vikram’s life and a day later says that she needs to go to Jai and sort out the issue. She was unclear as to why she had done whatever she had done, but she needs to talk it over with Jai, else she is doing a mistake again. Is it as easy as that? To walk out on a marriage (??) and she leaves to meet him. On her way, she gives a call only to hear that Jai has got an offer in San Francisco! SO, she lets go of him! (How, romantic! Why can’t people realize that any sacrifice is useless?). Jai is in San Francisco, doing his dream job and in a single song, he rises to the heights and ends in despair after realizing that he realized his dream, but something is not quite right! Wow, did the lightning strike him then? So he comes back to India, only to find her waiting. To cut the long story short, they meet and marry and if there is a happily ever after, well, perhaps, they lived happily ever after!

Why such a blatant story is a hit is something I cannot understand. I mean, if you want to show the practicality of a relation, ideally the girl should have continued to live her life, not that love is essential to sustain a marriage, c’mon, how many ‘love’ relations end in marriage? Ideally or logically, the guy should have met someone and lived his life, end of story! But no, they have to bring in the senti stuff of love and one love for one life and etc etc.

What I liked about the movie was its realistic approach to the dialogues of a typical guy afraid of commitment, of a typical girl of today, independent and individualistic, the talks of the couple – literally a page borrowed from the youngsters love in a pub and finally the mutual parting. (This is the current trend!). It could not effectively portray what would happen when the decision is taken in the wrong time. What is Vikram’s life now? How can Meera walk in and walk out of that relation, just like that? What was Jai thinking to walk back into her life after five years? Was he expecting her to wait, if not, what would she be going through to see him, yet not choose him?

Why are the people in love so damn confused to not know their heart? To not know its own beat? To not know where their happiness lies? Why is it that they can realize only when the things get out of hand? Why do they rush into a relation only to realize they cannot hold it and start a conflicting set of emotions in their lives? Why not just go along with life and make it beautiful than tangle in a mess called love? Love, but not commit, marry but not love, commit but not marry – how can they have so many different meanings? Either my mind is too warped with the concept of love as it exists today and it seriously needs some reconsideration! Perhaps, there is no love as such, just flings for an attractive human. There is no heart in today’s relation, there is practicality and walking martyrs and perhaps that is the reason they cannot realize love even when it is bare in front of the eyes and run around the sour grapes hanging high above. Today’s generation have careers, ambitions, secured houses, life insurances, medical claims, car loans, house loans, pubs, restaurants, friends, malls – the artificiality bought and spent, but, when all these take a cut, what remains is an empty hulk in a walled chamber, where a wet tissue does not wipe the tear, a foundation cannot mask the scar or the wrinkle and a peg cannot soothe the raging heart! And when all these begin to ache, the questions haunt and life is hell and then, they realize it is too late!!! Modern society, culture, independence, money – all are equivalent to crap, when the heart is silenced!

(God has given this generation brain and nothing more – or something like that was the dialogue in the film, how true!!)

Hmm… note to self – do not think! Not worth the time or the effort!

I am Happy!!

Hmmm. Thank you for all the warm souls who cared enough to give me a call and find out what the heck is wrong with me and this post is exclusively for them.

Like a cool breeze that gives in a spurt of free air in the midst of a hot summer, the beauty sleep in its regal self visited me last night and I slept for a damn straight 12 hours. I slept at 9:10 and woke up at 8:45 today morning with absolutely no thought to spare in my mind and I am glad that I got this sleep. I never knew I missed it :). So, the first thing I am doing is post this, to share my happiness. And my mind better be in form today, else I shall sue it for non-cooperation!!!

Have a bright day ahead….

'I will' to 'I want'

A few years ago,
Some Day:
“Daddy!!! I want to be a star!”
“Why?”
“Stars twinkle, stars are bright and stars make me smile.”
“OK.”

Another Day:
“Dad! I will be a teacher!”
“Why?”
“I don’t have to do homework.”
“OK”

Some Another day:
“Dad! I will be a pilot.”
(SIGH – inaudibly) “Why?”
“Because I can fly!!”
Smiles, “OK”.

