The definite face, with an indefinite thought…

The definite face,
with an indefinite thought…

Low murmurs and caressed hair,
Long since bygone…
Smile of the heart, kiss of the soul,
Sparkles of the past…

Today, I think of the silence,
Not of comfort or of peace,
With a definite face and
Indefinite thought…

Tomorrow is a new day,
Smiles will return,
Sparkles will return too,
For a friend can never be a foe,
And a fiend can never be a friend,
Fiend and foe can touch my life,
But a smile and a friend touch my soul…

With a definite face and
Indefinite thought,
I smile at a reflection,
Of thought and mind…
In the mirror – called life!
With a zeal for a new hope,
I soar high and above,
To touch the happiness,
Future holds …
With a definite trust
And indefinite hope…

Why Should I?

Trust is an unseen hope…
Can I trust?
Why should I?
After all that was done and said,
I was wrong and you were right, or so you say!
Why should I?

Breach is not just of a word,
For that very word is what held us,
Qualms of mind echo the qualms of heart,
Qualms and qualms, to fetter and deter,
So, why should I?

Terror reigns Mumbai

It hurts to see so many people in despair and not be able to do anything about it. Mumbai has had its share of unpleasantness, but to see this catastrophy… is devastating. I deeply mourn the lives that have been lost in the counter attack and the lives of innocent people and pray for their peace. Whoever they are and whatever their cause, they hold the wrath of the entire nation and they will pay dearly for their acts.

I, as an Indian, believe in my countrymen and the law that governs this nation. There might be loop holes in the system that can be manipulated, there can be corrupt officials, but when it comes to national security, I trust MY country men to stand hand in hand and face the enemy, how many ever lives are lost, to secure the nation for our future generation. I extend my heart and hand to all the fellow Indians and pray that the peace prevails. This is not the time to fight the government or write about the inefficiency of the law, etc, but rather to stand and pledge our support to them in their fight against terrorism and to show the world that, WE stand united against ANY attack and WE fight united, battling our way to victory.

I drop a tear for the people, but the anger for the unjust will not subside until the justice is served…

Post inspired by BOMMARILLU movie

DISCLAIMER: My personal opinion in my personal space.

I watched this movie a few times and every time I am impressed. Not a single statement in the movie is wrong and not a single dialogue unnecessary. The movie touches everyone and can be related to anyone. But what I loved about the movie was the ending. Not everyone has a family like Siddharth and not every one is as persuasive as Siddharth too. This is NOT a review, just some jumble of thoughts that are incessant and need to be jotted down.

Loved the movie for the mixture of reality and wisdom. Loved the way the guy at the end stands up to speak his point. Loved the way he trusted his love to speak and loved the way he just let the dialogues flow, without a break or consideration of his family's emotions, because time has come to choose or break. The first part of the movie was a breeze, the second part also very realistic. Getting torn apart between family and his own self, the guy finding it extremely difficult to convince his family about his choice, with the girl's maturity making life all too difficult for him, the anguish was beautifully portrayed, with him shouting on her, (at least he was communicating!) and she trying to soothe him with her words, unsuccessfully. The tension of the thought of having to let go of her and the tension of the verdict that was soon to befall, the despair and the self struggle was beautifully captured. And finally, the girl standing up for herself, though could understand the anguish of him, let go of him, for she could not respect the person he is becoming, in the process and deciding to call it quits and the aftermath saga – unable to forget the love that existed - was thankfully small, yet splendid. Thankfully, the guy took the reins of his love in his hands and spoke for her. Not many parents attempt to understand the love of their son or daughter, in that he is lucky to have a family like his.

But what would have happened had his family not agreed? Would he have gone ahead like his friends? Would the girl have accepted him? Though he was fighting for her and has shown tremendous character and trust in her and his love, he still forgot to nurture it, defying the purpose of taking her to the house, the promise of providing a good family, when he himself was unable to be good to her! Would he, if he had moved out, be able to sustain that love for her? Would they have stood by each other and respected each other? Would they have been happy? He is a responsible guy, brought up with love, affection and care and very closely tied to the family, would he have survived the loss of his family, had his family disowned him and would he have sustained the pressure of not having the financial stability without the support of his family? Well, unfortunately I could not get an answer to any of these questions!

Falling in love is one thing and sustaining it is another. To be able to choose between love and family is like making a choice between the two eyes and the chances of driving a conclusion is arguably zero. To choose family, is letting love down and choosing love, is insulting the family pride. And the lover, to choose between these two, goes through a phase of despair and emotional trauma. And the love usually disintegrates.

Why do many love stories fail? For they were unable to sustain their love through the testing times, each expecting the other to understand, not understanding that love has to be nurtured and with every passing day, it only appears to be a distant dream, if it is not. It is easy to say, 'I love you' and not many can understand the meaning of it and having said that, not many can understand that it has to be told whenever possible, for there is a thrill in listening to it. But majority of the time, it comes out as a flippant statement only to rip through the heart of a lover. To use phrases like, 'I miss you'. I call them phrases because not many times do people mean it when they say it. Sometimes, it is told as a necessity, sometimes as a desperate hope of clinging onto something that is slipping and sometimes as a responsibility to the lover. But, meaning what was said, many fail to.

What is it that makes it so difficult for a person to open up and speak what is in their heart? What they feel? Is it so difficult to portray emotions? Is it so difficult to call up and say, "hey, how are you? I am missing you.. you alright? Had your food? Are you taking care of yourself?" or is it so difficult to say, " Hey Darling, just thought about you. What's up??" or, with the internet being so convenient a form of communication, is it that difficult to drop a mail, saying, "Hey baby, how you doing? Coming online tonight?"… do these take so much out of a human being? But why is that, after the initial span of "calf love" that all these emotions are left unsaid? How can one forget the very foundation of their relation?

I do not say that one needs to be calling every hour to find out if the other was alright or no, I guess no relation is complete without the comfort of silence, but a person in a relation is a better judge to decide if silence has a role to play in this relation yet or no. When can silence be comfortable? Only when the two people are secure with each other, only when they trust each other and only when they believe in each other, that nothing can affect or separate them, not another person's entry into life or distance or time or the insecurities that time slips in the relation. Many tend to forget that walking with another person's heart in their's is not an easy job, for only love has the purpose of destroying a heart and being in love is giving another the right to destroy it.

I think commitment also plays a huge role in the society that is commitment prone, where marriage is the only form of public display of the love. Sadly commitment is decided by the means of a few vows for which except the person who is chanting the verses (probably), none understand! Complex system, our culture and society and to have to satisfy the hunger of the lustful societal eyes, is a forlorn task.

May be, the egos of the current generation also play a huge role. The gap of a generation behind and the NOW generation is a bit too huge, like B.C. and A.D. and the mentalities of people, though changing there are enough numbers in the world who can be counted on trying to establish the philosophy long since forgotten! With the girl stepping out of the house, the threads that bind her to the house have disappeared and the hunger of standing as an equal counterpart to their counter egos is pushing them to be career obsessed and there by a slippage in the only glue that holds the family. Since guys are brought up with a mentality of earning bread for the family, they see the 'taking care' of house as an additional responsibility of a girl, rather than understanding their share of contribution to it. And being macho enough to ALLOW the girl to work, expect them to take care of the house and his life, else sit in the house, for they DO NOT see the necessity of another bread winner.

Oops! Did I cross a line? In the flow of thoughts? May be this rambling might seem too feminist, but I am not one. May be there are guys out there, who are knights in the shining armour and who know the right way of treating their girl. May be there are guys out there who know the right words to say at the right time and charm their girl into a dream land of their chosen destination. May be!!! But believe me when I say that, if a guy walks one step down, a girl walks ten steps down, even a career obsessed girl and ask your hearts, if that is not true. And believe me again, when I say that a charmer with words and a person with ears go a long way with a girl than any person who is lavish, confident, arrogant, successful or any synonyms guys term as "MAN" enough!

Phew!! That was some rumbling or should I say grumbling???

!!Happy Friendship day (Prevaricator)!!

“A friend is one to whom one may pour out all the contents of one's heart, chaff and grain together, knowing that the gentlest of hands will take and sift it, keep what is worth keeping and with a breath of kindness blow the rest away.”



For a dear friend who taught me that life is not to frown but to smile, that a warm word can go a long way and that a gesture is worth a thousand words…
For a friend who was kind to read me the verses of my life, when I seem to have forgotten them…
For a friend who trusted me when my trust was broken,
For a friend who loved me when I lost a reason to live,
For a friend who brought me the most tender smiles that took my breath away,
For that friend, I can only say,
Thank you, for being a part of my life and bringing in a charm in a phase where I couldn’t trust my shadow,
Thank you for living through my nightmares and feeling them, yet holding me and saying it’s gonna be alright,
Thank you for the belief, kindness and love that you bestowed upon me, unasked and undeserved…

A journey that began a year ago, the day you thought you would never want to talk with me ever again, for I seem to have too much of an attitude for you to handle, to a phase where we seem to out grow each other, is a rather remarkable journey, don’t u think? Friends hold a special place in my heart and I have been blessed with good friends whom I can count on. Though time has had its toll on the relations, there exists a bond that is still thick and is sustaining through the strenuous ordeals one has to undergo to maintain a friend and a relation. And despite being continents apart, a call, a mail, a message – seem to make the miles certainly not smiles, but not frowns either! They strengthen the bond affirming that time and tide cannot mar the heart strings. Whatever future awaits, I am glad our paths crossed each other and we continued this long, together… even if our paths do tend to diverse at some point in our lives, this journey will always be remembered with the greatest amount of respect and care, for the person you are and for the friend you have been to me.

Wishing you a happy Friendship day…
Sincerely…

Tag - Feminism

I have been tagged by Usha Ma'm on Feminism. I cannot completely draw out an opinion of whether it makes any difference to the society, for I still fight for my rightful stand as a professional, day in and day out, to fully comprehend the beauty of being a woman, for in the rat race of winning and proving that I am as good as my counter part if not better, I have lost the charm of being a "female". :), I guess, the post conveys as much, with my half baked ideas (:D).

Feminism is rather a loaded topic for me to write, though I was many a time playfully jabbed as a feminist (:O), for I fundamentally believe in living life the way I want to and nothing can deter that fact, though sometimes, which is the usual case with every well laid plan that there should be an alternative, I tend to compromise on my “principles” or so I call them, succumbing to circumstances only to be mocked by self in some definite future about the integrity of my thoughts. Well, that was some opening statement :D. So what does feminism mean to me? I guess people call me a feminist because I tend to question the rationale of every statement that says, girls are not supposed to do that and mock every statement that says, girls are now threatening the chauvinist society by breaking the barriers of every myth and axiom. Well, it is bound to happen! Sometimes feminism is confused with female dominion. Feminism to me is being paralleled to our alter ego, in thought and in freedom.

I am a proud female living in a modern world which is much too liberal with the women and glad that I am not born four or five decades ago, barring me from the disadvantages of being a girl in a male dominated society. I did not have to fight the wars that my mother or grand mother had to fight to balance their personal, societal and professional lives. Though I did not have to fight the war of proving myself that I am capable of being a son to the family as this is NOT expected of me, which I do not tend to heed, I did have to fight many a war to be accepted for what I am and that came only through the sheer confidence of believing that I can stand and see a guy in the eye and believe that I am their equal. (not a superior but their equal, though the world now is taking a different shape in that a female counter part wants to be superior, not just equal. Hmm, well, one of life’s brilliant strokes.. pendulum doesn’t always swing one way and time has a way of levelling things, for having fought long and hard for the well deserved status quo, the female population of the world want their share at the top of the plum cake). As a kid, I used to wonder why mom or grand mom ever told me to be in the house by a sane hour, not to talk to guys and blah blah, which at that moment felt a little daft, for the only reason I ever got is that I am a girl and a girl had limitations, in terms of freedom and in terms of thoughts that can go in her mind. But then, being a rebel that I am, I refused to be a goat, listening to people’s authority however biological it may be and set on to carve the world I dreamt of with my set of rules. As days passed by, though I could understand the rationale of their worries, their reasoning was not something I appreciated. And thus began my journey into a fascinating world of feminism.

Today, though there are chauvinists who still believe that women are given too much of a freedom and that they should only be home makers and not front runners of the family, earning a humble pie, the time has changed in that there are supporting guys out there who understand the reasoning behind dreams and are encouraging their counter parts to fulfil their dreams, be it in career or be it in making a house - a home, accepting the responsibility of being a husband in the true sense of the word, FINALLY ;). Feminism to me is a thought that can understand THAT dream of a girl and a voice that counter argues with every other voice that says, “this is the maximum you can dream of, because you are a girl”, or “enough of running around the world, time to settle and take care of a family for that is your responsibility ("I earn the bread, you cook the bread", days are soon disintegrating, glad that they are!)”. Feminism to me a theology that respects the female counter part’s right to live their life, the way they want to, following or going against the well laid logistics of the cultures and traditions.

I am a girl, with a certain set of boundaries and I am proud to work around them, but just being a girl does not mean I need to fight for my own survival in the world, proving every minute that I am significant and worthy, just as my counter part is. Feminism to me is that unbiased openness to understand and respect the contribution that I, as a female make to the society. I tend to hear statements day in and day out,
“She is a girl yaar, leave her alone” or “she is a girl, what do you expect?” (they call themselves professionals, hmpf!)
“You are a girl” (as though I require a reminder! Duh!)
Or a change in body language or the off handed replies sometimes that I tend to hear and I keep asking myself, if I am living in this world that seems to respect the career woman and in some cases fear the career woman and still undergoing a challenge to prove myself to the chauvinists who still exist, I wonder what the generation, a couple of decades ago would have had to endure! (In one of these situations of having to prove my mettle to the Oxymorons, I run on an emotional roller coaster of pity to anger :).)

To me, feminism is that freedom that appreciates female for all her flaws, just as she has accepted the chauvinists with their glaring egos and irrational ideologies. Feminism is that tolerance that can accept a woman’s voice and appreciate it in all its implications. Feminism to me is that courage to accept the rising passion of a female and learn to meet her eye and not be diffident or threatened by it. Acknowledging my presence for who I am, rather than for being a girl and giving me MY freedom to manouevre my life but not think I require a support, just because I am a girl, accepting the emotional and physical differences, not judging the way I talk, dress, walk, eat, and so the list goes, in short - Me for being a girl, that is feminism to me.

DISCLAIMER: MY VIEWS AND MY IDEAS, NO OFFENSE MEANT TO ANYONE.

Now for tagging people:

Puri
Su

Butterfly Award

Hey… this is my first award in the blog-o-sphere. I should thank Prabhu for having thought that I deserve this. And I cannot say how very much Iappreciate this... and .... Its rather turning out to be an acceptance speech of some sort, ain't it?? :)... So, I will just stop and say, thank you. :)


Rules:
1. Put the logo on the blog.
2. Add a link to the person who presented it to you.
3. Pass this one, and link other bloggers that you'd like to share it with.

And having accepted it and made my blog a little colourful, I would like to pass this on to:

Puri – for her telugu blog
Su – the prevaricator he is…
Soumya – some memories are hard to cling onto – so she puts them in fabulous words…

Through the spheres of Life...

Soaring the heights
I am a giant,
Treading with poise,
Through the spheres of life…

Tumbling down the mountains
I am an inferno,
Treading with tepidity,
Through the spheres of life…

Whirling past the trees
I am a storm,
Treading with haste,
Through the spheres of life…

Fighting through the rocks,
I am a stream,
Treading with persistence,
Through the spheres of life…

Today and tomorrow

What is it with tomorrows, that somehow bring in some joy and hope that everything would be better? And suddenly all today’s seem somehow devoid of charm? Is it just me or does it happen to all? Hmmm, with every today a foreboding and every tomorrow buoyant, I wish life is filled with only tomorrow’s, then I don’t have to feel daunted at the thought of today. Well, well, me and my thinking!!!

Pool and poker I play, to pass the time of the day.
Today I pass time, tomorrow I pass life,
Both never to return, for every passing minute is a minute of life lost,
lost, never to come back…
Is this a harbinger of my journey to the realms unknown???

Tag - I, Me and Myself - Past, Present and Future

Thank you Usha for tagging me :). Tagging being new to me, took sometime to understand what needs to be done…

The Tag
Two questions from the past, present and future. Answer them and then tag your friends from the blog-o-sphere. Leave a comment on their blog letting them know they have been tagged and you are all set.

Yesterday

Your oldest memories

Amazing how things of past cling on to you as memories that last forever. And those memories drive us to live a life amidst every chaos that erupts round us. There are a bunch of memories in my casket, each extremely warm and beautiful. To pick one is likely to be a tricky task. C’mon, I need some help here, which one to pick??? Will pick a memory when I was about seven years old.