As days passed, these conversations of ‘I will be’, became distant. I wonder if he still waits around to see me walking into the room, filled with conviction, saying, “Dad, I will..., because of so and so”. With coming up of age and the convictions becoming more pronounced, the “I will”, became, “I want” and the will to do something transformed to a want of nothing! I wonder if he still awaits this incessant change of heart of a young kid, his young kid. Does he know that his little girl still remains his little girl and will forever remain like that, no matter what I would be or where I would be? Does he wish that I remained a little kid who slept on his belly or cuddled closer to him in the sleep with arms round his neck? Perhaps not! But he might wish that I would some day walk into the room and say, “I am this and I will be this”, rather than asking of him, “I want this.” Perhaps, he is waiting for a change of heart and a jubilant smile!! (SIGH)

!!An interesting Conversation!!

I have a big problem. I can’t sleep. I just cannot. I am tired of sleeping, perhaps, but can any human be tired of sleep? I suppose not, which brings a most basic question, what am I, if not human! The last I slept fitfully was last Thursday and since then, I had four hours of sleep, including the weekend. Can anyone try and explain me the reason why I cannot sleep? I see the time and it is four, sometimes five and I literally force myself to close my eyes and sleep, else I would have a horrendous day at office, but no, my mind refuses to tire and my eyes refuse to relax. It is not like I am not tired, I am, but sleep just eludes me and if you ask, what the heck am I doing at that hour, unable to sleep, well, I try my best to sleep and if it isn’t working, I roam around the house for a few minutes and then stand in the balcony and then open a book. I cannot concentrate, so I leave it and plug in my ipod. I perhaps should have had all the songs by-hearted by now, but then, I am no singer, so, it does not matter. I could perhaps bug a few people online, there are enough insomniacs lurking around, but I am in no mood for a company, nor am I gonna give them a good company, so I guess, I did not bother. But, just last night, I saw a friend online, and I hadn’t spoken with him in a while, so thought of irking him and well, the conversation went on to be the most intriguing and perhaps difficult conversations of all. I seem to see a perspective, different dimension and above all, my mind seem to start working exponentially and well, needless to say, I did not sleep. I am dead tired, yet, I just cannot close my eyes!

The gist of the conversation, that kept me sandwiched between a volcano and a storm (literally), was about love, the most coveted topic and interestingly, being a guy, he tends to take a more practical approach (not all guys are like that), which had me thinking. For me, love is a commitment, to be bonded with that person, for ever. This, people would say is marriage. Perhaps. But when one says, “I love you”, they are unequivocally surrendering their very essence to that person, irrespective of the times, they move forward in a unified journey, or so, I believe. But, he said, that is marriage, not love. Now, I have to ask, if there is no love, why marry? But then, he in turn asked me, parents have two children, do they love both of them? Well, paternal love is different, but since I have had no experience, I cannot say if they have favourites ;). But then, parents and lovers are two different beings. So he in turn asked, if love, according to me, had different meanings. Now, this has me stumped. The very essence of love, is not different. But the perspective of holding it with my guy and my parents would certainly be different. I don’t think it is possible to love someone on an equal level as someone else. I might perhaps understand the concept of letting go, but not the concept of commitment on various levels. So, he asked me, instead of loving, you strike a deal. This had me squirming a bit. How true! Because I believe that without commitment, why love and if it is commitment, how can you accept someone else into your life? which means, I am inevitably forcing the person I love to give me a commitment, which is the only way I can accept love, which means, I am actually writing some sort of an emotional contract. But isn’t this so wrong? I mean, supposedly, love should wish the best of another person and if that person’s best lies in being away from you, should you not let go? Well, I am OK with letting go, as long as I bore no interference from that person in my life, even a glance! And I will not accept someone in my life in his place. I will remain as a shrine to his soul. Then he asked, so you would punish yourself, by living alone. How can that be punishment? Even if it is punishment, it is not as hard as accepting someone else and waking every moment, knowing this is not what I want.