The kid in me fancied climbing hills, mountains, trees, buildings. But for a kid, do mountains or hills or peaks make sense? I think not, or I remember, trees and buildings are something that I thought should be mounted with extreme caution of a monkey. And I was very good at that. Dad and I used to go for a walk in a park behind our house and I love running, so I used to run in front of him while he was walking. I also fancied climbing the trees and jumping from one tree to another. That was an age where the world was mine. On one such day, a friend of mine accompanied us. Unlike me, she is very quiet and sure footed person, who preferred to walk rather than jump, which at that age, was extremely boring task for me. So, while she and dad were walking round the park, I was climbing the tallest tree I could find in that stretch of the park. After I have fancied my chances of being the fastest monkey in the history of Guinness book of world records, I decided to step down and fancy my chances with another and see if I could beat my own record. I looked down and there I find a dog, staring at me. While I could fathom thoughts of a broken hand or leg, getting injection for rabies or dog bite is not only unconceivable but also painful. So, I clung onto the branch of the tree, like my life depended on it. Well, it did!!! I was seven! I could not look around for my dad, for the leaves were pretty thick. So, I waited for a whole half hour, praying that someone would notice me. I was extremely tiny and I was very sure there was no person out there, who would think of looking at the top instead of looking straight or down while walking and I was also sure that I was doomed. Well, that is vee bit dramatic, I know! But then, I was thinking can’t anyone help me out. Dad on the other side was running from one corner to another, shouting my name and though I was darn sure I could here his voice, shouting my name with increasing panic, I could not raise my voice, lest I should seek the unneeded attention of the dog, that looked hungry by the passing minute and then, I would be dog-meat, literally! Then somehow, he started looking at the top, working backwards and suddenly he saw a small shoe hanging down the tree, just a tiny part of it. Appreciate his eye sight! And he walked down to the tree and saw me clinging onto the branch, with the most cutest face possible. Between laughter and anger, he managed some expression, that I can vividly recall and shooed the dog away and got me down the tree and we walked back home.

If anyone thinks that this must have taught me a lesson, nope, I did not stop climbing trees or buildings until I moved into an apartment, where there were rules against people talking above a certain decibel!!!! And that was a good four years later!

What were you doing ten years ago?

Well, I was being the most unruly teenager one can ever be. Having just entered the teen-age, I proved a challenge that no parents would have asked for and it has been an extremely daunting task for my parents to control me. Though I was not into TV or other unruly and undisciplined activities, I was a difficult kid to manage with the most stubborn characteristics that were not well received and hence strictly frowned upon, yet, had no effect on me. But this was also a time where I had learnt a valuable lesson that is still paying rich dividends – to face the consequences of my decisions. Accepting the grown up in me, my parents have decided to give me the “guarded” freedom that I should not misuse and I am glad I did not, though I have experimented enough with my life. And it was also a phase that brought me close to a person, who is one of my most valuable friends and the meeting was extremely strange and left a lasting impression on both of our lives.

Today

An engineer, with an over/under paid job :D… with too much time in hand and too many thoughts in mind. Being tuned to analyse everything, I now make my life more complex analysing the possibilities of eventualities that I cannot change and though I know very well that I cannot change anything that has to happen, tad bit philosophical, I still think of the possibilities, consequences, plan of action, alternate approach, etc… words I hear everyday, have become so much a part of me that without these thoughts for every action or consequential decision I take, I cannot come to a conclusion. Thanks to a set of friends who have a sane mind when I go insane, that is what friends are for, anyways :), I am managing to stay afloat and survive the rudders of life and navigate through the treacherous ordeals with a smile on my face and confidence in my heart.

Tomorrow

What do you see yourself doing 14 years from now?

Fourteen is a rather curious number!!! Wonder why it is fourteen, not ten or fifteen, but fourteen, precise!!! Future can hold packages that one cannot be prepared for and just as every day offers surprises better and worse, so does a future, fourteen years from now offer me… if I have to envisage myself, I would envisage myself as an entrepreneur giving a run for everyone’s pie and being a workaholic, packed with a schedule that makes it difficult to breathe and offering a little solace to people who care for me, for I already took them for granted that they would care for me with every baggage I carry, however heavy it might be! Alone, with too little time for self or for people and running against time for something that doesn’t have purpose.
Wonder why I would envisage a vision like this, when it could have been an extremely beautiful thought like having a family of my own and relishing the victories of my kids and sharing the proud moments with family! I see myself becoming a pessimist day by day and it scares me that I might be a grumpy old lady with a laptop a few years from now!!! But may be, just as life offers twists and turns at unpredictable intervals, it might not be that worse! I might be living in a cosy home, sipping a cup of coffee and planning for the day ahead and relishing the moment’s peace before the pandemonium of daily chores take over and I would still be a technocrat, managing a team, representing a company and releasing softwares to the market!

If you would build a time capsule, what would it contain?

Ha! It would contain the tiny memories collected over a period, Ayn Rand’s Fountain head, can’t do without it and my tweety :D and Rahul Dravid poster. It would contain the entire phase I spent with my grand father, who taught me life by example. It would contain my mom and dad, whose love for me is unconquered and grand ma, who loves her hopeless grand child, still!!! And dear friends, without whom I would have been an empty shell, void of all the beauty for life. Mmm, my diary and the quotes book, I still fancy jotting down a few from here and there, albeit randomly. And ofcourse, my laptop!  well, the list goes on and on, because the moment I pause and look around, I would see things I love. But honestly speaking, I would just want a back up of my memory and Ayn Rand’s Fountain head and I am set! Nothing can match the power or strength of human mind and though time capsule is a capsule of memories over a period of time, I already have a time capsule, my brain, that jots down every detail of the day and can recollect any detail from any corner of the life, to bring a smile or a frown.

Now that I have managed to thoroughly document extreme views, I too would like to tag a few people, out of which I trust only two might respond to the tag. :) Rest are in a deep slumber from the blogging world :(, though they are extremely articulate about their thoughts!!

Puri
Sand
Sri
Su

Hope and Despair

I am a morning’s ray, fresh and welcoming…
For you, I am the radiance you wish to close your eyes on…

I am a night’s romance, sensuous and aesthetic,
For you, I am bondage, loathsome and lustful…

I am the warmth, cosy and comfortable
For you, I am the heat, excruciating and overpowering…

I am a winter breeze, fulfilling and dreamy…
For you, I am the chill that freezes you cold…

I am the rain, fresh and welcoming,
For you, I am the cloud, gloomy and depressing…

I am a rose, sweet and loving,
For you I am a thorn, piercing your heart…

I am a leaf, green and sensitive,
For you, I am a dried leaf… to be trampled and broken to pieces – never to be mended again…

I am the wave, roaring and soaring,
For you, I am an ocean – uncontrolled and huge….

I am hope, life and vigour,
For you, I am the despair, you wish to forget!

And thus began a journey…

Long time since I saw you…
Missed you or… did I miss you?
Think a call can change a thing?
Forget the past and walk anew?

Where were you, when I needed you?
(I was beside you, you could not see!!!)
Where were YOU when I needed you?
(I am inside you, you could not feel!!!)

This is it! I cannot take it anymore!
Then, let us part our ways, why walk together?

And thus began a journey… into oblivion!

Boulevard of broken dreams

When we think that nothing worse can happen, we need to think again, did I really mean that? Between the stab in the back and a pain in the heart, which one can you really tolerate?

Walking down the street, the familiar walkways looked unfamiliar. The chaos of the streets somehow seemed quiet and the songs in the ipod were uncharacteristically loud and the mind for once was not wandering down the lane ahead of my heart and my mind for once has understood that silence is of paramount importance; else I might sue it for non-cooperation. With the cold reaching down the spine and body craving for some warmth, I forced myself to walk down the lane, breathing in the cold air and focusing on the task ahead – keeping one foot before another towards my house. Even that terrifies me, it is not a home, it is a house, that I care a damn for, yet, somehow offers solace. Do I really have a destination? Do I really crave for any destination? Is there some thing I yearn for? Can anyone live like this? without hope or love or life? Is this normal? To not feel a connection with people round you, to not open yourself up? What for should I open up? To be hurt again? To be fooled again? Life’s wicked bars have taught me too much to do the same mistake twice.

Sometimes choices are tough in life, the choice to choose what your heart says and the choice to choose what your mind says. Sometimes, the difference is too great! And sometimes, both are f***ed up enough to guide us down the wrong lane and sometimes, both echo the same thought and in the end, you might act completely different. Every choice turns a tide and once you step further, you are pulled back, to re-evaluate. When does this stop? This retrospection? Should one crucify oneself with the past, time and again? Past, has no role in future, right? Or does it? Every step in your future is based on what you have done in the past, so how can it not influence you in the future? It does and it influences you big time. Is it easy, to let go and forget and walk past, as though nothing has happened? No, it is not, but if one has to live with that choice, then, one has to move forward, never caring a damn about feeling the hurt and to let the heart bleed and wish somehow that there is strength in you to force your way down the lane.

“I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone”

There is a point at which everything is just “JUST”. Nothing matters anymore, not even life. Why is it so difficult to walk away from things? Probably because we invested time from our life and a part of our soul into it. But, grown ups understand the logistics of the situation, right? Amazingly, they also behave childish when given a situation that they do not want to face. That is when heart conquers mind, when mind says, just face it, heart stumbles, I cannot… But, then, Life is not just a matter of choices, it is also eventualities, it is also fatalities… that one cannot ignore. Fight to survive the torment and fight to survive that moment and succeed. Will I??? I will, any other way is unacceptable, but knowing me, that fight is not just a fight, but a rupture of me that will not leave me or people round me same any more. The very change I hate.

BREAKING NEWS: Technology on a holiday!!!

Bright and sunny, this day promises a lot. But, sitting on the chair, with restless little mind, I think and that being a job in itself, wonder why I am not paid for it! Why doesn't human body have reward systems, for being able to convert mundane chores to tasks that are interesting? Why can't human mind be intelligent enough to reward the hard work and not so hard work? May be that is not so good an idea, for if conscience has a way of getting to me, I will not survive a day! Right! As is, it keeps nagging and I being a master at shutting it down, I shut it out. But, not before guilt creeps in.

Hmmm, what would happen if we can tune our mind to a computer? Well, with little to keep me occupied, what do you expect from me than these doldrums? Mind is a computer that human race has not yet mastered, with gadgets that are getting released week after week (or is it day after day?), humans find little use for it. May be, we should have a mechanism of switching it off and on! What if we have days where we will have to forgo using technology and tax our brain its due? We have grown to trust the systems we developed, but fail to trust our mind, sad yet true. But may be in future, there would be a holiday for technology, a black out sort of a thing and we will be forced to use the gifts that humans have – emotions and intelligence. Will we able to reach out through our emotions to the people we wish to reach out? Will our intelligence help us in surviving the black out? If such a day should occur, shudder! I do not think I can survive a day here.

See, effects of not taxing my brain appropriately, it already fails to wring out the possibilities of such a day and hence this despondent post!

What triggered this mindless chatter? This:

I get up to the possibility of not sitting in front of a computer or answer my phone or use a microwave or a dish washer or a washing machine or watch TV or listen to music (Oh God!). I am left to the mercy of kind nature to learn the rhythms of life. And one thought reverberates through my mind, FREEDOM! Yes, freedom. I could see myself dancing down the stairs into the kitchen making myself a cup of coffee and strolling with bare feet in the back yard and listening to the birds chirping their morning wishes and me attuned to them and responding albeit in a voice that can only be called a grunt ;), yet it is my voice, opening up to the humming of the sweet voices of the birds above. Welcoming the morning freshness with a bright smile, I stretch my arms and embrace the first golden ray and taste the freshness of the dew. I settle in for a refreshing bath, cold water running down my skin tickling me and creating a little shiver down the spine. Refreshed and full of energy, I glide down the road to the market and pick up fresh vegetables, paying hard earned money with a smile on my face to a nonchalant seller and walk down the road, wishing passers by a happy morning. A song on my lips and chopping with a knife, and cooking with fire, I make food and set it aside. I settle in a couch with book in my hand and into the world of fiction, I sink in, engrossed and anxious.

Suddenly I am awake and … and… remote… remote… TV – "kabhi kabhi adithi zindagi …", Ok it is working.

My mobile –
"Hello??"….
"what the f*** time is it??"..
"oops, sorry, checking if it is black out day"
"What day??? It is in the middle of the night and whatever day it is, will start only after five hours, now shut the f*** up and hang up!"
":("

That is a dream and thank God, it is a dream. Beyond the morning coffee, I require technology to survive every minute of the day, else I will be clueless and lost in the myriad thoughts that do not have a sane meaning!

Farewell note to Anil Kumble

Retired from test cricket.. I wrote a blog on him earlier last year when he retired from ODI and hoped he would leave a mark on test cricket. Anil Kumble, the master plotter, the jumbo, the patriot, the team man – has called it quits, after 18 years of unwavering determination and loyalty to the team and the game. What can I say? Stats – over a thousand international test wickets, a special ten wicket haul – only second in the history of cricket, a clinical assassin – everything speaks for itself, the greatness of his personality.

Surely, the champion and the legend of the game will be missed and the loss is difficult to articulate, but fittingly, he hung up his cap at Ferohshah kotla, where he has been the fiercest of all the places he played, almost always changed the match’s direction. I can only say that I will miss him badly, but then, time moves on and he has not been his best over the past 10 test matches or so and though I would miss him, I can only say that the decision is right and he choose his time well. Moving away, he left a confidence note “I am sure we will complete the series in Nagpur”, to his team and bid a hard adieu to his passions. 

Sourav Ganguly once said that even if the opposition was 250/1, there would be one man on the field who would look at him in the eye because he wants the ball. A thorough student of himself and his game, Anil Kumble brought a character to this gentlemen game and he played like a gentleman all through his career. If the Antigua test spoke of his commitment visibly, I am sure every team members and oppositions respect for him spoke volumes of the personality he is. And any amount of appreciation can only fall short of the awe he commanded.

Wishing him luck for whatever future awaits, I hope Indian cricket will recover quickly from the transition that is happening in the game. What with Sourav retiring and Sachin and Rahul and Laxman inching closer to the close of curtains on their careers! Indian cricket will never be the same again…

Lake District - My Experiences

Mmm, with the earlier blog post being a journal for the trip, I thought penning down my thoughts about the trip would probably be a good idea.

The thought of Lake District started after seeing a friend’s snaps of the place and it was a place that was closer to my interests when it comes to a location. I love places with scenic beauty and love long drives. Travelling the miles and trying to put them to words is a task that should be left to the professionals of Nat Geo ;), may be, but I for one cannot help but make an amateur attempt.

Gazing at the myriad stars, I fell back on a child hood memory of me gazing at the stars out of my window. Watching the moon and the stars somehow was a soothing experience and one picture of absolute serenity and after moving into a new apartment, that has become a thing of past and I craved for those experiences again. That journey gave me that experience and I did catch a shut eye of thirty odd minutes, in my own dream land, with the stars offering me solace, that music failed to give, on that night. Though the music was soothing, a few thoughts running wild in my heart were causing a flutter and all I wanted was a solace of a peaceful heart, which the stars offered me, whispering their choicest sounds and lulling me to sleep, in their embrace.

Opening the brass knob and entering the place took me for another ride. The house was a picture of beauty and elegance. The living room was a page from a Mauve Binchy novel , classic, elegant and old. Walking through the steps and surveying the rooms with a critical acclaim allowed me to give a rating of first class, for the softness and the homeliness the cottage offered. A quick walk down the garden early morning was simply and truly beautiful. How would it have been, had I had a chance of just staying at that place for a day, with no impending plans of exploring the place? I would have probably got up at a diving hour and made a cup of coffee and stood on the railing of the back yard and sipped the coffee with a lethargic haste and relaxed myself thoroughly. For one such morning, I would give anything.

With the miles behind me and the screens of the place competing with each other for the brilliance, I was thrilled that I am actually having a holiday at a hill station, a holiday that I have only seen in movies or in my dreams. The breath of fresh air and the intake of cool air, challenging me to put it in words, I agree I am defeated when it comes to expressing them in words. The place simply was astounding and words only fall short of describing the beauty of the place. A Da Vinci canvas cannot do justice to the place, Wordsworth words are not sufficient to describe the place, and I, a minion can certainly can’t. All I can say is that it left a lasting impression for the times to come.

Lake District - Journal

Lake district, is in the North West part of England and is nothing short of a paradise. It was a fabulous experience and only makes one want more of it. Two days were just not sufficient. We stayed at a place called “The Carriage House” in Windermere and we did the house warming as it was recently opened for the tourists. At about 5 hour driving distance from Luton, the place is a scenic beauty. I was completely glued to the sides, looking at the scenic beauty of the place and many a time I uttered "Oh my!", and I have lost all the words to express the brilliance of the place.

What started of as an impulse plan on Friday was executed on the very day, thanks to the active participation of everyone. When the Kingston gang reached my place at around eight thirty in the evening, we were set and raring to go. We started on our long journey to Lake District at around ten in the night, after our dinner, with a flask of hot coffee for the ride and few essentials for the trip of two days so that we would not spend time running around for food and groceries. With couple of breaks at the service station we reached the place at around four in the morning, with a little difficulty in figuring out the place. Even in the night the place looked majestic and the gaze outside the window on to the sky was breathtakingly brilliant with clear dark sky and stars twinkling away, adding to the magic of the night, already promising the spectre that nature was about to offer us. The drive was made even more magnificent with the responsible driving skills and adeptness of Venkat and Srini and when I say we enjoyed the drive as much as the beauty of the whole trip, I can vouch that I am speaking for everyone of us involved in the trip.