If you are not in love, why marry? Is it that simple though? Marriage involves factors that love does not! Perhaps. But to cheat myself that I will eventually fall in love with someone would be stupidity. If, I ever will have to marry, against my will, to a person of not my choosing, I will be there, for him, for I have promised him my support with all the earthly elements as witness and I will walk with him through walks of life, with no complaints or requests. No love is unrequited and if he loves me, perhaps, my cold heart might beat again, but if he doesn’t care to love me, he doesn’t care enough to want to be loved, so it makes little difference, if I love or don’t and the marriage will last, as a testimony to the thoughtlessness of the societal pressure. In this sense, am I a bonded labour? To be there, with him, with no love, but because I promised? But then, to love one and to marry one, is that not bonded labour? But he says, love is a fantastic feeling and your heart flutters at your lover’s presence. I wonder!!! Well, filmy or romantic, but certainly a myth. People have too much time in their hands and fantasize themselves in a make believe world of their loved ones and think, they are the most beautiful and fantastic creatures existing on the planet, until the monster reality strikes and kicks under the shins to bring in the monstrosity hidden in that fantasy. Marriage need not mean love and love perhaps need not be the basis for marriage, but without love, there is no marriage and without marriage there is nothing to love. You love a person, you move around with him and then, suddenly the lightning strikes you and you realize, shit, I can’t do this, this will be difficult, then it is not love. The physical intimacy is one part of the story, but the other parts, the shared moments of togetherness, the shared visions – they are a part of life and are personal, you can share such intimacy with one and you cannot divide it to different people at various levels. To think you can do that, would be foolish. What about one side love? Just because it did not end in commitment, you cannot take away the feeling that person held for another. No, I cannot. And to think, I would be ok, if he does not love me back, is certainly no answer, for I am not benevolent. But, if he does not love me back, I would accept it, for I am not expecting him to love me back. But, I wont or cant accept the in between, the baseless standard, that I am there for you ,with reservations, that I am with you, until this happens. Pure crap! You are there or you are not. To say, you did not give me a chance, well, you have not tried enough to get a chance. To say, you are not allowing me to speak, well, you did not attempt to make me listen. To say, I tried, well, not enough. You want something, you cant stand high handed and expect it to fall at your feet. Have some spine and bend your back and carve your way in. but then, the egos of the species called homosapiens can damn well be doomed to hell, they can live alone than bend their fucking ego (pardon my slang, but I did no find any strong word to use !) and ask for a hand.

Phew!! That was some conversation, with no conclusive thought, but it made me think a lot. Particularly, are you not striking a deal! How true!

Never ending midnight

DISCLAIMER: This is a fictional story. All the characters are fictional. The incident itself is a creation. Any resemblance to people or to the situations in the real world, is purely coincidental.

-------------------------------------------------------

She sat on the window sill, holding a knife in her hands and looking out of the window. A tear glided down her eyes.

He looked at her from the opposite house. He stared at her intently, his face contorted with anger. He wants to rip him to pieces with his bare hands, but he knew he would not commit himself to it, not while she cared enough to drop a tear for him, not while she cared enough to hurt herself beyond endurance loving him. One day she might outgrow that and that day, he would kill him, even if it would damn him to eternity. But until that day, he will have to sustain the pain her anguish brought to his heart, until that day, he will have to silently will her to live, for her survival is a prerequisite to his existence.

Unaware of another aching heart, she contemplated suicide. As tears dropped down her eyes, her mind opposed the revolting idea while her heart willed to end this endless desert of unhappiness. She hugs herself closer and as the parched earth craves for a drop of rain, she yearns for her love, knowing that the longing is unrequited and that her life is a never ending midnight.

In a futile attempt, he reached out to hold her, to comfort her. He kept staring at her, willing her to endure it, though he saw little sense in that pain. As long as she cares enough to weep, he will have to will her to endure it!

Would it be futile?

Dreams are the interpretations of one’s subconscious mind. What we keep thinking through and through, transforms into a dream and creates a dejavu experience. But, then, at the end of the day, the point is, they are the product of the thoughts in one’s mind. But, we cannot control these subconscious thoughts any more than we can control the flow of air! So, I wonder, would it be a futile attempt to control one’s life beyond a given day, for, if we cannot control a simple thought that originates in our mind, how can we control the time that is beyond anyone’s control? And how can we control life that seems to be proportional to time, in that it ages through time with little clarity as to what it would be tomorrow! And how can one aspire to control someone else’s emotions or feelings, when one cannot control their own thoughts?

It is one of those days, where thoughts just rip through your mind and one of those days you end up feeling totally hideous… I cannot seem to stop thinking, though I am sitting at my desk and have tons to do, but nothing seems to register beyond the altercations in my mind. And it is these days I wonder, if I am a professional, at all!!! Again, the concept of professionalism is too overrated. I wonder, to be a professional, should one close out heart and open only the mind, but then, if my heart is not in it, it being whatever it is that I am doing, then I am no more than a goat at a master’s command and I certainly cannot be like that!

Anyway, the question that is now bothering me is, should one aspire to plan for life or take it as it comes? If we take life as it comes, can one succeed in life? Does taking life as it comes, mean that we need not plan for anything? Then what are goals for? What are objectives for? To aspire, to lead, to win, to gain fame – shouldn’t all these just go into the “let them come” phase of life? Why bother with trivialities when we cannot control the next minute? Can someone answer this?