The lock was hung in a key box beside the office of Cumbrian Cottages and opens with a coded key, Shhh! Secret! The place has an antique look to it as though it wants us to go back in time and live in a different era all together, away from the modern artificiality and hurry. There was a relaxed beauty and a lethargic brilliance to the place and once we entered the house, I knew I am in for the time of my life and that I would enjoy this trip more than any places I have visited thus far and I would not mind spending the rest of my life there, that magnificent it was. Opening the big old door, with a small brass lock that was difficult to turn, I knew I am entering a time warp to a place that I had dreamt. Walking through the rooms and exploring the place in the night, switching on the light, reading the instructions and letting out exclamations at the simplicity of the place, yet looking magnificent in its whole simplicity, with satin blankets and pillows, clean and tidy kitchen, and new cutlery, I was fascinated and thrilled. It was my first experience in a cottage, with no pending responsibilities, I know that this was the time for relaxation and I was already looking forward to the morning, where we would be heading down the road to the beach.

With over five hours on the road, I must say everyone was exhausted and since it was a last minute plan, I was very sure everyone wouldn't have had a chance to tune their minds for fun and excitement, but the place was such that even the most exhausted person would come to life. We rested for the night and woke up at seven thirty in the morning and rushed through our morning routine. As soon as I was in a semblance of tidiness ;), I walked out with my digicam to look at the place and the back yard and dear me, it was simply fantastic. I took a recording, though I cannot share it with anyone as my voice was sounding alarmingly kiddish :(. Mythili and Hema were busy making curry for the day and I was busy shooting people in the kitchen, fresh out of their beds and waiting for their morning coffee. With little anxiety and breathlessness, I was in full flow, what with the ambience and the setting of the cottage, I was unwilling to let go of my cam. But, then after the shooting of the place, we had our breakfast and we were ready to head out for our first take of the place.

We started in our cars for the Sandy beach and we wasted an hour figuring out the route, despite navigator. We reached the beach, but I was a little disappointed, because I could not understand why it is called the sandy beach, instead of a rocky beach, for I could not see sand in the vicinity. And it was freezing and windy, hence we could not get into the water. We sat there for sometime and came out of that place, by which time our stomachs were grumbling for food and we headed to the pizza hut for our lunch. Mythili and sharee enjoyed their share in KFC, while the others ordered a Cheesy Bite – Veggie Supreme _ Large and I ordered an Cannell(I hope so - a pasta) and we enjoyed our meal. We decided to head for the wild animal park and we started our one hour drive towards our destination.

Wild animal park, was, well, wild, Duh!!! I saw the king of the forest, jailed in a natural looking jungle, and I was awestruck by the power he radiates. Looking at the lion so close made my heart skip a beat or two, but the regal look in its eyes was more than sufficient to make the trip worth while. And the tigers, Sumatra tigers, were royal. Rhinos, bears, giraffe, kangaroos, monkeys, penguins, parrots, ostrich, peacock, owls, baboons, turtles… all in all, it was a collection of species. Nothing new there, but the environment was close enough to their natural habitats and we were able to watch every animal at a touching distance, making it even more thrilling. That is a different story that I have an aversion to any living and walking species that is not homo-sapien. But still, where can I get to watch a Lion at the touching distance of my hand and where can we take snaps with peacocks and ostrich? At the closure of the trip, we headed to a small souvenir shop in the park and then to a coffee place and finally headed for a drive down the Ambleside, which turned to be a head back for home, to Windermere.

The scenic beauty of the drive, though was now familiar, I was unprepared for the beauty that nature had to offer me and I was at a loss for words, except for Oh My God!, which I am very sure, people were tired of listening, but then, I was muted by the sheer elegance the place portrayed. I was like a canvas, painted by nature, with lush green farms, mountains, lakes and the smooth roads with their twists and turns. Though my stomach was grumbling for food, for it was its time for food, I was lost in the marvel of the place that was a peace lovers heaven.

Reaching home at seven, all I could think of was food and I could not wait for anyone. I had my roti and once the energy was back in my stride we went for window shopping down the place for a few minutes and we were back, ready to hit the sack, tired and exhausted. We switched on the big flat screen TV in the living room, and played "the hook" movie and watched it for a few minutes before my eyes were drooping and I was wandering into a dreamy world. I walked back into my room and the next thing I know was that I was in a wonderland. After a long long long time, did I sleep peacefully, with heart content and mind at peace and I slept like a log.

Next day, we planned to go for the cruise and we were up by seven thirty. I was ready and downstairs by eight and I was making the curry for the day. Finally Srini figured out how to work the coffee machine and people were having fabulous bed coffee and garlic bread with Mozarella Cheese on the top. Who says heaven is hard to find? Each having their choice of break fast, ranging from corn flakes to parathas to roti to rice to coffee and garlic bread, we made a feast for the break fast and we set out for the cruise. The shopping on the lake bank was splendid, giving me a good bargain for essential things and the Ambleside cruise lasted for an hour, each minute creating an impression that I will not forget for the rest of my life. We took loads of snaps, videos and everyone was having fun, despite the cold at the top of the cruise ship. With a smile that did not leave my face, I was inscribing every tiny detail, both in terms of personnel and the nature into my mind and I was lost in the swarm of images that are ebbed in my heart and lake district has created itself a small place in my heart for its sheer beauty. Friends adding more sparkle to it.

Finally, after the cruise, there was more shopping and we headed back home for our lunch and drive back home. Srini made alu fry and we had our lunch, cleaned the place to the best of our ability, though there was nothing much to clean, except for the dishes and table :). We headed back home, with the drive promising more beauty and leaving a lasting impression on me. And sure it did. Getting to know the yarns of each others lives, we sure have gotten to know people much better and I hope everyone echoes the same. Reaching at around eleven thirty, only to realise that there are no tubes beyond midnight, the Kingston gang bunked at my place for the night and everyone was hungry. Thankfully, they all adjusted with bread, maggi and boost.

There is magic in nature and Lake District is a proof for it. There is beauty in nature and a spectre to lush green fields and Lake district again vouches for it. Nature embraces you and enthrals you into a dream land, colourful and bright and filled with hope. There is an undisputed beauty in it that holds one’s amazement forever in the magical spell it weaves.

I hope you all have enjoyed reading this journal as much as I have enjoyed recollecting it.

My First Snow Fall

Mmm, with a trying day coming to an end and the weather being darn cold and an insufficient coat on my shoulders, I started walking down the road to my house along with another friend. And suddenly he exclaimed its snowing, I was thinking it was rain and suddenly, my black coat has a few specks of snow on it asserting the fact that it was snowing. Infact, as I am writing this and gazing out of the window, I can still see the snow fall and I am completely amazed and thrilled. After I reached home, the first thing I did is switch on the net and send across messages to all my friends saying I got wet in the snow. It was not half bad as it is now, but still, snow is snow. I made a few friends in a different place jealous about this experience too .

Hmm, backyard, fence, tiny tiny leaves, plants, trees, rooftops, footpath, road – all are covered with the snow and it does not look like it is about to abate anytime sooner and it looks like it is not in a hurry either. What is the big deal about snow anyways? Hmm, it is a biiiig deal to me! I have seen it only in the movies and to witness it in its spectre leaves me spellbound. With my heart willing to leap to a dream land, a hot cuppa of joe and lovely music, and a smile on my face, I am thoroughly enjoying this. It looks delightful and absolutely fantastic.

The soft and noiseless down pour of the snow, inviting and tempting… wish I have my friends here, I would have either dragged them out or played in the back yard, if only for a few minutes! Not that the temperature is something that I can withstand! I am not a person who feels cold to the extent where I would be shivering, but zero degrees is something I have never experienced and seeing it makes me want to go under a cosy blanket and not get up until the temperature is comfortable again! But the chill that runs down the spine, the chill in the intake of the cold breath, the sharp pain in the back of your head and the numbness of the hands and legs are well worth this, just to get that first snow into your body. Yes, I embraced it, with open arms, into me and I am glad I did it.

The only treasure that life can offer.

… Starting with thoughts that are running in my head as a stream gushing through mountains… in attempting the enormity of defining what this tiny mind feels, thoughts might have gone in frenzy, yet I am sure they will give a meaning that is whole.

Something about an emotion, though spoken a thousand times, seems to have been left unspoken. That emotion is love. It is a force that drives one out of this world. A passion, rare of its kind that it holds a certainty in life like nothing else can.

I cannot see you,
I cannot talk to you,
I cannot touch you,
Yet, I can see you,
I can talk with you,
I can touch you,
with as much emotion as I can gather in your presence. That is love.

The thought that I walk down the path that you once walked,
The thought that I can breathe the very air that you breathe, though miles apart,
The thought that I can look at this world, through your eyes and see its entirety as you spoke of it,
Can anyone take that away from me? The right to feel what I feel? The right to think what I think?

Do you feel what I feel? Do you realize that you feel what I feel? I wonder!

Barriers, obstacles, come what may, some tiny corner held for you, can withstand the tear and wear of time and life, for memories cling on and define life in a way nothing can. For memories, stay forever and memories complete you. Oh dear, what a beauty to have experienced this? Can anyone deny this fact? That love, in its beauty is something that cannot be challenged by the greatest treasures that life has to offer, since it is the only treasure that life can offer.

My Car Driving...

This is the gear rod and we have five gears to move forward and one gear for reverse. This is the steering wheel and this is clutch, brake, accelerator in that order. Now, first, you need to turn on the engine (not the car, but the engine, no wonder the lesson is hard to follow!), check the gear if it is in neutral, floor the clutch and hold the brake and turn the key clockwise. That is it! Now, shift the gear to the first, slowly release the clutch, slowly!!!! Ok, not a problem, start the engine again, neutral, shift, hold on, hold on.. ok… not a problem, lets do it one more time, and let me just tell you what to do first. You need to release the clutch slowly, when you can see the vehicle move a little, floor the accelerator, got it? A nod! Perfect. Lets do it. I took a deep breath and went into the routine again, clock wise, clutch, shift gear, accelerator. Damn it, move!!!!! Release slowly, damn it! Slow, S, L, O, W – slow, got it??? SLOW? OK.. No need to freak out, give me a break, else I will be a nervous wreck!
Ok, one more time and I ain’t doing it, I ain’t touching this damn vehicle again in my life! Hmpf! Its now, you or me, engine, You or ME… lets see…

Clock wise – wow – lovely humming
Floor the clutch, shift the gear…
Deep breath, here goes nothing, except my will to learn the vehicle…
Release and floor…. Yippeeee… moving.. moving.. it is not that hard see… oh god, a turn, what do I do, what do I do? Turn it right, turn it right, all the way, all the way, this is not power steering damn it, you need to twist your hands, move it, move it… Oh God!!! My hands! Thank god, mine is power steering!!! Ok… now, go… go and go… one more round.. and this time, lets try second gear, shall we??? Mmm, okie… what ever you say, you are the master. OK..

Pull off the road and switch off the engine and lets start all over again. Ok…

Lesson 1 – Round 2
Engine on, clutch, gear and accelerator…
Why is not moving damn it!!!
Second gear!!! First gear!! But then, you said we will try in second gear! Ha, you got to see his face to believe it! Damn it, girl, vehicle gears are a progression. First, first, second second, third third….
You want to increase the speed, you go up the gear, you want to decrease the speed, you lower the gear and press on brake, got it??? He forgot that I am a wiki for questions and that this particular order will come back to haunt him in his future lesson!!! Ok.. start it all over again and this time, focus! First gear, then second gear. Ok…
Engine on, clutch, gear, accelerator…
First gear and accelerator and second gear…. Stalled!!! You moved to the second gear too fast, you need to pick up speed before you go to the second gear. Ok.. how am I supposed to know that? Just too many rules, I will not be able to learn this vehicle in my life! …
One more time, first gear, floor the accelerator, see this, if this touches 10, then change the gear to second, clutch – gear – release – accelerator, got it? Yup, easy….
Engine, clutch, gear, accelerator… first gear.. moving!!!!! Touched, clutch, gear, release SLOWLY, accelerator… see…. Smoooooooooth, lovely.. brake, brake.. you need to press the brake hard damn it, what if you hit the person? Get going, you don’t want to stop in the middle of the road. No No, you need to start from the first, vehicle is at a halt, first gear, accelerator and then second… OKIE… deep breath, clutch, first gear, move it mister.. coooool, then second… wow…

Ok.. pull over, this is your lesson for the day, we will try out tomorrow, you did quite well!!!
Thank u…

Hmpf! That was my first car driving lesson. The end though was tragic, I fail to understand why he could not say that I was bad and that I was a night mare of a student? Why mocking me with a statement that I was good, when I was pathetic. SIGH! There came a series of lessons, where in I got into the nuances of the car. Somehow completed the training, but I cannot yet drive the car. How was it any different from school or college? Stipulated time, under paid staff, sometimes over paid, uninterested teacher and a flabbergasted and overwhelmed pupil. All in all, the end product is a dissatisfied student who SOMEHOW managed to get past this hurdle, thank god!!!

You fail to imbibe confidence in your student, however good a teacher you may be, you still are a failure. That is a fundamental point. Thank god, my parents believe in me, with the questions I have in my mind, if my parents had questions about my ability to succeed in my life, I would have been a nincompoop!!! But, the dream of driving a car might remain as a dream, for all I know.

I love the feel of the steering in my hands, I love the freedom of movement I get, when I am in my vehicle and I love to ride fast on the roads and allow the wind move past me… I love moving aimlessly, miles together and the thrill it brings along with it…. Will there ever be a car I can ever drive?? :D….

Last weekend...

Have been thinking about blogging for quite sometime. Having loads to write, but words falter. Want to write a series of experiences in life, but somehow words fail to form sentences and I end up using a phrase or two.

Last week end, went for a walk down the Picadilly Circus towards the Buckingham palace. This is autumn and trees are shedding their leaves. The paths are full with dead leaves and I was playing with them. I dragged my feet on the road across these leaves and thoroughly enjoyed getting my shoes dirty :D, but it was worth going back in the time and doing things that once were a part of my daily activity. Hitting a stone across the road while walking back home from school, jumping high in the air and trying to catch the lowest branch that hung in the air at a teasing distance, running along the walk with the school bag on shoulders and dragging the feet in the mud for some unknown reason and getting an earful after reaching home. Those were some days!

A walk in the St James park was also amazing. That was the most relaxed time I had in the recent past. Then the star bucks coffee did it for me, made my day worth while and the journey in a double decker bus to the picadilly arcade again was surprisingly good for a bus ride and gracefully short. I loved the place all in all. Then took a train to Leicester square and went to a casino, though I did not do anything, it was worth an experience. The ambience was worth more than anything.

I am collecting memories like a kid collecting seashells on a sea shore and I don’t know when they will come in handy, but I will gather all I can to lean on them when I need to. Life teaches a lot of things and one lesson is that a good memory is a very good friend.

Are these questions?

Pool… Hmpf! A cue and six pockets and a load of pass time. Was trying out my hand in pool yesterday and thank God, my parents did not think I need to become a pool player. I am ridiculously qualified for it. I knew I was not cut out for sports or for that matter any activities that involve a crowd, for me 2 is a crowd, I am glad I was proven right yet again. But then, like to chill out once in a while, books though offer me a solace like no friend can, a game can take your concentration else where.

But, I saw a person play pool, the likes of which I have long since forgotten and in fact he gave me a new dimension to look at in the game. Wonder why he was playing an amateur game instead of trying out his hand else where! Anyways, not my place to throw around words.

But somehow the game is captivating and I only want to play it more… Suddenly I realise how very far I came from enjoying life for what it is and how serious I have become in my life or rather, how I have let go of a lot of things that were dear to me. Be it running, be it singing, be it painting… I just gave everything up in a second and never turned back to any of those things and now when I want to turn back I cannot, because something pulls me back. It certainly is not the fear of losing, I have seen it all. It certainly cannot be embarrassment. I have had enough share of that too… but then, I should have been accustomed to it by now, anyways! Then what is it? Was I not enjoying the game last evening? Was I not raring to hit it and see if I still have that killer in me? Why is it that I am unable to feel free? Why is it that I am unable to break the barriers that I seem to have constructed round myself? Why is it that I feel locked inside myself? What is stopping me from just relaxing and enjoy the day, in its glory? Questions and questions. How many questions do I have in life? Are my uncertainties coming back to haunt me? When I was a kid, questions were a part of my growing up. Now, questions have become a synonym to me. Am I willing to let myself ponder a while longer in this maze?

The answer is surprisingly simple. I just do not enjoy doing a few things any more. But, why is something I have no answer for. May be it is this me who stopped taking her life for what it is and is running to make it something that she does not want to comprehend! Surprising how a few things in your life become clear as you sit with yourself and learn to understand the why’s.

A farewell to the man who made Indian cricket team to TEAM INDIA!

Honestly, I am too shocked for words! Wait, let me get my senses back. Dada is retiring after this Australian series. Man, I will miss him big time. Have been a little out of touch with cricket these days and when I came to know about it, I had to read the content from all the news papers I could gather and every single website that covers this news, to believe it.
The royal Bengal tiger, true to his virtue, has been a man of solidarity, influence and strength. A man, who people hate and love at the same time, a typical Bengali.

Sourav Ganguly, an awe inspiring persona, charismatic and regal, he will be a figure who shall be remembered in the Indian cricket as legendary. With his first tour that began as a threat to his career, he launched himself a career that is scintillating. Comebacks have been a part and parcel of his career, each remarkable than the one before. With a century in his debut test match in Lords, he sent the waves of promise and lived to it as his statistics prove. Though he has put us under a roller coaster ride of emotions with every success and failure of his, he still ebbed a writing that is deep and etched on stone, on every fan of cricket. The off drives that have been his trade mark or his sixes that were unbelievably classy, something to do with him being a left hander, he took a decision of giving up his bat and Indian cricket will now have one legend short…

What makes him different to Sachin or Rahul or for that matter any other Indian player who played along side him is that, he made this team gel as a cohesive unit. If there were flaws, they were his own, if there was strength, it was his strength that echoed in the footsteps of the youth that played in the team. A leader filled with determination and pride. He carried himself with aplomb on the field, paid back compliments how ever sour they may be, be it with a bear chested dance on the Lords pavilion or the wait for the toss for the Steve Waugh. If an Irphan could bowl a bouncer to Steve Waugh as a welcome to the crease, it is his confidence that gave Irphan the courage to do so. If Yuvi and Kaif could embrace after the Lords famous win in the Natwest series, it is his never-say-die attitude that marked the team India. If there is any captain in the history of Indian cricket that brought the Indian team as a team together, it is undoubtedly Sourav. If Bhaji could stick upto Sourav, it is the loyalty he inspired from the team by his actions. Criticized and loved the same, Sourav took the Indian cricket and shook it by the roots to shake the dust of rust and give a vigour to the team, before he planted it back in the soil to reap the benefits of being better performers over seas.

With a threat to Aussie dominance and a win in Pakistan and a miracle ride in the 2003 world cup, he is the proud man who shouldered the pride of every Indian on his sleeves. What do I remember most of him? Not his play, but his captaincy. The dynamism with which he took the field, the way the team looked upto him and the way even the far off fielders looked at him for instructions, he is a man who is a born leader. No one teaches you how to lead and if your team looks at you from every corner and gets the job done without a raised voice, that to me is leadership. He is a leader and a ferocious one who hunted the prey, making the hunt worthwhile to watch. Though this hunt has made him a predator, and himself a prey, with his withdrawl from the Aussie test match or with his hesitancy in opening the innings, the position that offered him rich dividends in the early part of his career.

Though the career has been shun with controversies and ridicule, the fact still remains that he is the leader who inspired his team to make a mark on the world cricket and not just suck it up but stand up and give it back. Give back what they deserve, be it a word or a slap or a hit! That is him.

Forgetting the sad statements that questioned his commitment to the game or the claimed injuries that forced him to rest, I wish I could see this series of his and I wish it would describe his career … Wishing you dada, all the very best and hoping that the you will retire on a winning note. None has made a difference to Indian Cricket as you have done and it will take another great player to replace you, who as of now is yet to be seen in the Indian Cricket.

Sourav Ganguly, the God of offside, a tribute and a heart felt good-bye…

A Wednesday

The title itself is a simple, bold statement. Though it promises nothing, except simplicity, it left an impression on me. Lovely film and a must watch for one and all. I do not affirm the movie, but the taking was terrific and strong too.

That a common man can make a difference to this society, that a common man is the very bolt of this society and that the common man’s revolt is not uncommon and that very common man can make a world a better place to live. That is the story. Thrilling and action packed; a slap on the face of people who make the society a quagmire. Left me speechless and waiting to gather the after-thoughts on the movie.

Should one take action into one’s own hands? Sometimes, process can be devastating and sometimes a little too late in doing justice to the actions. But that very process saves many a headache in future. This movie is about an angry citizen, who wants to give an answer to the anger held in him. His answer to the outrageous acts of the people who make the society a football field and the people in it as foot balls that they can kick around. This movie is about that football that refuses to be kicked around. “I refuse to let someone decide when I should die!”. A very, very bold statement. Don't know if this movie makes an impression or if this movie creates a stupid, common man or if it awakes the stupid common men around here, but to me, this movie left an afterthought, irrespective of the practicalities of the approach.

An intelligent tirade on the modern world nuances. The cast is superb, direction and back ground score commendable. A no nonsense cop and his team and a non nonsense citizen, this forms the crew and what it gives is a brilliant thriller, intelligent and stunning. Naseeruddin Shah plays the role of a mysterious bomber who “takes time” off his responsibility of earning the bread and decides to head a hunt on the “jihadis” who make living difficult with their illogical thoughts on religion and community. His epic speech at the flag end of the movie is outstanding. Packed with a flask of tea/coffee and with a box of sandwich, this common man, sets on to make a difference on that Wednesday. Anupam Kher is the cop who has an efficient team and is in the middle of this action, gives an applauding performance. A college drop out, making a bold statement that he is a drop out by choice makes a slight mock on the out dated technology used in the police head quarters of the Mumbai. Somehow, the little bits packed in the movie, make it a dynamite.

Gritty, action packed, savvy! Must Watch!

Love in my terms

Love, the highest form of compassion one can achieve. Have been reading blogs lately, and my friend has inspired me in many ways to put into words those feelings that I have, but failed to ever pen down. For one, once I start on, it goes on to speak about ideals and such, which are not really what I want to write.

Ever been in a state where you feel the bliss of the first drop of rain on sand? And ever been in a state where you feel the heat of the first rain drop on a desert? Love has the power of making you feel both. You are in ecstasy in one moment and you are in a pit the other. But, the beauty of it all is that you don't realize how very much you appreciate the sadness and grief until you fall in love. And the definitions of pain, hurt, and despair all seem to be suddenly different and somehow philosophical.

Like Ayn Rand said, I cannot share you with the people in this world. But in order to appreciate you fully, I should not care a damn about the very people. That is the beauty of love. The way you hunt around for that very person, whom you find with the blink of your eye. The way your heart skips a beat and your nerves are wrung by high pressure. In order to fully appreciate it in life, one has to be swung from one corner of the ocean to another corner and that should be done a million times for one to realise how very blissful it is.

For that love, a walk in the deserted realms is like a walk in paradise.

You need not look at me, for me to know you crave for me;
You need not touch me, for me to know that you need me;
You need not utter a word, for me to know you are telling me your wildest nightmares and fondest dreams;
You need not respond to my desperation, for as desperate as I am, you too are;

But, I don’t need you, for I know I echo your steps;
I don’t want you, for to want you is to hurt myself more;
I don’t want to look at you, for I don’t need to look at you, to know of your existence;
Your very breath is the cause of my existence;

You cry for me; I ask you not to;
What we had is perpetual; the thing that time can’t wash away;
What we have is not grief; it is bliss, in that it is painful;
What we have is not distance, because hearts don’t know distance;
Alas! That is what you find; and that dear, is not what love is!

To see you with my eyes closed,
To talk with you, with my mouth sealed,
To touch you, without my hands,
To walk with you, being a cripple,
To feel you with my heart; that is love.

Love is an art, with no form but perception;
Love is a desert, with no oasis but sand;
Love is mirth, with no yarn on offer;
Love is an angst, with no qualm to show;
Love is a pain, that has not a medicine.

Love is a tear in your sleep,
Love is a tremor in your heart,
Love is a future with no destiny;
Love is a myth, that folklore sing;

Love requires neither reason nor form of existence;
Love requires nothing to survive;
Love requires no bond beyond love itself;
No thread can bind it, nor is a bridge required to walk through it;

Love requires no form or meaning; for love cannot have a meaning. It in itself is an emotion felt through the nerves and veins, that which carries you beyond the depths of misery and captivity, making you its slave; a bondage unasked! Bondage that is pure ecstasy.

Imagination is a powerful weapon

Gloomy day! It is cloudy and all I can think of is a blanket and a bed. Wonder how people work in a temperature like this, when one wants to go into a dream land, where miracles happen. I love reading folklore and fairy tales. I love imagining myself to be a character in that and love going into a dreamland, experiencing the stories. The natures, the climate, the houses, the food, the walks, the people, all are somehow, filled with innocence that seems to be void these days.

Did you ever imagine yourself to be a Cinderella or a Snow White? Did you ever imagine a prince charming out there somewhere, the knight in the shining armour, branded for you? Did you ever imagine yourself to be a goblet, alien and disgusting to turn into a beautiful prince charming? Did you ever imagine communicating with squirrels, rabbits, deer or flowers? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be able to do that?

Imagination is a powerful weapon. Imagining yourself to be a winner, makes you focus your energies on becoming a winner and imagining yourself to be a sour loser makes you fall into a pit of depression. Imagine a fairy land and suddenly the world seems a better place to live in, with people who are loving and caring, and imagine it to be a gutter and you will find yourself alone. It doesn’t take a master brain to figure out that it is all in your mind to leap and sour or to succumb and fail. Imagine the day to be brilliant and sunny and BAM! Things fall into perspective. Imagine the day to be gloomy and cloudy, boom! There goes your day down an abyss, time that never comes back. Many a time, on a gloomy day, we wake up, forcefully and think, “Life sucks big time!” And on a bright sunny day, we wake up with a smile. But then, when things are in the mindset and your imagination, the gloomy day also turns out to be just right for you. A cup of hot chocolate or coffee, a breath of the cool, fresh air and there goes your sleep for a toss and wow, a smile replaces the frown and you welcome the day with open arms, positive and energetic, forcing it to be urs, challenging it to be not urs and winning over it. That is the power of imagination.

So, toss out the lethargy and go for it!

Sir Don Bradman

Now shadows grow longer, and there's so much more yet to be told
But we're not getting any younger, so let the part tell the whole
Now the players all wear colours, the circus is in town
And I no longer can go down there, down to that sacred ground
He was more than just a batsman, he's something like a tide
More than just one man, he was half the bloody side
Fathers took their sons 'cos fortune used to hide
In the palm of his hands; in the palm of his hands

That’s Bradman’s song. Sir Don Bradman…. Was reading anecdotes about him and was reading a few memories from all corners of the world. Few gave me goose bumps and few made me feel human. Wonder why we can never produce a sport star like that. With records to prove his brilliance and no words necessary to describe them. We have many greats, be it cricket or be it other sports, but none have the consistency of this wonderful man and it makes me really sad, that a country the size of India and having a population that only seems to multiply by the day, that we do not have people who bring the name of the country onto the map, with the consistency of breath in life.

Anyways, tribute to a great batsman sport has ever seen!

Random Thoughts - Inside Me

Sometimes, it happens that one’s best is just not enough. That is when you are hit with a wave of nausea and panic. All of a sudden, you want life to be organized and disciplined. You want to make the most of the opportunity because you suddenly realize that you are just drifting and that you need to be focused. Sometimes, you hopelessly fall into a pit of depression and self-pity or it could be hatred for self and that many cannot understand what is wrong and why all of a sudden one has this leaden weight in their heart and conscience.

A lot of times, we give in to our whims, only to realise that it was not a best choice. As humans, we err and we make mistakes. Learning from them is important. But then, there is this piece of conscience that keeps popping up. One can forgive anyone and everyone, but not one self. True, one cannot forgive oneself. But then, the question is that, is the blame worth it or no? Life, by all means can never be easy, especially for people who regard themselves with the highest virtues possible. But then, snap out of it, because that is life. One can’t expect it be perfect nor can one make it perfect. With the misconceptions that wear away everyday, since life teaches a lesson every day, one can only learn to hold on the sail because it is one’s own choice, to mount that sail.

Not everyday can one feel like a piece of dirt rag, but then, when it happens, one need not to worry, because like all phases, that too will pass. A great leveller that time is, nothing can heal the scars as much as time does. And a great leveller that life is, a circle that gets complete with positives and negatives balanced.

Torch, I hold for the path in front,
Storm and worm, shall not wither.

Inside me, a flame, burning and glaring,
Tether the roads of glory and story.

Leisure!

Starry night, with absolute stillness around. Quite peace and unbearable silence. Why? Suddenly, the thought struck, you are alone… Suddenly, the entire meaning of the moments stillness changes to something magnanimous… the undefined and suspended chunk of time, becomes a treasure, soon diminishing, with a rapid speed, now that you realise, it is all yours…

Thoughts rush through to you and all of a sudden, you want someone to share these… contemplate on a call and then, a lethargic sigh and you are on your own… So, what do you do? Look around the room, to see if there is anything that can be used for destroying this peace… idiot box… wow, there it is!!! ON! OK, now that it is on, what is it? Why is time not passing? Oh, uninterested in it. A tiny voice pops in to say, hello, I am here, talk to me… I respect my inner voice and painfully allow it to torture me with its thoughts…

Future… no, I have no interest to think about the copious and tumultuous opportunities…
Life… NO… I am content as is and I DO NOT intend to rupture my peace… How dare you suggest that, though!?
Joke? Oh, please! Did you ever see me cracking a joke?
Random? Mmm, interesting, but random what? I can’t gossip… I can’t slander… I don’t want to crib lest I should lose time doing nothing… I want action…
OK… Action! Mmm, how about a walk on the road? No, might not be safe…
OK… a walk in the garden, no, snakes and it is dirty…
OK, you decide… How about just watching TV? Na, too boring…
OK, multi tasking… lets see TV and read a novel and contemplate on cooking…

That is how it goes, on and on, rambling about nothing, for nothing… Are all the days that pointless? Wonder!

Wimbledon Final 2008

Was that a sport? Man O Man, Rafael Nadal won the Wimbledon, only because he was persistent. Federer, the great, the unconquered master of the grass court, would not have felt intimidated at the loss. Surely, reaching the heights he has reached, he would have understood that the sport is all about the victory for the game and the thrill of the journey towards the destiny and if that is so, he would have thoroughly enjoyed the blistering four and half hour display of enthralling tennis.

I, for one, prayed, cursed, laughed and finally just gave up and enjoyed the match in its complete glory. Every time the match was close to completion, it came bang on. Just when Federer seemed to have realized what was happening, did the match get exciting and painfully entertaining. Nadal, if lost, would never have dared to touch his racquet again, especially after winning the first two sets.. But knowing Federer, the great man he is, one cannot relax and that is exactly what happened. Nadal, kept pushing the game and inching that bit closer to the title, where in Federer was giving his last ounces with blistering returns and inching that bit closer, only to fall back in the race. Somehow, Nadal seemed supreme all through the match, where in Federer gave the glimpses of his greatness starting from the fourth set… The extra ordinary, seemed for once normal, and the clay court wizard seemed to be in one of those elements that refuse to give up and contemplate on the notion of defeat…

Being a hard core fan of Pete Sampras and obsessed about his greatness as a player and champion, and refusing to believe that there can ever exist a player as good as he ever was, I am finally willing to consider that there might be another legend in the making. But, I am just willing to consider, for all I know, Sampras will remain the undominated King Of the Kings... :)

Sometimes humans are just humans!

Lovely! Absolutely lovely! Watched TV after a very long time and it was worth a watch. French Open finals. Missed the first set and half and I cribbed big time for that. But, sat through and watched the half and third set, all the while willing Nadal to win the match. And, boy, did he win!

Roger Federer, the unconquered king of tennis vs Rafael Nadal, the undisputed clay court champion. It was a match with uneven bets. Federer has his set of armoury and Nadal his and it is always fascinating, when these two contested against each other. Today, Federer, master of his destiny, seemed a mere spectator to the splendour and the grandeur of Nadal’s display and it was worth a watch. Since it is one Roger Federer at the other end, it is not a great match to watch, but painfully glee, if one can understand the feeling. And since Nadal has won with his splendid display of clay court mastery, let me just celebrate it by paying a tribute to the hero.

What started of as a match between equals, went on to be a one sided affair. And the humiliation was complete with Nadal winning the last set 6-0. The ease with which he cornered Federer was worth a watch. And I dare say that the God of tennis seemed all of a sudden human!

Since, I could not watch the entire match, I cannot, but put in raw feelings and I am darn sorry for myself that I missed it out!

A Stop

I don’t have tears to hold back
I knew it a while ago,
This is not to be the dream I wanted…
Here I stand... in the aftermath, hunting a meaning…
Hell, this is not what I want
But, this is it… the end…
Nothing more to do…
I say no more…
I smile and I smile…
A smile for nothing
A smile at nothing…

Broken Dream

I wish, I were your eyes,
I would understand you much better…

I wish, I were your nose,
I would breathe-in your favorite scents…

I wish, I were your heart,
I could be your life…

I wish, I were your feet,
I would tag along with you, times immortal

I wish, I were your tear,
I could die on your lips...

I wish, I were your smile...
I could stretch to your eyes and chase away your grief…

I wish, I were your voice,
I could forever murmur in your heart… murmurs of love

I wish, I were your whisper,
I would forever whisper… whispers of hope

I wish, I were your memory,
I could stay forever in your heart...

I wish, I were your deepest desire,
I would engulf you in an eternal bond…

I wish, I were your triumph,
I would glow as your pride…

I wish, I were your failure,
I would make you strong…

I wish, I were your hope,
I would never let you down…

I wish, I were your fire,
I would burn your weakness…

Alas, I am not any of these!!!
I am just a broken dream…